It feels shit. That is how it feels. It feels every bit as bad as if your partner broke your heart, with the added loss and isolation of not having your best friend to talk to about it. Accompany that with the heavy social pressure to rise above and not “gossip” about it and the shame you feel over this perceived personal failure and it is a recipe for depression.
You feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, alone, misunderstood and maybe even somewhat obsessed. I can’t say I have ever felt as obsessed with an ex-lover post break up as I have over an ex-friend. And no, I don’t actually feel like my sexual orientation has anything to do with this, although I admit I might love my friends slightly more or differently to my heterosexual counterpart, I actually believe we all feel the same way.
I might add, as a married person, the pain is no less because I have a partner and kids to distract me from the pain or support me through it. As a matter of fact the idea that they should somehow make up for any loss of a friendship is even more isolating, as I don’t subscribe to the idea that my partner should be my best or only friend. Who would I discuss him with then? Haha I understand however that the pain of losing your bestie when you happen to be single may sting that little bit more, on the basis that your bestie may have been your standard “plus one” and left a massive hole in your life and your heart.
Why is nobody talking about this? This obsessive crushing heartbreak we carry. Which only gets heavier each day we are not expressing it? Which sometimes gets even more painful as you hear about them living their best life without you via social media or mutual friends. At least if this proves true with an ex-lover people expect you to talk about how sad you are. They support you through it.
If you go to a party or the local shop and you run into an ex-lover, you can tell your friends about it…. And they expect you wont be ok about it. If it is an ex-friend it is petty to mention and you may be “involving them in drama” if you try.
So you try and get through the days in the best ways you know how until you silently cry at night. Love songs make you think of them, although they usually didn’t when they were in your life and songs about heartbreak speak to you, because you are in fact heart broken. You lay awake replaying old memories, your last conversation, looking for clues, the signs that you missed. You wonder if they miss you.
If you are anything like me you write them a tonne of unsent letters and wonder if you should reach out every year their birthday passes. Especially if it is a big year. You never really forget. Because with lovers, you replace them, eventually and yet it isn’t like that with friends. You move on, of course, but you never forget in the same ways.
You have no social script for this pain. Even a psychologist is not well versed in helping you through an unrecognised trauma. And the closer you were, the more time and support you offered one another, the harder it is to avoid all the reminders. You wonder what was wrong with you that you couldn’t make it work and you feel jealous of other people, even characters on tv shows with their perfect friendships.
You work through the stages of grief. Then just when you think you have reached peace about it, something reminds you all over again and you toy with the idea of reaching out. Then you chicken out, remember all the hurt all over again and relive it all. It strikes anywhere and everywhere because friends tend to have memories of all parts of out lives and so many places.
You look them up on social media. You casually enquire about them if you travel in the same circles. You pretend to be indifferent about it. And you almost get there. But never quite.
The loss of a close friendship stays with you, almost like the loss of a pet. Except the pet is dead and the friend is not. Regardless, you may have another best friend in time. But you will always remember the good times, you will always miss what you had. Your new friend will never ever replace your old lost friendship and the part of you that died along with it.
A friendship is a unique and intangible thing. It cannot be measured or reproduced or contained. Certainly not replaced. No matter how many friends you have, or make after the loss of your best friend, seeing an old photo, or bumping into them at the shop will always bring up all the pain again. Will always trigger the insecurity that you weren’t good enough, that you were disposable.
Recently our beloved cat Socks passed away from lung cancer. Now we have a new kitten. Oh how we love the new kitten. It brings us so much joy. But it will never be Socks. We still grieve the loss of him and we always will. We will not always cry over the memories, but we will always feel loss and sadness that he isn’t here with us anymore.
Losing a best friend is like that too. It never gets any easier, no matter how old you get or how many times you go through it. And that is ok. They say a heart that is broken, is a heart that loved. Sometimes it helps to remember that they are probably heartbroken too, even if it cannot be repaired or if you cannot tell. After a lifetime, we become good at hiding this particular pain. They may be better at it than you but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
It can be hard to put yourself out there again. It can be hard to trust. You may find your insecurities flaring up as you try to embrace new friendships, you may feel scared to try. You may struggle with abandonment fears. But please don’t give up. Friendship is true intimacy, not sex. Friendship is pure love. That is why it hurts so much to lose. Because it is worth having.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
