Hey loyal readers, as you know, in February we focussed on the friendzone and getting out of it, then last week we talked about how to move your friendship into romantic territory if the confessed feelings were reciprocated and you ventured into new exciting territory. However, as you may well have discovered, the fantasy doesn’t always live up to the reality. So what happens if one of you decides that actually, you were better off as platonic friends? Is there any way back to where you were?
There is good news and bad news here. First of all, it might depend on if this decision was mutual. If you happened to be the person longing for your friend romantically for quite some time, and then all your dreams came true when they said yes… if they then changed their mind, my goodness that will hurt. It will not be easy to transition back into platonic territory. The hurt party may need some space and that in itself can be a true test of friendship.
Friendships are hard to maintain when one person actively needs space from the other, as it has no definite ending and it leaves both of you feeling disconnected and a bit uncertain, so it is easy for not talking for a while can turn into never talking again. For that reason, it is important to try and check in with one another from time to time to show you do care, you are thinking of them and do want to remain friends when both of you are ready. 12 months is a pretty good time frame to take to focus on yourselves and other relationships and allow wounds to heal.
Whether or not you take any space, it will be important to spend less time together. You cannot simply hang out the way you used to and think lack of physical intimacy will be enough. You can’t continue to be each other’s go to person. You can’t be each other’s plus one, even if you used to be before when and if you were friends before you started a romantic relationship. That said, physical intimacy needs to end too. You must maintain clear boundaries.
Boundaries around emotional connection, physical connection, financial connection and time spent all need to be firm. In a past post about moving from friendship to romance, I suggested if you had always watched horror movies on Friday nights for example that you continue to do so. However, in this situation, it is important to break those habits and not continue to do things that you have always done. You need to start breaking apart, and then building a brand new friendship.
It is unlikely you can be close immediately, you will need to be sensitive about certain information, for example if either of you either start dating anyone, or if one is seemingly doing better than the other. Space, boundaries and sensitivity, and starting again slowly and getting to know each other again, all mean that you cannot just “stay friends.”
A break up hurts people, it changes them. So you might not cope the same, you might not recognse each other and you cannot stop each other from growing by insisting that you stay close or stay who you are. If you are really going to be friends, you each have to feel free to be as you are and grow, while feeling that your friend has no attachment to you being a certain way or expectation of the friendship.
Then, as time goes on you have to create enough space for new partners to come and go, and respect their feelings about you remaining close with your ex. It is ok to stay friends, however if time with your partner is not prioritised because you are always with the ex, and holding space for them and their problems, then the emotional intimacy has not dissipated enough for you to move on.
Essentially, in time this is important. You cannot bounce back to each other as some sort of emotional back up plan, or stand in each other’s way of finding a fulfilling relationship. You cannot block each other from moving on, and that can happen unintentionally if you try to stay too close for comfort.
So if you want to take space and grow a new friendship, that is wonderful. However if you want to hold on incase you never find someone better, hedge your bets so to speak or are frightened to let go because some sort of dependence has developed… you probably can’t stay friends. Because people aren’t security blankets. If you have chosen not to be together, then at least for a time, don’t be.
Then you can grow a beautiful friendship and you might be glad you did. It isn’t impossible, but it does take time, forgiveness, understanding, space, willingness, intent and patience. And often, for someone, swallowing of ego and pride. Only you will know if it is worth the time and effort this takes. And either way, one day, it will be ok, no matter how hard and awkward and painful and scary it might all feel as you navigate it.
Remember, this was a risk you took when you deviated from the platonic path to begin with to explore a romantic relationship. There are no guarantees. But you decided it was worth the risk, so now it’s time to see if that is true! Good Luck.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
