When someone wrote in to tell me about a best friend situation, it was one I felt I could relate to, from both sides of the story! The gist of the story goes like this. You are sitting around minding your own business, and then suddenly you meet them. You quickly become besties and you don’t even know how you were getting by without this friendship before. Time flies when you are having fun, so before you know it a year or 2 has passed and you feel pretty secure with bestie. You have talked about your lives, and you are aware of a friend they had in the past, with whom they have lost contact for some reason. You have swept it under the carpet and haven’t given it too much thought, figuring their loss is your gain! Then, somewhat suddenly they rekindle their former friendship with bestie and you find yourself feeling cast aside and used! Were you ever friends, or were you just a placeholder or fill in for this other person during their leave of absence from bestie’s life?
I don’t know if this is good or bad news, but this certainly does happen, at the end of the day. But it isn’t as simple as that, well, not while it is happening anyway. I am going to draw on my own experiences here, and hope that it helps uncomplicate the complicated.
I have lost friends, and it hurts, especially when they were lifelong, or extremely close friends. When I have been in this situation, naturally it seems like a good plan to make new friends! I tend to be a pretty friendly person, and don’t always struggle to make new connections if I want to. And after a loss, the soil is pretty fertile to sew new seeds. Perhaps the best way to describe it is a serial friendship monogamist? From one straight to the next because I like connecting with people and building those in jokes and other intimacies, creating memories and having that person in your corner to turn to.
When I make these connections, they are not fill in’s. They are genuine and so are all the feelings involved! And as friendships are not monogamous, despite my earlier reference, if old friends come back into play, having new friends won’t deter me from rekindling old connections. It is always my genuine intention to maintain all of the connections, however life doesn’t always work that way does it?
Sometimes old connections are easy to get lost in, because they are established and patterns and habits fall back into step so naturally you hardly realise it. Not to mention when you reconnect with people after some time apart, you want to spend time together catching up on all the wonderful things that you missed!
I think it is also important to point out that one person only has so much time at their disposal, and so when you add more people, the slice of time for each person gets smaller. I have found that this can be particularly hard for newer friends to withstand. It can indeed create jealousy and insecurity, rightly or wrongly. Friends can be possessive too sometimes!
Other times, depending on where you are at with your newer connections, you may have just hit that spot where the honeymoon phase is over, and you start seeing the person in a different light. The more time you spend with someone, the more you get to know them and discover all their quirks and bad habits that rub you the wrong way. If your old friend happens to re-enter your life at a moment when you are already questioning your friendship with the new person, that can be enough to make the newest foundation crack under the pressure of comparison.
Or it is also possible that because you were vulnerable and lonely when you met the new person, you were determined to make it work and cling to a friendship that wasn’t quite the right fit for you, but you felt better about letting it go when you weren’t so lonely. I didn’t say it was right, only that it is true.
In different circumstances you may have misunderstood a lifelong connection with a friendship fling, the type that starts hot and heavy but usually burns itself out pretty quickly too.
I actually once had a friend whose life was a bit of a revolving door of phases. One month she was besties with person A, but then they upset her and it was on to person B etc… eventually person A would walk back through the door and the cycle would start again. But we don’t always see this about our friends, as we want to believe the best in them!
What I can tell you is that if you have lost a friend recently and it has left you wondering if you were just a fill in all along, is that you weren’t. Not intentionally. Your friendship was real. Your friend didn’t have a crystal ball. They couldn’t predict the future. They didn’t know their old friend would resurface, they thought it was over. They really believed you were the next best thing, and nobody can take away the memories you made together! That means something.
If your friend went back to their ex friend, and left you in the dust, and you have tried to salvage the relationship without success, please don’t allow this to tarnish other good connections with good people out there. No relationship comes with any guarantees. People are worth the risk. The right ones will stay. Or maybe they will come back in time. Only you can decide what is right for you.
Friendships really do ebb and flow, and come and go. Most people already know this and are ok with it. Don’t feel badly if you are still learning! I am too, that is why I write this blog, because the struggle is real! But it is also worth it! Friends forever or friends fornever, all my friends have been essentially good people I was lucky to have known and shared a part of myself with.
Please stop trying to tell yourself things are worthless or unreal if they don’t last. Please don’t give up on yourself or friendships in general. Live and learn, that is all you really can do anyway. If someone wants to leave your life, hold the door open for them. Then, later you can decide if you want to open it again should they knock. But don’t be putting any locks on, as you will only lock yourself in trying to lock others out!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
