Sometimes you can feel it when a friendship has reached it’s shelf life. It’s not that you don’t like your friend, or that they have done anything wrong in particular, you just feel deep down that you don’t really have much in common anymore, or you don’t find the return of the investment versus the time you put into it to balance.
Most of the time this is not a decision a person comes to lightly. It is a feeling long before it becomes a thought and then it stays a thought for some time before any action is taken. Most of us do consider ways we could improve the connection, or consider the circumstances and if they are likely to change. However, sometimes the simple fact of the matter is that you have outgrown each other and the things that once brought you together no longer exist!
It is ok to let friendships go. For all you know, your friend might be feeling the exact same way. Nobody wants to catch up with a friend because they feel they have to. And nobody wants to be that obligatory friend either. The question at this point has often changed from not if you should let them go, but how and when you should let them go.
We will start with the when, because that might be the easiest place to start. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets and the heavier you feel about it. Not to mention the resentment that starts building inside which may cause you to actually be “looking” for any small infractions as reasons to end the friendship. This almost always backfires, by the way, and usually becomes pretty obvious if you break up with a lifetime friend over something minor like they accidentally smashed your favourite mug. So the sooner you do this, the better. The only exception is if your friend is going through some major drama in their life outside of you, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job, health crisis or any other number of circumstances that would otherwise make their life harder than it needs to be.
Other circumstances are not a good reason to postpone your exit from their life, such as a birthday, Christmas or other celebration/event, held tickets to an upcoming show or event etc… There will never be an ideal moment. Life is an ongoing roster of these types of things and if you are using them as excuses to postpone, perhaps you aren’t really ready or don’t actually want to end it. Or maybe you are just frightened of confrontation!
If you are, the slow fade out method may be for you. This is when you slowly put more and more distance between yourself and your friend. You’re too busy to catch up, you check in less and less over time, slowly stop responding to messages or don’t carry the conversation on when you get them. If you are lucky perhaps, your friend might not even notice. Or they might be grateful you appear to be on the same page and no conversation is ever even necessary! This is so good because if you bump into each other in 5 years and suddenly you both have kids or dogs or some other factor in common the door is still open to reconnect without awkwardness or hurt.
However, more often than not, the feeling is not mutual. And that is why you have thought about it for so long! You aren’t a monster! You don’t want to hurt them, you just don’t really want to be their friend anymore. Except there is no friendly way to say that to someone, as it is an unfriendly feeling! So what are your options?
The first one is to ask for some space. If your friend respects boundaries and picks up what you are putting down, they will probably leave you well alone after this and understand the status quo. So you explain to your friend that you have some big things going on in your life, and you need to focus on other things and so you wont be around as much, but that it isn’t personal. Then you proceed to take space. If they contact you, you take weeks to respond with vague apologies and more busy excuses. You do this until they stop bothering to try and move on with their life. This is effective, but does require them to give up eventually and it will play on your conscience.
Sometimes though, no matter how hard you try, the friend just wont take the hint. If you are going through some things, they want to be there for you to support you even if that isn’t what you want and if you try to explain it accusations will be thrown about you pushing them away. Which is your cue to be honest and real and tell them that yes, they are right, you are pushing them away and that is what you feel you need right now. Thank your friend for their understanding and patience, wish them well and explain that this is about you not about themselves.
It wont always be received well. Initially a person will not understand what is happening. When messages go unanswered they may start calling and asking if you are ok. You will start feeling super guilty each time you ignore them, and if you have ever been ghosted, you will know that leaving without a trace and without a word can be traumatic. You don’t want your friend wondering what they did wrong for the rest of their lives, when the truth was that you just weren’t feeling it anymore.
They will ask for reasons and examples, and will probably bargain with you to try and fix things. Remind yourself that although this is frustrating if your mind is made up, that you owe them the conversation and that they obviously still care enough to try. It is hard when one party makes a decision for you both that impacts both parties. Give them time to process the information and allow them to be upset. You are probably not the right person to console them though.
The other option is to get in first, before the questions and calls start coming. It may be the cowards way out, but this is most often done by method of the written word. Letter, email, direct message or text. This is usually executed after a few unanswered communications from them but before they have started to worry that anything is wrong.
In this final correspondence, try to think more about them than yourself. Write about their good qualities, the fond memories you hold of them and always will. Explain your reasons if you can, but try to avoid blame. Keep your reasons about you, and what you want for your future, and not about what was lacking in them. Tell them you are not in a place to offer them the type of friendship that meets their needs and that they do deserve someone that can. Thank them for being part of your life story and wish them all the best for the future. But make it clear that you are ending the friendship. They may or may not respond, you cannot control that, but you do not need to respond or even read it if they do.
Just remember if you do send the dear john letter, it will be shown to others, and one day when you bump into them, you may live to regret it. It could make things for your future self a bit more awkward and complicated. Then again, that may never happen or you may never care if it does. We have to live for today as tomorrow is never guaranteed is it?
So do what you need to do in the kindest way you can, and know within yourself sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and that one unkind action does not make you an unkind person. Friendships are mean to be voluntary and authentic, and if you are stringing someone along out of obligation, that is neither. So it’s not really a friendship anyway and you’ll both feel better eventually after you cut it off!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
