Sticking with our theme of apologies this week, I wanted to discuss the timing of an apology, and maybe what we should feel and say instead of sorry?
In discussing apologies with my friend who refuses to issue them, I wanted her to explain to me why she doesn’t apologise. I was hoping she would offer some deep insight into her beliefs on the matter. Turns out that while she agrees with my ideas behind a validation in the aggrieved person’s feelings, being more useful and less manipulative than an apology, she does not apologise either because she is not sorry, because she believes she will repeat the behaviour, or because she struggles to admit fault. I admire her honesty here. Basically, if I am upset that she didn’t respond to my message for a week, that is my problem and she doesn’t give a damn if I walk away over it. Noted. Haha
Anyway, although she didn’t offer insight that I was hoping for, she did add that she felt timing was important in an apology. If you are truly remorseful, the apology will genuinely tumble out of your mouth instantly. Take an accident for example where you accidentally knock over an old lady in the shopping centre. Naturally you apologise and help her up to correct the action. And in this case that is really the only acceptable course of events. She may or may not be angry with you about your carelessness, but regardless, you still feel badly about it for the rest of the day and there is nothing you can do but sit with that feeling. However if you wait a very long time to apologise, chances are you are doing it for yourself and not for the other party.
Why should this be different when talking about friends? If you have acted poorly in a way that has hurt, offended, upset or angered a friend, it stands to reason that you should feel bad about it. They do, why shouldn’t you. If they accept your apology, you are more comfortable, but nothing can go back in time and undo your action to make them more comfortable, can it?
Saying sorry can be a reaction. I apologise if I bump into a lamp post. I apologise when people bump into me. I am not sorry; it is a reflex almost. Saying sorry only serves to acknowledge something happened. Saying oops would be just as accurate really, wouldn’t it? Less socially acceptable bit more honest.
An apology, we like to assume is a person taking ownership for the fact that something they said or did (or maybe even something they didn’t say or do, like answer your message! Haha) hurt you in some way. We like to think it means that they care, and yes, we want to know that they understand exactly specifically what they did and how it hurt us. But one word does not cover all of that.
Let’s examine the conversation between myself and the non-apologiser.
Me: “Damn, we can’t use that voucher you got me on a Friday like we planned. Shall I just go with someone else?” (Context – she bought me a lunch voucher for my birthday and we planned to go on a Friday which was the only day we were both available before it expired. The voucher was only valid Monday to Thursday. As we were not going to be able to use it together, I wanted to make sure she was ok with me using it with someone else, and I planned to use it in 2 days’ time with a different friend, if it was ok with her.)
Her: SILENCE for the following week (Context she read the message shortly after I sent it. It is not uncommon for her to not text back and just call me later on the way home from work to discuss, so I did not expect an instant reply.)
HER: (a week later) “I thought I replied. Thank you for trying to book Friday, but you take someone else. Xx”
HER: “OMG I totally thought I sent that message on Friday, I was not myself last week. 2.5 days off work, sick. Couldn’t even get out of bed.” (Context, message sent on Sunday evening after she returned from a camping trip where she posted photos of herself on social media not looking at all unwell. I messaged her the Monday before.)
HER: “You will be thinking I don’t love you. ☹”
HER: “How was your night away?”
HER: “And the rest of your weekend? (all messages sent on the same day and time)
ME: “I don’t like it when you don’t reply to my messages. You already know this. I especially don’t like it when the very last conversation we had before that was you being upset that your other friend didn’t reply to your message.”
HER: “I know! Like I said, I thought I had replied. I wasn’t intentionally ignoring you.”
I could go on, but you get the gist of it. She tried to apologise in a very round about way, and I made it clear that I was not ready to forgive her behaviour which I found unacceptable. Drama queen, I know!! Haha But this is not the first time this friend has done this, and it is not the first time I have felt disregarded, disrespected and generally unimportant to this friend. (Because friendships are lower on her priority list than mine, not because I personally am unimportant to her, if that makes sense?)
I did not like that she did not apologise, but when I reflect on it further, she acknowledged what she did in not replying, explained her reasons, validated the messages she knew I took from her silence and reassured me that she was not intentionally hurting me. It has accountability, without telling me I was over reacting (although we ALL know she totally thinks that!) and she did not pressure me not to feel that way. She let me be mad. She didn’t assume responsibility for fixing it, she knew I would get over it in my own time. Or not. She did not try and control the outcome.
It isn’t lost on me that this is because she doesn’t give a damn, she did not feel especially bad, and if I am going to be dramatic, she would rather I walk away than deal with my crap. It also isn’t because she is a master at apologies or has some deeper understanding that I am yet to learn. Except that maybe she does and she just doesn’t know it yet?
I value this friend because she frustrates me, because I do not understand her, because we are so different. She challenges me personally; she pushes my limits and perceptions and the ways I view the world because she sees it so opposite to me. Of course, we have loads in common too and we can relate on stuff that matters to us both, not to mention that we love to laugh. But she is prepared to look at herself with me too, to have these awkward conversations about why she is so stubborn and non-apologetic, and trusts I am analysing not criticising or judging her. Hell, she turns a blind eye to what I write about her here, and it isn’t always pretty. And I don’t apologise for it either! Lol
Anyway, maybe we could learn from her. Instead of issuing meaningless apologies, we can state what we did, and how we imagine it made the other person feel. We can even say we feel badly that we hurt them. But perhaps instead of saying “sorry” instead we should say “but I deserve to feel as bad as you for as long as you feel bad, so I won’t put the onus on you to forgive me before you are ready. I will try and be better though, because I do care about you and our friendship?”
Thoughts?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
