Last week I shared with you the brief story of a friend I made, then parted ways with a few years later and didn’t speak. After a few years of silence, I reached out and we made a second attempt at our friendship, which also ultimately failed. After almost another year of silence, this person reached out to me again, to make amends. She wanted to give me the apology she felt she owed me for hurting my feelings and abandoning our friendship, although she was also NOT interested in rekindling our friendship a third time.
Who knew friendships could be this complicated?! Haha I certainly know how to pick ‘em, that is for sure. (Actually, I clearly do not, which is ironically the point of this blog!) At the end of that post, I began to question the authenticity of apologies. Both the one from my friend, and the concept in general.
I want to start by sharing the story of a close friend of mine who is incapable of apologising. In our latest tiff, my friend read a message whereby I asked her a simple question (that I actually wanted to know the answer to asap because it impacted my immediate plans) and she left me on read for a week. Didn’t bother to answer me. When she did, she made her excuses, acknowledged that I would be upset and justified that she thought she had actually responded. To be clear to you, and to her, I did not believe a word of any of it. Even if she did forget to reply to me, that is actually not ok with me, and I wanted an apology. I did not get one. It upset me more. So, I obviously do put stock in the apology as a concept, although it isn’t necessary, it goes a long way in repairing bonds.
I only started re-evaluating this idea when I received the email from my (ex)friend to apologise but not reconcile. Her apology did not change anything, therefore did it mean anything to me? I believe my friend was genuinely remorseful for her actions that hurt me, that was never in doubt. But it felt hurtful in many ways for her to reach out and acknowledge that her lack of presence in my life was hurtful and for that she was sorry, then promptly state that she was not re-engaging in our friendship though. So, you came back to say sorry for leaving, only to leave again and remind me that you left and I am still not good enough to be a “chosen one” in your life. Cool? Not.
I had closure. Things were closed. I felt I had instated a healthy boundary by refusing to be her support person for issues with a partner who despised me as it was, only to be readily discarded like I was the least valuable person in her life, or certainly the most disposable. If she chose not to engage at all with me because I set a healthy boundary for myself, I was ok with that. I felt good about our ending. All that was taken away when she apologised.
In effect I had to forgive her, although I felt I already had, and she got to be the one to officially end what was already over. Technically she ended it both times anyway, but initially she ended it because I refused to do what she expected. The second time she ended it because I forgave her? Or in spite of it? It kind of felt like my power was removed and threw me back into victim mentality.
It also made me question my first apology to her, and if I had done that for her, or for myself. Honestly, I suppose it was for me in retrospect. I didn’t feel good about ending things without telling her things I felt she needed to know. I felt I fed her to the wolves and left her to bleed out and I didn’t feel that sat well with my values, so I wanted to appease my guilt about it. And as such, I offered the support I felt I always should have. I wanted to change our ending to one that made me look and feel better, and now, she was repaying the favour, but with no follow through.
What is an apology without follow through? Empty words. A person’s actions will always tell you what you need to know. I was sorry and I wanted to be there to make it up to her. When she was sorry it was pretty words on paper, but no way of changing the outcome for me. Instead, she just opened the wound? Good intentions perhaps…. but they pave the road to hell, right?
So maybe the friend in the first part of the story was on to something when she refused to apologise. She knows she will do this to me again. She probably did it because she doesn’t believe leaving me hanging for a response is a big deal. She knows it sends me a message that I am unimportant to her, and she wishes I didn’t see it that way, but she understands that I do. She allows me to be mad about it but ultimately, she leaves it up to me to forgive and forget in my own time.
An apology serves not only as a promise to change your behaviour, because if you do not the apology is not worth the paper on which it is written or the breath with which it was spoken. However, it also serves to appease the wrongdoer’s guilt (should they feel any) and rush the victim of the wrongdoings into a decision on how they want to proceed.
We are not really taught that it is acceptable to refuse an apology, wait until it is proven or rectified, or simply state that we appreciate the words however we are not yet ready to forgive and forget and we need more time to process what has happened and heal from it.
I have been guilty of this, as aforementioned, without even really being aware of my selfish motivations.
Image by Erika Krull, the cake library. https://www.joincake.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-an-apology/
So next time you ask for an apology or expect one, consider what it will change and why you want it so much, and next time you want to give one, really question what you are hoping for in return. Forgiveness may not be granted, and if nothing will actually change for the recipient is it kinder not to say anything at all and bring it all back up for them?
I suspect it might be, but I can’t say for sure! I would love people to weigh in on this with their own experiences, thoughts and opinions on this subject to help us decide if apologies actually matter as much as we tend to think they do, or if they are actually quite selfish in nature? Go!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
