Gifts Given from Ghosts

Well my lovelies, this week, while discussing house renovations and changes with a good friend of mine, we came to discussing a few pieces of artwork that my friend displays, which were actually gifts from ex friends and lovers from her past. Some she was ready to part with, purely on the basis that they came from someone she no longer wishes to remember, and some she wanted to hold on to because she really liked the pieces, but really disliked the reminder of the gifter at the same time.

This was fairly relatable to me, as a few friendship collages sprang to mind, gifted to me by people who have since left my life. Both of which are now packed away neatly in a cupboard. I no longer wished to display them, it would seem strange and inappropriate, however, I also didn’t feel right in discarding them. Actually, I didn’t want to discard them, because all the memories captured with that person were still valuable and happy from that time of my life. Seeing them everyday and knowing things didn’t work out might be painful, but looking at them occasionally as I go rummaging in the cupboard to find something else, gives me pause and makes me smile.

Although these people are no longer in my life, that doesn’t mean I don’t wish them well. But, my friend reasoned, what is the point in keeping artworks you no longer display or really look at. Maybe I am sentimental, or maybe it’s just my hoarding tendencies, so although I see my friend’s point, this approach works for me. The thing I have more trouble with personally, is what to do with gifts I purchased for a specific friend before they left my life, that I never had a chance to actually gift them?

I am a pretty organized person when it comes to gifts, and I like to be prepared. So I might buy your birthday and Christmas gifts at the same time, even if there is months between the occasions. I like to make lists and have ideas ready to go. I like to have time to order things online so they arrive in plenty of time. I like to have budgets for how much I expect things to cost. Usually things run smoothly and I appreciate the ability to just pull out a gift “I prepared earlier” on the day at short notice without much stress. I often write the cards in advance too. Reading these back does sting.

When the system works, it is a beautiful system. But just like any system, there are sometimes unforeseen glitches. Which has at times left me with very specific gifts, and nobody specific to gift them to. And when I see them laying around, it is a painful reminder that I lost the opportunity to show someone I cared for a token of my friendship. It hurts to know that they left my life, and how I hadn’t seen it coming. It also hurts if I cannot return the items, which is sometimes the case, depending on the retailer and the amount of months that have passed since the purchase.

I wont lie, sometimes it’s satisfying to return the gift if I am able, and receive a little financial bonus boost of unexpected gains. But sometimes I am left with obscure items that this person would have loved, but that aren’t necessarily suited to the tastes of most. I hate seeing them there, but I also hate waste too, so it is a real conundrum.

The friend I was speaking to about this issue, decided she was going to sell the item she was looking to discard online. While I have time and ability to do this, it is such a hassle that I have never really bothered. If I can think of someone to regift said item to, that is my first point of action. Saves me getting them something else, saves money and they are none the wiser that they were not originally the intended recipient. However, there isn’t always 2 people in your life with a specific love of teapots or a collector of old records for example. Sometimes I have to get crafty and gift the teapot to a child for a tea party, or repurpose the record into wall art.

If I can’t come up with a more creative solution, then I will ask my existing friends if they know of anyone who might be interested in said item, and happily gift it to them to pass on as a gift from themselves if the shoe fits. I might pass it on to someone who is selling things to raise money for something, or donate it as a prize for the school raffle. Failing all else, I will usually get around to making that trip to the charity shop eventually. It does serve as a good reason to go through things and clear out items that are now just gathering dust.

Whether the gift was given to you, or you bought it for someone, it is really up to you what you choose to do with it. You are certainly under no real obligation to return it – and when someone did this to me it just added salt to the wound honestly. I’m guessing that was the intended result! It worked. You are perfectly within your rights to keep it, and either stop associating it with the gifter, or use it to serve as a reminder of the happier times between you. That said, you are also under no obligation to keep it. All my suggestions so far have been recycling or regifting or repurposing…. But if it feels satisfying for you to bin it, then do it and don’t look back.

There is no right or wrong here, the person has left your life, so they probably give no thought as to what you will do with items they gifted you, and if it was items you bought for them, that’s even better because they don’t even know about it! Your life is in the today and in the future, so if something you received no longer fits with the person you’ve grown into, don’t keep it. What is it Marie Kondo says… if it doesn’t bring you joy… (and especially if it brings you pain…. ) get rid of it in one way or another and make space for more positive energy from things that do bring you joy!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Romantic Friendships; Falling in Love with Friends.

