It’s a wonderful thing, a friendship so close with a person who can read you like a book. Someone who knows you well enough to predict your moods, your foods and your grooves. Someone who tunes into your tone when you speak, who reads your face without words and who hears your silence just as loudly as your screams.
A friend of mine was recently refinancing her investment property. We were on our way to a ladies night screening of a new movie, and on the way she had to stop at the bank to sign the contract. I accompanied her into the meeting, at her invitation. My friend and the bank manager had the same name, so they were bonding over that. At some point in the meeting I asked the bank lady what my friend’s superannuation balance was, as we had been discussing it the week before. The bank manager looked horrified and asked my friend if it was ok to share such personal information. My friend and I looked at each other with confused looks as she reassured the lady to tell me the info. I made jokes about how she will have to support me in retirement. The bank lady continued to look confused and promptly brought the conversation back to names. She commented that her middle name was Jane and immediately my friend looked at my smirk and said “don’t say it!” I pursed my lips and said “I didn’t say a word.” She replied that she knew what I was thinking. After the meeting, when we were back in the car, we laughed that the banking lady’s initials were BJ, and how much funnier it would have been if her mother had the good sense to give her a middle name starting with J too. Immature? Definitely, but hilarious none the less.
Definitely something this friend and I may banter!
My friend not only knew what I was thinking (because she had the same thought) but she also knew me well enough to tell me not to say it! Just in case. I do try to filter sarcastic comments, but sometimes they do slip out at less than opportune moments because I can’t help myself! Haha She used her experience of me, her knowledge of me to read my facial expression, to notice the shift in my body language and to predict the outcome. If I am upset, she instinctively knows how to cheer me up, and if I start pulling away or getting distant, she knows exactly how much space to give me before pulling me back in. This is a skill. Although not with the same level of precision, I too can sense when my friend is stressed and not saying so, when she needs help but is too independent to ask and when she is in desperate need of a bathroom without a word!
Another friend with whom I share this close quality once messaged to cancel plans claiming a headache. I told her it was fine to cancel, but only if she was going to tell me the real reason. A headache wasn’t out of the question as this friend does suffer migraines….. however I could just sense, even over text that something was off. She admitted she had broken up with her partner and couldn’t face anyone. Although we would usually catch up and talk it through, it was clear she needed some time alone to process it. She asked me how I knew, and I said I just did. I could feel something was off. The tone of her message was off, shorter than normal, and just didn’t sound like her or feel familiar.
That is definitely these friends.
The pros to these friendships are endless, because so much can be communicated without a word, or with a code word or in joke, with a gesture or a look, with a smile or a hug. On the other hand, as my latter friend discovered, it has it’s cons too. You can’t hide from these friends. If something is wrong, they can sense it. You cannot really pull away from them, they will feel your absence and search for you to hold you accountable. They will know when you are lying. They will know when they have upset you even if you are trying to hold it in because you know deep down you are over reacting or feeling extra sensitive. They will see it in your expression if you hate the gift they bought you and they will notice if you grimace when you drink the coffee they made!
They will also know when something they are going to do is likely to upset you. This might be the biggest curse. Because we like to think that if people cared for us they wouldn’t act in ways that they know would hurt us. So they are more likely to avoid you rather than give you the news, or, alternatively butter you up before hand before delivering the blow. It doesn’t mean they are doing something bad, only something they know you wont love. Getting back with their ex. Having a baby. Moving away. Whatever it is, they are already feeling your pain for you before they have even given you the information so your negative reaction, even if you try to hide it, hits even harder where they already hurt for you.
I guess in these types of friendship you get twice the love and twice the pain, because they are honest and raw and exposed. While honesty is always the best policy, and the only possible policy in these friendships…. Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe that’s where the expression too close for comfort is born?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
