I was musing with a good friend the other day, teasing her about a man on the periphery of her life, trying to get closer, and failing miserably. My friend is not interested in this man in the slightest and she went on to justify all the reasons why. I smiled as I asked her about the long line of men waiting for her attention, slyly implying that there was no line. If I was going to settle, she retorted, I would be with you!
Now, I suppose this is fair enough. You shouldn’t dish it if you can’t take it. I deserved that. Yet, somewhere deep down, she touched a sore point. Did she think that I was not good enough for her, even as a friend? Has she settled with me? This particular friend and I are on our second attempt of friendship after our first failed miserably and I would even go so far as to say catastrophically.
When we reconciled, it is fair to say I allowed my ego to believe that this friend had missed me. That she had realised my worth, as it often takes losing someone to realise how important they really were to you. I certainly missed her, and came to see what a big part of my life she had become in such a short timeframe. (That is never good by the way, although it feels good at the time, it never ends well. More on that next week)
So now all this insecurity had swelled inside me, and hours after our conversation I found myself messaging her to ask if she regretted reconciling with me. Maybe she really had settled. What if I had thought she missed ME when in reality, she missed having someone, anyone. It’s uncomfortable, but perhaps relevant to note that when we fell out the first time this friend explicitly told me she had never liked me, never wanted to be my friend, she just felt sorry for me and then got stuck as my friend. Those were the last words she said to me for 2 years. Was this still true? (It’s only fair to note we were arguing. I’m sure I also said hurtful harsh things.)
There are few things more vulnerable than laying your heart on the floor for someone to potentially stomp on. AGAIN! I felt small and rejected and shameful that I had perhaps trapped this person with me a second time. And I felt protective, defensive of my heart and all the things I thought we had built and grown since that time so many years ago. Was it all a lie?
Of course it wasn’t. You can’t fake what we share. My friend was quick to reassure me that she is glad we came back together, that I am “her person” and my friendship means the world to her. There may or may not have been cheesy references to Cher’s song “If I could turn back time”….
“I didn’t really mean to hurt you,
I didn’t wanna see you go,
I know I made you cry, but baby
If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way,
I’d take back those words that have hurt you,
And you’d stay….
When you walked out that door,
I swore that I didn’t care…
But I lost everything,
Darlin’ then and there.
Too strong to tell you I was sorry,
Too proud to tell you I was wrong…”
Look, people say all kinds of things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment, and my heart forgives her, but it didn’t forget and remembering those words still stings. Because there is truth in every joke and every word spoken in anger. And the truth hurts. So why did she ever come back into my life then? I didn’t invite her back, initially, I accepted her back, perhaps because I didn’t want to believe those harsh sentiments, it felt good to bury them. But now this cutting reminder in a casual Tuesday afternoon conversation. Ouch.
The Baz Luhrmann ”Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen song” comes to mind. (Showing my age there, but worth a listen!)
“The real troubles in your life
Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”
Feeling slightly bolder by her reassurance I asked her to explain what she meant by that offhanded comment about settling with me, and she explained she had meant it as a compliment, to say that we have something special and any man in her life will have to be at least as good as me for her to consider settling down with him. Aww? (I think?) lol
This led to a broader conversation about settling as a concept, and we read a brilliant article on the TODAY website entitled “Why it is ok to settle for Mr Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. Now it was dated 7th Feb 2008, so I have no idea if the author still believes in her advice, but I would be interested to find out! In the article she points out the difference, and incompatibility between romantic love and a long term partnership, and how hard it is to sustain one while turning it into the other, because commitment is more mundane than passionate and the person who makes your heart flutter, is seldom the best person to have on your team in the trenches of life with you…. Basically to choose wisely. This applies to friendships too!
Now, I understand, this resonated with me, and my unpopular belief that all relationships are somewhat transactional in nature. For example “I will give you this in exchange for that.” The idea that you wouldn’t have to compromise anything in that transaction is laughable to me. So yes, you overlook certain things in order to benefit from others. My son’s biological father for example was exciting, attractive and fun, he made my heart race, but he would have made a misogynistic husband and I would have been miserable raising my son with him. He was a fantasy. My husband is reality. I feel it is important to know the difference. (And yes, in hindsight, not get pregnant to someone with whom you cannot foresee a long term commitment! Lol but I could never regret any of it.)
So perhaps my friend did use that time apart from me to assess her other friendships and realise that there were things about me she did not like in comparison. I have no doubt about this. Nobody likes everything about anybody. She also had that time to compare her life with me in it to me not being in it. And she decided she is better off with me on her team, for whatever reason. And so, she brought me back in to it for what she could get out of it, and decided to put up with my flaws and give me more of what I wanted in exchange.
And you know what? I am ok with this. I am probably not as exciting as the other people in her life, and I am needier than they are as friends. My expectations are higher because I give more than they do. And as long as she attempts to meet those expectations in return, even if it often feels burdensome for her to do so, I don’t care.
Maybe she did settle for me. And maybe I settle for her too. But I don’t think of it that way. I think of it as making a conscious and informed life choice rather than settling. We choose each other, even when it is hard. Even when there are things each of us dislikes about the other. Instead of walking away, we try to understand each other and learn from each other. Nobody is perfect, after all. Can you even call it settling when you’re happy?
I think of it like gold panning, a good shake will make the heavy metal settle at the bottom of the pan. As this friend is definitely a gold digger, haha, it doesn’t surprise me she settled for me. She sees my worth. And she is still worth her weight in gold to me too. Which is a lot. Lol
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