I have always written here about the similarities between romantic relationships and friendships. The parallels between the 2 types of relationships and that each of them requires time and effort and communication to make them work. I have written about queer platonic relationships, in which the 2 people typically pair up and live life as a team, rather than a couple, but are not physically or romantically involved, although there is much love between them. I have written about platonic soulmates and how I believe some of my friends are indeed soulmates.

I’ve even written about unrequited love in friendships, or requited love whereby the 2 friends take their friendship knowingly to a sexual level. Which reminds me of writing about friends with benefits. There are so many ways in which friendships can kind of combine with sexual and romantic relationships and I thought I had written about them all. But, dear readers, it turns out, maybe I have not! Coming across this article in mamamia.com.au about romantic friendships was like balm to my soul. It felt like home. A name for something I have been engaging in all my life…. And a thing that other people are also familiar with?! I encourage you to step away from my article for a moment to read this one. I hope you come back, but if you don’t, you get the gist of what I am talking about.

Romantic friendships are like falling in love. You get the same rush when their name pops up on your screen, and you are excited to see them. You communicate consistently and if you live close enough, which does tend to be a key factor in these friendships, you probably spend heaps of time together too. They are like a best friend…. But also, somehow more.

You might think these are the sorts of relationships single people engage in, to meet their needs until such times as a more intimate type of relationship comes along, but the surprising thing is, that many of the people in these relationships are actually already partnered or even married. And, I would expect, a fair few of those partners may even feel a little bit threatened by the close, intimate nature of the friendships. Not to mention other friends and family. I certainly have had people ask or assume that some of my friendships were more than I was letting on. Thankfully, my husband loves and accepts me as I am, and he doesn’t bat an eyelid at these connections I form. He’s well aware that this is something I seem to need on some level, and he isn’t worried about it. He knows and trusts that I am not unfaithful, even if I do very much love the women involved.

The thing is, with these connections, they are deep and beautiful and pure. They aren’t based on physicality or sexual attraction – they are based on who your soul is drawn to. I have never subscribed to the idea that we can only love one person at a time in any context. I’ve just never really had the language to describe the friends with whom I have definitely fallen into some sort of love.

These friends and I go on date nights, and yes, we call them date nights. We are more than comfortable sharing a room or even a bed. We happily strip down in front of one another. We talk openly about life, love, sex, problems, weird body issues, childhoods and trauma’s. Nothing is off limits. We openly communicate about how to maintain our connection and what each of us needs from the other to sustain it. We exchange I love you’s. We exchange love letters of sorts, in birthday and Christmas cards. We plan extravagant birthday celebrations for each other and go on girls nights away. We’ve met each other’s extended families. We call each other wife. We celebrate friendship anniversaries. We celebrate valentines or GALentines. These romantic friendships run similarly and simultaneously to the other relationships in our lives. Platonic or otherwise.

While these relationships are not, for me at least, physically intimate or affectionate, for many people, it wouldn’t be uncommon or uncomfortable to spoon or lay your head on the other’s lap on the couch. For me personally, it also isn’t uncommon for them to hang out with hubby and I. At home, on date nights, on anniversaries. At times most of them have even gone out with hubby alone. Or going out as a foursome, even if the partners have little in common.

One of the best things about these relationships is that they are not exclusive. So that means there is less jealousy involved. If I have more than one romantic friendship, I have to expect and accept that my platonic partners do as well. Notice, I said less jealousy. Not none. Because there is a certain level of feeling occasionally entitled to their time, attention and love, based on the history. So when you watch them fall in platonic love with another person, or when they watch you do it, feelings can and do get hurt. To be honest, as these friendships run so similarly to that between lovers, it is fair to say that sometimes we fight like lovers too.

We know exactly where all the sore points are, and exactly how far we can push each other, without going quite so far as to irrevocably damage the bond. That’s not to say, however, that sometimes we don’t break up. It does happen, and when it does, it is absolutely heartbreaking. I often think it is actually more heartbreaking than losing a lover – because your friends are the ones you turn to when that happens, so when they are the people who broke your heart and have vanished from your life, it is actually very difficult to recover from.

