Ok, so the point of this blog was really to focus on fractured friendships, and over the years I have expanded out to talking all things friendship. Friendship is important, I am passionate about it and I think it is an important topic that I want to keep expanding and exploring. That said, I wanted to move back in the direction of troubled friendships.
This week, I was reflecting on all the reasons my friendships have failed over the years. I don’t really think people are toxic, however each of us is capable of being a good person who made a bad choice, or, alternatively unknowingly practising toxic behaviours or patterns. So here are the 10 reasons I could think of that eventually cause strain, if not rift of a friendship.
1. Competition or jealousy.
The first thought that came to mind was an example of a friend who unwittingly put us into competition over everything. It was not a competition I signed up for and it was not one I could win, and it was not one I wanted any place in. It didn’t matter what it was. If I bought a car, theirs was better because it had a better safety rating or better features. If I had a bad day, theirs was worse. Not only was this frustrating, it was invalidating. Somehow whatever I was sharing turned into a story about them. Which brings me nicely to my next point.
2. Selfishness or Not listening ….
or even holding space for me in the conversations. Some friends have used me more like a therapist at worst or an audience at best. It is always about themselves, and even if they do allow you to talk, they interrupt or don’t remember the details because they aren’t really listening.
3. Out of balance
This next one is more a quality of the friendship than of the 2 people within it, but often times as per the examples above, the friendship is somehow unbalanced. Ot may be unbalanced because one person is always the one initiating contact, or because one person is more invested in the other. Or, it may be unbalanced because you always do the same things. For example, you may always see movies together, which makes the frequent contact bring you together, however if you don’t really actually ever talk to one another, the intimacy will be lacking. On the other end of the spectrum if you always chat the hours away over coffee, the fun aspect may be lacking. Either can cause the friendship to feel a little stale.
4. Different Values
I am sure the pandemic has brought about some insight into a few of your friends, that may have surprised you. Maybe you had a friend who refused to wear a mask or be vaccinated and you felt they were putting you at odds with your own values about it? Or maybe you have a friend who started seeing a married person or cheating on their spouse… and while it may not impact you directly, it does change how you see them as a person. I have one friend who is always very kind and positive and one who is very sarcastic and mean when we speak, in good humour. Luckily neither offends me, however if you value postivity, a very negative friend like that could hurt you.
5. Social Exclusion
We all understand not everybody can be invited to everything. Yet sometimes that exclusion can feel just as confronting as it felt in our early years to learn we were not invited to the ellusive pool party! Not being invited to coffee with 2 mutual friends is one thing, however, not being invited to the group weekend away or consistenlty feeling excluded from regular events can take it’s toll on a friendship.
6. Co Dependency issues
I admit I can be a needy friend. I latch on sometimes too tight, and get attached to ideals. For example, if you begin messaging me everyday, and then abruptly stop, I will feel hurt and confused by this, which may only further fuel your desire to get space from me. Alternatively, if you need me to accompany you each time you run an errand, but never make the effort to spend any quality time together outside of this, I will begin to feel used and pull away. If it feels like we are just using one another to fill some sort of void, trying to act like friends instead of being friends, because it is better to be together than alone.
7. Lying or lack of vulnerability
We all tell white lies sometimes. Ok, so you didn’t really have a headache when you cancelled our plans lasy week, but that was easier to say than telling me you couldn’t be bothered catching up. Point taken. However, if you do this every week, our friendship should be strong enough for you to approach me and talk to me about the real reason you are being distant. (Whether it is about me or us or not.) If I reach out and say to you that I think things are not ok with us, and you tell me everything is fine, you are just super tired or busy, chances are high that I wont ask again and our friendship will end if you let it. That is because I am practicing vulnerability when I ask if everything is ok. Even if everything really is ok, I am clearly feeling things are off and wanting to talk about it. As my friend you should care about that. If you don’t take the opportunity to care and tell me what is really going on with you or with us, I will take that to mean you don’t care that I feel pushed away. I can’t support you or fix it if I don’t ask. And trust me, it wasn’t easy to ask. Shutting down that conversation shuts me out.
8. Judging
In many cases, the reason someone may be lying or not being vulnerable in your presence might be because they feel you are judgemental. This can come in the form of openly judging others in your friends company, or from giving unsolicited, even if well intended advice. (or lectures.) If you always act as if you have all the answers, like you wouldn’t have made such silly and obvious mistakes, or like you are above your friends, it stands to reason they may not open up to you easily. This is also true if you deliver brutal honesty. You can be honest and kind. Try to always be accepting and understanding and ask more questions. When friends try and open up to you, they want to talk, not listen. Try to validate them when you do speak and just be there for them.
9. Betrayal of trust or gossip
Friendships are formed around intimacy. The ability to share the real versions of ourselves, express dark thoughts and let down our guard to be truly seen and loved is imperative to intimacy. What it means is that we trust this person to see the best in us, even at times when we show them the worst. So nothing hurts more than to hear someone is smiling to your face and comforting you in your moments of need, then using those darker elements you have shared with others to paint you in a negative light. Especially if that involves betrayal of confidence, stated or implied! It may be worse if you feel your friend has made a fool of you by having an affair with your partner for example or cheated or manipulated you in some other way. Vulnerability is a beautiful intimacy not entrusted to just anyone and betrayal of that trust is hard to recover from
10. Money
I never thought money could be such a big issue in friendships. Why should it be an issue at all? If you borrowed money from a friend, pay it back in a timely manner and try not to ask again. If you lend someone money, you do not own them. If you lend them $1000 you cannot question every purchase or life choice after that. They did not ask for your advice, only your money. Surprisingly that is not the only way money becomes an issue. If you have more disposable income, you may embarrass friends by suggesting expensive luxuries – even if you are generous enough to pay, you create a debt your friend feels they cannot repay and keep them endebted to you unhealthily. Or if you don’t respect the way your friend makes her money. Maybe you work hard at a 9-5 and they earn their money by erotic dancing or are a stay at home partner to someone who earns. You may not respect the way they finance their life, but that is not your business.
These are just 10 of the issues I have seen crop up in my friendships. Please leave comments on the issues you have faced, as I am sure there are many more.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
