This time 2 years ago, I posted about reconciliations; reconnecting with an old friend after a few years apart and how wonderful that was. It was. If you want to read the post, you can access it here, but if you can’t be bothered, the quick rundown was this.
My friend and I actually met through her partner. I was friends with her partner first and they introduced us. We hit it off really well and for a while it was great hanging with all 3 of us, until the partner started being dishonest with my new friend and kind of put me in a very difficult position where I had crossed loyalties. In the end I exited the situation with both of them. The partner was not interested in being honest and expected my support and loyalty as I had known them first. The new friend was not interested in hearing anything negative about the partner, so I couldn’t watch it all go down. I left them both to figure it out the hard way. Not saying that was the best approach, it probably wasn’t, but it is what I chose to do.
After a few years passed, I saw the friend on a social media platform we both used, and her profile indicated that things were over between her and the partner, so I thought it was safe to re-engage. However, it ended up putting said friend in a difficult position as the partner and I never reconciled our friendship and by all accounts they remained pretty angry about our parting. The partner was not in fact out of my friend’s life completely, it had become more of a complicated entanglement than I thought. My friend wanted my support and I wanted to offer it to her, however it was more like a weird friendship affair. (It is amazingly strange how often I appear to end up in these situations! Haha)
So we proceeded to try and have a friendship as much as was possible “behind closed doors” and things actually went pretty well, until we got caught, obviously. Then that was the end of that. My friend once again left my life. It was really painful and sudden, but I can hardly say unexpected, can I? After a brief period, my friend wanted to re-engage with me, and I explained that I understood her predicament, and I wanted to continue our friendship, however we could no longer be as close or be as communicative as we once had been. I couldn’t be her support person only to be tossed aside, after I had finally made a tough decision to “choose a side” – something I initially tried not to do. I chose the wrong side perhaps, because I do think the partner would have been more loyal to me than I was to her in the end.
Anyway, I digress. My friend agreed to communicate on a more casual basis with me, then promptly ghosted me. I can’t say I was surprised or even all that upset as I had already come to the conclusion that we could not be close anyway and I understand the pain and emptiness a person feels when they are downgraded a friend level. There is no nice way to say “let’s be less close” because it doesn’t feel nice to hear or deal with. My friend would rather not have me in her life at all than have me as a shell of what we once had. I have been there. I totally get it. I left it alone, and I did not even blog about it…… so why now?
After quite some time had passed, maybe 6 to 8 months or so post ghosting me, my friend reached out. She wanted to make amends, to apologise for treating me poorly or hurting my feelings. I was surprised. For starters I did not really feel an apology was necessary because there were no hard feelings. I had reached closure. I understood what transpired between us and that we parted ways circumstantially more than because of any hard feelings or wrong doings.
I could see value in her accountability; however, it didn’t change anything between us. In her apology my friend made it quite clear she was not seeking friendship or communication from me, only wanting to state her case.
Regardless, I attempted to respond to explain I forgave her, I understood and offer my own apology and accountability for re-entering her life without invitation in the first place. I wished her well in her life and thanked her for the friendship we had shared, both times. But I got an error message when I tried to send it, so perhaps she blocked my communication, I guess I will never know. I know that it felt good to part ways on good terms, and my sentiments when I read her message and tried to reply were warm.
However, by the next morning, I felt more unsettled by the events. Not angry, but confused. An apology is words, an amends suggests you want to right the wrong, does it not? Why bother apologising for dumping me twice, only to contact me a third time to make an apology but essentially dump me a third time? What did I get out of that apology? Was it even for me? Or was it for her? To appease her own guilt? To make her feel better about the impression of herself that she left with me?
Which leads me to question, are apologies actually important, or manipulative?
More on that next week!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