There is so much vulnerability and trust in romantic friendships, that violations of that trust feel like deliberate targeted attacks. They know exactly where your weak spots were, and that’s exactly where they aimed their blows. Forgiveness is not always possible. But where it is possible, it is also powerful and serves to reinforce the bond between you.

I have had friends, over the years, who have accused me of being in love with them. This always felt like an attack, someone using my sexuality against me as a weapon. But maybe they were right. Maybe I had fallen in love with them to a degree. Maybe what really bothered them was that they had fallen in love with me too. A woman. And perhaps that challenged their sexuality more than they were comfortable with. That when their other people questioned their relationship status with me, they felt awkward or embarrassed about it.

Why? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s ok to fall in love with your friends. It is normal to love them. It’s not necessarily that we stay in love with one another, just that there was an intense bonding period at the start where we did indeed fall in love. In many cases, that progresses, similar to marriage, to a deeper level of love and caring. Less exciting but stronger and more durable. Still in need of date nights and romance and communication. Still deserving of time and attention and support.

At least now I know why some people don’t understand it. They do friendships from more of a detached distance, more how I would describe a casual friend. If that works better for them, so be it. They don’t know what they’re missing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The lady who featured in the Mamamia.com.au article; Rhaina Cohen, has written a book about this concept, and presumably her experiences with it, called “The other significant others – Reimagining life with friendships at the center.” I am off to read it. I can’t wait. This is not an affiliated marketing post. I do not receive commissions or payments for articles, books or products I recommend. I only recommend the ones that speak to me, and I share them with you, because if you read my blog, you are probably just as passionate about friendships as I am. So if you want to buy her book, here’s the link.  https://www.amazon.com.au/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship-ebook/dp/B0C1X7HNWP

I hope you enjoy it. Head over to my Facebook and let me know what you thought. Have you ever fallen in love with your friend in a strictly platonic sense? Tell me your thoughts and experiences? I’d love to hear them?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

https://cupofjo.com/2021/09/21/do-you-tell-friends-i-love-you/

The new kid on the block.

I was listening to some of my old music in the car the other day, and “Step by Step” came on. Happily singing away, I was interrupted by a phone call from a dear friend. Answering the call on speaker, I said hello before muting the music. “What on earth are listening to?” My friend demanded. I told her the song. She hadn’t heard of it. She asked who sang it, and I could not for the life of me remember. Singing the lyrics to her wasn’t helpful and we laughed that I was showing my age, being a whole 19 months her senior.

It was bugging me that I couldn’t remember the artist! Maybe I really was showing my age! Haha When I got home I did what we all do, and I googled it. New Kids On The Block of course?! How could I forget? And how could my friend not know this song? I digress. The band name got me thinking about a friend of mine who has recently started a new hobby, and the unwritten rules that exist around joining an already established group of friends as the newbie.

Personally, I am not a fan of group friendships, but at times they really can’t be avoided, like in this situation when someone joins a project that was already underway, and a solid group had already formed well before your arrival. In this instance, it just so happens that my friend, who is female, was joining a group of male friends. I don’t know how relevant that is to the dynamic, as I suppose it is fair to say that most groups have some sort of initiation period whereby the newcomer is assessed for their worthiness and may be considered a threat initially.

This was certainly the case with my friend, who noticed in the beginning she was playfully ridiculed, and her input was not really taken seriously. Her suggestions were not considered – rather laughed off or completely ignored, and she knew she had to keep showing up in order to earn their trust and respect. There was the idea, like within many circles, that women were not as competent as men in the field and only there for equality instead of quality.

My friend had to observe the dynamics of the group carefully. She assessed who seemed to be the leaders of the pack, and who seemed to be the followers. Once she identified the weakest link, she started making more effort to talk to him, build up his work, not to mention his ego, and at all times make sure she was friendly, not overly sensitive and in no way a threat. Rather, she wanted to join the group and add to it’s already strong content. With some time, and persistence, my friend and the weakest link, began co-collaborating on a side project together.

The others noticed, and started paying attention. Suddenly some of the others were inviting her to collaborate with them too. This seemed like a positive sign, however it was not lost on her that there were still jabs and mild attempts at under the radar sabotage. Attempts to deliberately provoke her into becoming upset so as they could label her the “typical woman” and downcast her accordingly. But my friend was smarter than that. She wasn’t taking any bait. She rolled with the punches and she started giving back just as much strong banter as they were throwing her way. Slowly, she started noticing a change in their respect levels.

