Have you ever had someone come into your life in a bit of a whirlwind? Someone with whom you felt instant chemistry and connection on a platonic level. Someone who maybe made you forget what your life was like without them in it?
Last week I spoke about the rift and subsequent reconciliation between a close friend and myself. In that post I made brief reference to the fact that our friendship had come on quickly, and that usually this was a warning sign for the catastrophe that lay ahead. When you know someone’s entire sexual history at the end of your first coffee, for example, you know too much. Haha
It is fair to say that I felt drawn to this person. I thought she felt drawn to me too, but I can’t be sure after what transpired, maybe only I felt that. Anyway, the point is, I asked her out, and she agreed. What started as a quick coffee, stretched on to a movie and then a meandering dinner, changing locations for dessert. By the end of the evening, we felt we really knew one another. We knew our family situations, our romantic histories and our shared sarcastic sense of humour. It wasn’t long before we were messaging daily and getting together at least weekly, if not more.
She was more spontaneous than me. She challenged me to get out of my comfort zone, to try new things and to get up and go out even if it was not in the day’s original plan. She continues to challenge my flexibility with her impromptu nature that inconveniences me in good and bad ways. I was the reliable stable one, offering her the support to anchor herself, a place to return to when the world got her down. If I said I would be there, she knew she could count on me to be there. And maybe because we each needed what the other provided, we overlooked the obvious, which was that we didn’t really know each other at all.
Our intimacy was fast tracked by the over sharing we indulged in too early. Because it feels good to connect with someone, to share with them. Then when you have, you feel invested. But I had not had time to learn that she was flaky and emotionally avoidant in nature, and she had not had time to learn that there was nothing casual about me, despite how we easily laughed together. I had not witnessed her rage, that I now know bubbles very close to the surface at all times. She had not experienced my tendency to withdraw. Neither had acknowledged the other’s crippling people pleasing nature. We had no idea we would trigger each other in so many ways and that our foundation was not strong enough to withstand that pressure.
Nope, we jumped straight into the deep end of one another’s existence and went full speed ahead, ignoring every red flag along the way. It felt wonderful. It made me happy. To have someone who chose to be my friend, someone who would call and text often and made me laugh. And I liked it so much that I overlooked it when she would randomly go a week without speaking to me, then be annoyed at me for pointing it out, claiming she was busy and I needed to chill.
But the thing was, she had already established that pattern of close frequent contact. She had already made me feel welcomed in her life, and the sudden silences felt deafeningly loud to me. The more I said about it, the more I pushed her away. I didn’t know the depths to which our closeness scared her, and she didn’t know the depths to which I had come to depend on that closeness.
We didn’t acknowledge then of course, the voids we each filled in the other’s life. Which in itself was inherently unhealthy. If there was not a degree of loneliness in my life, I may not have been so quick to latch on to her. I may have had some balance in my life that would not have allowed that degree of intimacy to occur as instantly as it did. It did because we each needed it to. She, being more carefree, started it without really knowing what she was getting into. Then she had no idea how to get out of it. Not necessarily because she wanted out, but feeling like there was no way out made the pressure build.
She was free spirited, not one to be tied down. I wasn’t. As time went on, the same qualities that had drawn her to me repelled her. I bored her and my friendship became a burden. She started spending more time with other people, moving subtly away from me. When she would tell me about this, I felt affronted. Like she was rubbing it in my face and wanting to make me jealous, to make me chase her. (Now I know her much better this isn’t actually far from the truth! Lol) In her view she was testing my ability to give her space and be less possessive. If I expressed hurt or jealousy, I failed the test. If I did nothing I hurt. When I hurt, I pulled away more, when she wanted me to try harder.
We were letting our insecurities run the show and every communication soon became a miscommunication. Each time she let me down, cancelled plans, arrived late or spoke harshly to me, I closed off a little more. We started to feel unsafe with each other, in an emotional sense, yet each of us desperate for the reassurance from the other that they weren’t going to leave.
And so our worst fears came true, when we came to blows and walked away from one another. And we didn’t speak for the same amount of time that we had been friends to begin with! Because we did not understand each other and we did not try. We each formed a picture of the other and who we believed her to be, and we held her to that standard. Initially we showed each other our best qualities, and then were not interested in accepting the worst. You cannot have one without the other. Not for long. We called each other friends before we had a chance to make that a reality.
It takes time to get to know someone, no matter what chemistry you have. It takes years and situations and observations to understand a person. You observe what triggers them, what brings them joy and sadness. You observe how they react under pressure and stress. You watch long enough and you start to see things you couldn’t see before. Their motivations, their pressures, the dynamics of their life that have formed the person they have become.
I now understand my friend is flaky and it wont change, and she understands I need more stability. I work on flexibility and she works on reliability because we know what the other values. We concentrate more on meeting the other’s needs than getting her to meet our own. We understand the unseen and sometimes unspoken pressures in each other’s lives and why we are the way we are, and why we respond the way we do. We accept and love the other as she is. Warts and all. And instead of turning away and tuning out we turn and tune in. Now it finally feels like we really are friends, in a much deeper and real sense. Because we took the time to develop it and not rush it.
Fast and Furious friendships tend to be flings of fancy, a good time but not a long time. It is ok to enjoy them for what they are, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
