Ok, so I was looking up love languages, when I came across an article on www.yourauthenticpersonality.com. There is a quiz and everything, I encourage you to check it out. The article kind of ties in your love languages to your needs, strengths and weaknesses and outlines 4 basic personality types, and which love languages tend to exist within those personality types. They are doers, connectors, improvers and stabilizers.
And it seems to make a lot of sense when you start to think. Doers are bold personality types, they get things done, are decisive and goal oriented and confident. They don’t hesitate to act. They can be impatient as they hate passivity and people who deliberate for too long or overthink. For this reason they can sometimes come off as blunt and insensitive. But they also can’t ask for help as they value independence and having agency. And they struggle to relax because they are so focussed on productivity to prove their value and earn status. They are career driven and enjoy a challenge as long as they still feel in control. They are competitive and organised and hate clutter and sluggishness. They don’t take orders well. They need praise and recognition of their achievements.
I have a doer friend. That means they keep busy doing things. But nobody has THAT much to do…. Unless they are often doing things for others. Caring for elderly or young family members, assisting colleagues at work, running errands for inlaws…. That is their way of expressing love and care. And it is often the doers of the world who feel under appreciated and overwhelmed because much of the time they are so busy doing things for others that they don’t feel like anybody is doing anything for them. Their own stuff is being neglected while they take care of everyone else. They also don’t feel acknowledged and celebrated. They want the world to know nothing would ever happen without them taking control and leading the way.
So the best way to take care of your doer friend, is to do things for them. Acts of service. Big and small. When you are at the shops, ask them if there is anything they need. These friends also probably appreciate words of affirmation and recognition. So when they do things for you, remember a card with some pretty words of thanks will fill them up and help them not feel taken advantage of. Or public displays of affection, physical or otherwise. My doer friend likes to feel rewarded with praise and gifts. It makes them feel like you thought of them and acknowledged how much they do for you and you wanted to get them a token of that appreciation. Big or small, it is genuinely the thought that counts. My doer friend struggles to ask for help, although accepts it somewhat willingly when offered. So if your friend is a doer, remember to offer instead of saying later “you should have asked.” They are unlikely to make you ask.
Then we have our connectors. If your friend is a connector, they are a social butterfly. They wear their heart on their sleeve and they aim to please. The more the merrier with this friend. They are positive and they form relationships through meaningful emotional relationships with almost everyone they meet. Because your connector friend is so friendly, they first and foremost crave words of affirmation. They will tell you exactly what you mean to them and appreciate the same in return. They need some amount of quality time, but this needn’t be in person. They like to know that they are valued, so they appreciate a little message that lets them know you thought of them, and they are thrilled even if it is just the exchange of jokes and memes on a regular basis because they love spreading joy. Similar to the doers, they also appreciate a gift but not because they are materialistic, although in some way doers and connectors do measure their worth to you via gifts, but mostly because they love knowing you either saw something and thought of them, or thought of them first and went out of your way to get something special. Doers don’t care as much what the item is, but connectors want to feel that the gift represents your close bond, so make it something thoughtful. Connectors are also loving, so they are the type to offer a long hug or a cheeky smack on your rear. They crave physical touch for the simple reason that they love feeling connected and loved.
So if your friend is a connector, send them that funny video to let them know you think of them. Give them a meaningful gift and a card with warm words of affirmation and love, validating their value to you as a friend. And when you gift it to them, give them a big cuddle too. Listen when they talk to you, remember the details, follow up. Be someone they can turn to and someone they can count on. Never isolate them, always remember to reach out and never make them feel like they are too much. People give in the same ways they like to receive, so accept their gifts, don’t shy away from their touch and tell them you loved that meme they sent, and that they are the best. And if you feel lonely, reach out. Even if they don’t have time, they will connect you with someone that does! An occasional act of service, preferably offered will be appreciated, however not needed or expected. They are better at giving than receiving.
Next we have our improvers. If your friend is an improver, it is likely that their top love language is quality time. They always seek to be closer, to improve your connection, to make it deeper and make sure they fully understand you. But they also like order, tend to be less flexible and like to be in control. They will be the planners, and they will have planned for every outcome. They like science and maths because they don’t do well with grey areas and unclear expectations. They are overthinkers and will analyse every reaction of yours scanning for clues if they got it right or wrong. They prefer a few deep and meaningful connections than loads of superficial friends and don’t do well in groups. They are reflective, and like to correct their mistakes. It may seem like they are prone to focus on the negatives but that is because they want to be better. They don’t do well under pressure, they need time to think, to plan, to perfect. They need order and some solitude and things like art and music to help express their depth.
So if your friend is an improver, they need quality time. They are happy to instigate this, and want you to demonstrate trust by going along with their plans. Everything they do is carefully considered and words of affirmation will go a long way. If they see an area you can improve in, they are likely to tell you, however they are not great at acts of service. They will tell you how to improve and expect you to action it, and wont easily accept acts of service either as they like to fix things themselves. As they can be perfectionists, gifting is difficult for them. They don’t appreciate thoughtless gifts and would rather an experience building memories and time together. If they do get you a gift, they will be disappointed if it misses the mark of sentimentality. The best way to meet your friends need is to make the effort to be one of the trusted few in their inner circle, by offering time and attention, and like their imput and critical thinking is of benefit to you. If you create a safe space for them to be vulnerable it can be beautiful but otherwise they can be aloof, closed off, and even cold. They don’t trust easily, nor forgive easily, so attention not to be careless is paramount. They want to get it right, but they expect the same of you.
Last, but not least we have our stabilisers. Stabilisers are the glue holding us together, they are patient and observant, unassuming and quiet. They are conflict averse, hate changes and endings and prefer to find ways to keep everyone happy. They are humble, and diplomatic. They tend to be disorganised because they are singular minded and focussed, and often don’t assert themselves for fear of rocking the boat. They are relaxed and go with the flow. However sometimes they are so relaxed and unassuming that they can seem uncaring and disengaged. Similar to improvers, they like clear expectations and a slower paced relaxing life. They are great listeners.
So if your friend is a stabilizer, they are prone to feel unseen while they shine their light on everyone else. For this reason they need quality time. They want to listen to you, but nothing makes them feel happier than when you make time to listen in return, and hear the things they do not say. Because there is a lot they don’t say. They are over responsible and tend to carry other people’s problems. They will give acts of service and gifts to try and make you happy, and it will work if you shower them with words of affirmation that make them feel deeply seen and understood and not part of the background they so desperately try to blend into. They are tolerant and too forgiving, but that leads them to feeling used easily. What they really want is a quiet time together. A day spa date, a movie, a gift that demonstrates that you really see who they are and what they like. Give them attention and permission to shine, and they will shine their light all over you.
Which type are you? Do you see your friends in any of the other types?
Next week we will look at the compatibility of the pairings and the pros and cons of each!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