While initially her input was ignored, now there were several occasions when the group sought her opinion. She was invited to the group chat. She was included in personal conversations about their private lives and the gossip about the behind the scenes and the higher up’s. They were now asking her to be included in her own projects. She finally started to feel like one of the gang instead of the newbie. One of the boys rather than the woman who doesn’t belong. They were recommending her work with pride, rather than jest, and even asking her for tips and feedback on their own contributions. When one of the strongest members of the pack moved on, she was invited to take his place.

It is never easy being the new kid on the block. Many people who are trying to initiate themselves into a clique or an established group make the mistake of trying too hard to impress the alpha of the group. This only serves to put the others against you and confirms suspicions that you are a threat. It is important to be confident, but to also demonstrate that you wish to join and add to the dynamics, not rearrange the structure or divide and conquer. The hardest part about this is showing up consistently to a group of people who make you feel unwelcome and maybe even disliked.

You need to remember to hold your own, step into your power and never hesitate in your belief that you have something of quality to offer. By being your authentic self, rather than working to impress, you will gain their attention and respect. By not rushing or acting over familiar too quickly. By waiting for invitation rather than interjecting yourself too forcefully. Calm confidence is attractive. An ability to take the heat and give it back playfully whilst not letting it get to you demands a certain amount of respect. Not caring too much what they think of you is powerful.

If you are the new kid on the block, be unapologetically you! Even if that means owning that you regularly listen to the likes of Jason Donovan, Tiffany and New Kids On The Block in your car at full volume unashamedly. Know your worth and let them get to know it in their own time. And remember, it won’t be too long before someone else is the new “kid on a corner!” (Click the link and you will see what I did there with that sneaky Tiffany reference!)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Value Of Showing Up.

Sometimes it can be easy to let a friend down because we didn’t show up for them in the ways they needed or expected. Maybe we were too busy, or we forgot that it was a special day for them because we got caught up in our own lives. Or maybe we didn’t know what to say, or whatever they were going through made us uncomfortable. Or maybe we just didn’t even think, we didn’t even realise that they needed us.

Some slights are smaller than others. I remember once feeling I had let a friend down because during her divorce, when she needed me, I would pick up the phone. However, she later mentioned how much she had valued the support of a different friend who had showed up at a moments notice with coffee. Who had sent flowers just because and who had left several care packages at her door. My support, although quite frequently offered and required, seemed to pail in comparison. My friend never held this against me, or so much as said these are the things she had expected, but I could tell from the conversation how much more supported she had felt by this other friend.

I had another friend who left my life, because she felt I wasn’t there for her when her grandmother passed away. Truth be told, I didn’t know her grandmother had passed away, but that was of course, part of the problem. I had known how close she was to her grandmother, and I had known she was unwell, however I had failed to check in for updates on her health and how my friend was coping with the slow decline in health. She hadn’t felt cared for and supported. My lack of interest, probably due to being too absorbed in my own life, was the whole issue. I did not really know my own grandparents, and therefore didn’t really understand the gravity of the loss for my ex friend. My inability to relate, translated as an awkward silence as I didn’t really know what to say. That was a harsh lesson to learn, but ultimately, I did learn.

One of my dearest and closest friends recently had the misfortune of losing her mother. It was not so much a sudden passing, although the end is always jarringly sudden I suppose, but the result of a diagnosis in which a timeframe of expected life was given. Once again, I did not know what to say. Nothing I said could make this situation even a tiny bit better. Nothing I did had the power to change the outcome of the diagnosis. But while I knew that nothing I did or said mattered, doing nothing very much mattered. So I sent flowers, and I checked in regularly for updates and I offered whatever services I could, although none were heeded or needed. I told my friend that I didn’t really know what to say, but that I was there to listen to anything she had to say.

And so my friend could confide in me, about the struggles, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. She could talk about her sadness and her anger. Her frustration and her memories. She could talk about it, or not talk about it. We went out and had some fun, to distract her, or I would whittle on about my own, way less important problems just so she wasn’t carrying the heaviness for a moment. Then there were times when she would cry, and I would just sit with her and be there, offering a tissue and a shoulder. On the first Mother’s Day she faced alone, I sent her a video collage of her mum to a lovely song, and just said that I was thinking of her on this hard day.

