Have you ever entertained the deep dark thought that you don’t matter to the people around you? Have you ever entered a crowded room and felt invisible? Have you ever tried to speak in a group setting and found you were ignored, spoken over or simply not invited to speak? Like nobody held space for you to share? Have you ever felt forgotten or insignificant when yours is the birthday nobody remembers or yours are the texts that go unread or unanswered? Have you ever felt like people only want to talk to you, for you to listen to them but not listen to you? Have you ever felt like people only want to speak to you when they want something, or that you have to be useful to people to continue your place in their life?
I am willing to bet that most people can say yes to at least one or two of these extreme dark thoughts. Thoughts which can be confused with facts if you aren’t too careful. But if most of us have felt at one time or another that we don’t matter to the people around us, it is more than just a problem on a personal level. It means people haven’t always treated us with like we matter to them, and that means we have also probably treated other people like they don’t matter to us either.
To think that there were times our nearest and dearest felt like they didn’t matter to us hurts, doesn’t it? Because of course they matter, even at those moments when you didn’t do much to show it, they still mattered, right?! That said, it is probably also true that we could all do a little more to show people that they matter. Not just to us, but just that they matter.
Listen when they need to talk, and don’t turn the conversation back onto yourself. Ask more questions. Follow up a while later to see how things have progressed. Greet them warmly when you see them and express how happy you are to be in their company. Make a date to get together again in the future. Answer messages, and send them sometimes too. Put a reminder in your phone at least once a week to do something to show people that they matter. Send a card, deliver flowers or a meal, buy an item they mentioned they needed. Every week, think of something you can do to let someone know that they matter to you, that you thought of them, that you like and love them.
Friends matter, friendships matter, and letting them know that they matter, matters! Our friendships are one of the ways that we all use to confirm to ourselves and each other that we care and that we matter. It is hugely important to the human psyche to feel that you matter. Which is different of course from knowing that you matter. I like to hope that most of us do know that we matter, inherently. Like we matter to our family etc…. but even outside of that external source, we matter.
So instead of using that feeling that we all get from time to time to dwell on how little we matter, we can choose to reach out to others and remind them that they matter to us. Because letting people know that they matter, is just as important for reminding yourself we are all interconnected. We all matter. We feel good when we give to others. Not to mention that often when you give, you receive. Or we reach out to speak to a good friend, to let them know we have been feeling down, to ask for help. People would rather know you needed help than having you waiting while getting sadder and sadder because they didn’t think to offer!
Covid and all the social distancing and isolation hasn’t helped. It hasn’t been healthy for us mentally. It is easy to forget we are all part of something bigger when our worlds have gotten so much smaller. It’s easier to allow the thoughts and feelings to seem like facts and go on an evidence hunt, keeping score of what we have done versus what others have not done for us. It’s easier to become so insular with your housemates that you forget about the people who maybe don’t have any. It is easy to escape your fears in work and projects and forget about other people.
But just because it is easy, doesn’t make it right. So we all need to work together in both remembering that we matter, and trusting that our friends are just a bit busy to remind us, and also making that extra effort to intentionally let people know they matter. To spend an hour a week dedicated to reaching out to people, planning nice words, gestures or surprises for them. Just because they matter. Reminding ourselves that we matter, our friends matter and that our friendships do matter too!
Words are a powerful tool. Just reaching out to tell someone how much they matter for no other reason but you care and you wanted to remind them is a good start. Just make sure your words and actions match. It is not enough to tell someone that they matter and not do anything that supports those words. So yes, by all means, send the message, but when they respond, really listen, and if there is anything you can do, however small, do it.
Mattering Matters!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
