Sometimes we want something so much, that we kind of railroad our friends into things they weren’t really interested in doing. The concert you really wanted to see and didn’t want to go alone, so you guilted them into going with you even though tickets were expensive and you know they don’t like that genre of music? That pub crawl you dragged them along on, knowing they don’t drink, because then they are the perfect designated driver? That dress they couldn’t afford because it matched yours and how cute you were going to look?
I suspect most of us are guilty of this from time to time, and our friends give in because they love us and turn a blind eye, knowing that we now owe them a similar favour. These are minor infractions, generally done with harmless intent. However other times, the railroading is much bigger than we care to admit and it leaves us feeling resentful.
I had a friend once who would regularly agree to catch up with the kids, then suddenly have to leave because she had a migraine, and leave her children with me for the day so she could sleep it off. I felt I couldn’t really say no, she knew I didn’t have other plans, as she was my plans. Then I would feel resentful that I got tricked into babysitting, again, when I did not offer or want to babysit her kids. Her idea of friends was “other nice mums who do things for each other.” So this behaviour never seemed out of place to her and she didn’t seem to feel bad about it. I let resentment brew for far too long before I spoke up, but even once I did, the requests kept coming. I felt railroaded.
In another instance I told a friend I was trying to be mindful of my eating and I would prefer we arrange our get togethers outside of food. She said I was being unreasonable and food was an important and unavoidable part of life, and flat out refused to comply with my request, saying I could order a salad and she would be supportive of healthier choices. I suggested meeting for coffee, instead of lunch, seeing movies (where she could eat as much as she wanted to but I would refrain), walking around the shops, and just meeting at our houses instead of going out. And she’d agree. But inevitably there would be some reason why we had to grab lunch after the movie, or worse, she would cancel the movie, say she was busy and only available for lunch. If I wanted to see my friend, it had to include food. Not only did I become resentful, because I felt unheard, and railroaded, but I also started to question if our time together was about me, or if it was only that she wanted to go out to lunch once a week and needed someone to do it with?
In a third example, I asked my friend to be more present with me during our time together. I asked her not to be on her phone all the time and engage with me more fully. This friend insisted that they could pay better attention to me while they were busy with their hands playing games on their phone. And to be fair, when I quizzed her after a movie we watched together , she could answer my questions about the plot lines, characters and subtexts although she was playing games on her phone the whole time. However, it soon slipped back to “I just need to quickly email this person at work.” Or “I just have to call my mother back as she has been trying to reach me all morning” (And you were too busy with someone else to take her call but I am not important enough for the same courtesy?) Or “I just have to buy this item on ebay/marketplace/gumtree before someone else snaps it up.” And then we are right back where we started as she spends the entire time on the phone communicating with everyone but me!
Exasperated I complained to my psychologist that my friends don’t listen to me or respect my boundaries and that I always seem to end up going along with whatever it is everybody else wants to do, feeling unheard and disrespected and resentful. I admit, I suppose I wanted sympathy and for someone to agree that I was being railroaded! But that isn’t what I got. What I got was a question. “What was I going to do about it?” And there in lies the problem with resentment. I was resentful of them for my own behaviour. For my own inability to stand my ground. I could have stopped agreeing to hanging out with any of these people as I know what to expect and I don’t like it. I could have insisted the first person take her kids with her when she left and said I was going to make alternative arrangements if she was unwell. I could have attended restaurants with my second friend without ordering anything, but being happy to meet and chat. Alternatively I could be just as stubborn and say I can’t meet with you at lunch, only morning or afternoon coffee. I could have told my last friend it seemed like she was too busy to spend quality time and to let me know when she was more available. I could have said no to her playing games as a compromise to begin with when it wasn’t what I wanted.
I could have done lots of things. Instead, I let it go and let it go because I don’t want big confrontations. I know my friends will insist, push their views and aren’t interested in compromising, so I feel if I want it to work then it must be me who makes the compromise. Because I like these people. I wanted to still be friendly with them. But I wanted them to change so I didn’t have to.
I admit I have not quite conquered this yet. One friendship didn’t last the distance as a result, and the other 2 still push my boundaries. But I am getting better at controlling myself, and my expectations. I accept my friends want what they want from me and if I am unable or unwilling to change, then nothing will change as I cannot control them. I am doing better at just meeting the one friend for coffee instead of a meal or just eating less if I do agree to a lunch. I am getting better at accepting an hour with my phubbing friend (phone snubbing) where she can be more present than a few hours when she feels she needs to be productive and doesn’t have a few to waste.
But more than that, when I choose not to direct my resentment towards them, I start to feel more compassionate and understanding of why they are the way that they are. Of how stressed they each are about different things and I feel grateful I am not burdened with that stress. I understand my friend who cares for her entire family all the time just wants one nice hot meal out of the house away from anyone wanting anything for her, and I can’t really begrudge her that. (Although I can still choose not to eat.) I understand my other friend keeps herself busy to escape her demons and feel useful in a world where she is unsure of her worth and value if there is nothing to show for it at the end of each minute. I am grateful I do not live under such pressure and the need to escape myself and avoid my own thoughts. (Although I could be busier too, as we all have demons!)
When we understand that resentment is about a situation and that we contribute to that situation, if we don’t want to change, why should they? We can control how much we are railroaded. And we can acknowledge how resentment tends to unfairly colour our thoughts about our friends in very unfriendly ways.
It isn’t perfect, but it is a start. Control yourself, not others. Set your own boundaries and stick with them! But it doesn’t have to be concrete or inflexible. Most of the time maybe I wont meet for lunch, but if I feel like lunch that day then why not? Or find a restaurant I am happy to eat at after assessing the menu and meet there.
The only person who can really railroad you is yourself. Think about that, and turn that resentment into action! What can you do o change things?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