When it was time for the funeral, I was there. I was one of the few people who weren’t a member of her direct family to attend. I hadn’t been sure if it was appropriate for me to attend, but I wanted to be there, just to show my support for her. So I talked to her about it, with a completely open mind. I knew there was every possibility that she would say it was only for family, and that was fine with me, but that if she wanted me there, if she thought it might help even the teeniest amount, that I would like to attend.

This wasn’t an easy decision for me, because this friend and I have a romantic history, so I knew her family well for a time… however, obviously when the relationship failed, I fell further out of favour… never having been their favourite person to begin with. I didn’t want to make my friend futher uncomfortable or make her family upset by my presence. I didn’t want her current partner to feel that I didn’t know my place. I didn’t want to cause her any more discomfort. So I didn’t really know what was the best thing to do.

I asked another friend of mine, who had recently experienced a few deaths in her own family, what she felt I should do. She told me that if it were her, she would want me to be there. Expect me to be there. Need me to be there. She asked what I would want, if I were in my friend’s unfortunate position and I too said of course I would want her to be there. That I would need the support of my nearest and dearest, and that definitely extended to my friends. I can’t say I would expect them to be there, only that I would like it if they were.

The friend that I turned to for advice, said she thought I should go, sit quietly at the back, and just show that I was there, as I had always been, and would always be. But under the circumstances, to discuss it with my friend who was arranging the funeral first, to see what she was comfortable with. So I did, and my friend said she hadn’t expected me to be there, but my presence would be very comforting and welcome.

So I showed up. While I offered to be of assistance, all I really did, was be there, hug my friend, tell her I loved her, hugged her son and her partner and sat quietly at the back. Afterwards, I reassured my friend she had organized a lovely service that did her mum justice. She told me my presence had made a difference, it was comforting and had made the day a little easier knowing she had someone in her corner, if she needed it.

That is the value in showing up. Even when it is uncomfortable or painful or when there are no words. Sometimes being there for a friend, literally just means being there. I’ll always be there for my friends, even if I am still learning the different ways they need me to show up. The important part is just showing up at all.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Power of Inclusion & Inclusive Language

I have written in the past about how exclusive friendships can sometimes leave others feeling, well, excluded. It was that line of thinking that got me questioning the whole best friends concept and started to make me uncomfortable with the idea of ranking one particular friend as higher than the others….. or ranking them at all. I wanted all my friends to feel that our friendship was important, exclusive or not, and that our closeness could not compare to the closeness of myself and my other friends. I mean, they say you can’t compare apples and oranges for a reason don’t they?

But this post is not about that kind of inclusion. This post is more about inclusion in life, in mind and heart. I have posted in the past about the power of the word “we” when supporting a friend through any sort of life hurdle and how our language matters. Simply saying “we are in this together” or “we will figure this out” helps a person feel that they are not alone, which can make all the difference.

So today I wanted to talk about the power of inclusive language in friendships, outside of the context of facing difficulties. My husband and I, technically formed a blended family. Meaning my son is not biologically his, having been conceived before him and I got together. For this reason, it makes my heart happy when I hear him refer to my son, as his own son, or our son. Because his language conveys his feelings in that he loves and accepts my son as his own, and sees us as a family, not a blended one. Under the same logic, if I were to refer to my son as “my son” and my daughter as “our daughter” that language would convey to my son, and to my husband that I do not see us as an equal family, and instead am focused heavily on the origins of the bonds which make very little difference to our day to day life. We don’t shy away from the fact that my husband is not my child’s biological father, and our son has always known the truth, but he still chooses to call my husband “dad.” This indicates to my husband that our son accepts and loves him as a father.

This example is why inclusive language matters. In the context of friendships however, I have found that inclusive language that means the most to me, is still those little words, “we” and “us.” I love it when a friend reaches out and says “I saw this show advertised, we should go.” Or when they say they have an amazing night planned for us. I prefer if a friend asks where we should go for dinner over being asked where I want to go for dinner. It isn’t about “me” – it is about “us.”

I love feeling like my friend has thought of me and included me in the plans for their future. They might be planning to move overseas, but they mention when I go to visit, we should do this or go there. I like feeling like a friend has included me in their life, for example, a friend who says “I thought we could walk the dogs first, drop something off to my mum, and then head to the theatre.” This shows that they are including me in their day to day plans and their schedule, and that I am important enough that they are comfortable having me around their family and pets and general life.

I adore it when a friend muses over what we will be like as little old ladies in the care home, or if our grandchildren will be close, because it shows they see me in their future and don’t imagine one without me in it. It makes my heart smile when they give me gifts that are experiences, anything from 2 cinema tickets and a promise we will use them together, to a staycation we will take because it tells me that they enjoy spending time together. It even makes me happy to hear that I appeared in their dreams, even if I was doing something radical. I enjoy it because it symbolizes that I was important to them, that I was on their mind and that I am a constant in their lives so their subconscious, or is it unconscious brain puts me in their visions.

I enjoy it when a friend sends a meme and says they thought of me, or they knew it would make me smile. I like knowing that I am in their thoughts. Or when they pick out the perfect gift and they show me that they are paying attention to the smaller details and they are in tune and fully engaged in our friendship and just as invested as I am. It makes me smile when a friend goes out of their way to drop something at my door or help me with a task, structuring their day with me in mind.

It brings a smile to my face when a friend asks me for advice because it shows they value my opinion and want to keep me informed of their choices, or if a friend asks me for help and demonstrates that they feel I am reliable. If they confide in me, it proves they feel I am trustworthy and our bond is strong. I like it when my friend calls, even when there is nothing much to say, or just to debrief on our days because I am “their person” that they call or talk to about their day.

Inclusive language and inclusive actions, serve to let the people you love about know that you care about them, see them as an important part of your life, see them in your future, notice the details and want to spend time with them. It helps them feel, well, included!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship; The Weakest Link or The Missing Link in Your Life.

My husband is not a particularly social man. He tells me he has strong bonds and connections with his work mates, however, seeing as he spends 12 hours a day, 6 days a week with them, he does not really feel the need to spend time hanging out with them in his free time. Which is fair enough really, he certainly spends more time with those people than he does with me! However, at the end of the year, they tend to arrange a drinks event at a local pub, and I notice how much happier he seems each year when he returns from these events.

I am a social person, and I couldn’t imagine not having my small circle of friends to spend time connecting with and spending time with. I always look forward to our time together, and most of the time I walk away feeling lighter, refreshed, happy and energized. I have considered that this is perhaps because I am not in the workforce, and as such time in the house alone with nobody to talk to, because my husband works such long hours, may play into this need for time with my friends. However, after speaking with a few friends that are in the workforce, they tell me they feel the exact same way. (I didn’t ask them, they offered this information themselves voluntarily in the course of natural conversation, so I know the sentiment is authentic.)

I have always maintained the ideal that friendship is the key to happiness, however my struggle with this comes from the reality in which we live, whereby partners and family take precedence and priority over friendships. While I see them as essential and strong links, in general, as much as I hate to admit it, friendship tends to be the weakest link. What I mean by this, is that time with friends is often thought of as leisurely, unproductive, unimportant and even selfish. Many of my friends have to make time for our catch up’s and most of the time that requires some sort of negotiation or justification to their family about how long they will be away for, and how they plan to still meet their responsibilities afterwards. It’s sad really that time with our friends has become a luxury many feel they just cannot afford time wise.

Some folks, like my husband, don’t subscribe to the idea that friendship is an important and invaluable aspect of human existence. They feel satisfied with those workplace connections, and enjoy spending the rest of their time with family or even being alone. Even I have come to appreciate some alone time here and there and do feel a bit stressed if I can’t fit some in each week. But then what happens if and when you change jobs… or your colleagues do?

This was the exact experience of a friend of mine, who began to feel restless, bored and unsettled at her long time workplace, as her trusted work friends all started dropping like flies in favour of different career paths or opportunities, or even parenthood. It quickly became evident to my friend that these workplace friendships were in fact what made the job satisfying and once those connections were lost, she no longer felt any ties there or any reason to stay. Nothing was holding her back, so she also left. However, the new office did not offer the same quick and easy friendly connections, and much of the work was actually work from home style. It took well over a year for my friend to find her feet at work for this reason, and still, only a few casual friendly connections have formed. Although they make a difference, it wasn’t until she immersed herself in her hobby, and found a newer, richer community that she finally felt stable and happy and satisfied again. Because she felt like she belonged somewhere and was wanted and welcomed within a group setting.

Interestingly,  this particular friend has a partner who is somewhat similar to my husband in that they also don’t really think of friendship as an essential connection in life, and they were happy enough with the crew at work. However, after some physical health setbacks, it was necessary to change from a more active workplace, with a more casual crew, to an office job, with a more formal feel. Despite the job offering a better salary, extra employee benefits, the opportunity to do some work from home and a fancy café in the office, my friends partner felt miserable there, and couldn’t quite understand why. By all accounts the job was better, but they missed their old workplace. They tried hobbies and a gym membership… when those didn’t fill the void, they seriously considered going back to their old employer and asking for their job back. However, before they could do that…. They made a friend.

This person had also started as a newbie around the same time, and so they were both seeking what was missing – a friend. And not satisfied with just workplace conversations, this new friend organized after work drinks, social dinners with the partners, participation in charity events, not to mention the stream of texts and memes that started to flow between them outside of the office. Suddenly, my friend noticed that her partner seemed happier, more alive, excited and lighter. Although they had not acknowledged the importance of friendship, the proof was clearly in the pudding.

Maybe my husband doesn’t see the value in these friendships because you can’t miss what you don’t know! And maybe, given that he spends the vast majority of his waking hours at work, the connections he forms there are enough to satisfy him. But for most of us, I really think that we would be much happier if we stopped treating friendships like the weakest link and instead valued them as the missing link. The society we live in is moving away from social connections, but we, as individuals, can change that, by understanding that there is no replacement for that in person, face to face friendship, and start valuing health and happiness as much as we value wealth and worthiness.

Friendship is the link that ties us all together. If your chain is broken, phone a friend and see if you can’t fix that, and see what else suddenly feels better as a result?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Does Quantity of Time Spent Equal Quality of Time Spent?

My love language is quality time, particularly when it comes to platonic pairings. If I like someone, then of course I want to see them often and spend time. This can be problematic in today’s world, with everyone being so busy…. Time is often the one thing nobody has much of to offer. This can be painful for people like me, as it is easy to tell yourself that if you were important to the other person, that they would make time for you. People do prioritise what matters most to them, after all.

What can be tricky for us quality time folk, is that we often create or imagine obstacles which don’t need to be obstacles, and see slights where none were intended. Using experiences from my own life, for example; when I have movie plans with someone, and they ask me to meet them at the cinema, I find myself disappointed and thinking that meeting there indicates that my friend is in a hurry to leave after the film, while I always hope there will be a coffee and a chat before or after. Even better if it is both. When it appears that I am keener to spend time with them than they are with me…. Because I have typically been the one to make the plans in the first place, I find I start imagining that my friend only said yes to appease me, and can’t wait to get away from me. Or they were only interested in the film or meal and not time with me.

I understand that rationally this is far fetched, and that this line of thinking is damaging myself. I know that these are insecurities more than realities. But, that doesn’t make it feel any less real. If you are the person who always initiates contact, and the one who always makes the plans, and then the one feeling like you are an inconvenience to someone’s busy life, it would make sense that you might start to pull away from people and jump to conclusions that these sorts of people are really not interested in friendships with you.

So, sometimes it helps to remind myself that my feelings stem from my thoughts, not from their actions, and to challenge those thoughts. If you struggle with this too, then I thought this post exploring the reasons people might not have as much time to offer may help you as much as they help me.

I feel happiest with a group of 5 friends. There is enough variety in the mix to meet all my needs, and not so many that we can’t spend the time and share a close intimate connection. I am relatively social, so this probably makes me an extroverted introvert. However, some of my friends are introverted introverts. They like spending time alone. While I walk away from time together feeling happy and energised, they feel a bit drained and needing to retreat to the comfort of home. This is not because I am draining, but because time with others drains them. So a 2 hour movie, adds up to three hours with travel time and that is all they can manage before they need to recharge themselves. Making it about me only hurts these friends, and our friendships. Expecting more energy than they have to give is like wondering why you can’t get blood out of a stone. They may have the time, just not the energy or the inclination. With these friends, I need to be mindful not to ask too often, and to be really happy when they  do agree to plans, knowing that it isn’t something they afford everyone.

Some of my friends are extroverted extroverts. They love being busy, being social and having a much wider circle of friends and family than me. So it is highly likely that they like to drive themselves because after the movie, they are meeting someone else for a coffee, and then someone else for dinner, and someone else after that for cocktails! When you consider that a weekend, which is prime social time, is only 48 hours, and then account for the hours of sleep and domestic duties, is it any wonder they only have a few hours to spare per friend? Asking them to spend more time with me, not only drains them, but it also takes away from their other connections. With these friends I have to remind myself I am lucky such a popular social butterfly fit me into their schedule at all, and be sure to know that it is all about everyone, not just me.

The next factor impacting many of my friendships is time commitments. I have the luxury of not working, and I am not studying and my children are now teenagers who are exploring independence more and more each day. My parents, while ageing, are in good health and not requiring care. Touch wood. This means that I have more time to spend than the average person. It does mean I have higher social needs, but it also means I need to be understanding that some of my friends work full time, are caring for young kids or elderly parents, have large families and may be undertaking study or side gigs on top of all of that. I have time to sit and ponder if they are trying to get away from me, while they barely have time to ponder the film we just saw. Like the exampple above, these friends are just really busy. With life, with family, with commitments. A movie is exactly what they want, and maybe even what they need to escape life for a moment, but then they have to get back to the daily grind. With these friends, I need to know that they are so grateful for the invitation, because they don’t make much time for themselves, but they actually feel a bit guilty for taking time out from everything else for something as indulgent as a movie with a friend, and couldn’t possibly justify the extra hour for a coffee… to themselves or the people depending on them. It isn’t about me. They actually love that I force them to take a break. But that break has to be short.

Some of my friends just don’t value friendships the ways that I do. They don’t find frequent contact, time together, or conversation a necessary element of friendships. For them, simply liking one another, is enough. It’s not that they wont come to a movie, but if they do, they don’t find the after coffee necessary and it doesn’t even occur to them to extend the time together, regardless of if they have the time, or not. They saw me, saw a movie, and ticked both things off their list. It’s not that they don’t like me, or want to spend time with me personally.

In all these cases, my friend is probably treating all their friends in a similar manner – I am no more or less special than anyone else. I am imagining that they don’t want to spend time with me and viewing the short and impersonal nature of the catch up as a slight or an obstacle. I am telling myself they don’t like me because they don’t initiate plans and don’t stay long, but if that were true in all likelihood they wold refuse my invitation.

While I adore my long lingering catch ups with friends who are on the same page and do have the time to spare me, I must remember that having time and making time are quite different. My friends who have different needs or circumstances value me enough to make the time, and I should treat it as valuable, because they have so little, and chose to spend it with me. I should really see this as evidence that they DO like me and DO want to spend time. Which feels way better. So why on earth do I torture myself with negativity? I don’t know, but I do want to change it, and I am trying.

Hopefully if you can relate to my struggles, this post will help you too! The quantity of time spent is not indicative of quality of time spent. The onus is on me to make sure any quantity of time, is quality time, because that is my need and it is my job to ensure it is met.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don't be a chosen one, choose for yourself.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post called “do you actually always like your friends? Do they actually always like you?” where I pondered the fact that we can sometimes have conflicting feelings bout even our closest friends, because there are always going to be things we don’t like about them despite all the things we do like. Then last week I posted “fanning the flames of friendship fires too fiercely” which likened meeting a new friend to dating, as we try our best to impress one another and find fun friendship dates to go on.

This week, in line with those 2 lines of thought, I wanted to talk about meeting new friends in a similar way to dating too. I don’t mean on friendship websites, although I am happy for you to go ahead and try this avenue. I hope you have better luck than I had when I tried it. What I do mean though, is making sure you don’t just get swept up in someone liking you, and then just going with the flow.

All too often we are so flattered by the attention of a new friend who comes on strong and we feel so validated to be liked and chosen as a friend that perhaps we forget to sit back and ask ourselves if we actually return the feelings. It is easy to tell yourself you like someone, when in reality, you liked the fact that they liked you enough to pursue you and you liked the way being sought after and wanted made you feel.

That’s of course why last weeks message to take things slowly with new people is important, because you can’t always know straight away if you like someone, on the basis that you can’t know someone fully straight away. But more than that, we can’t know if we like them without actively asking ourselves if we do like them. Not only that, but qualifying what we do like about them specifically, besides the fact that they seem to like us!

We aren’t all susceptible to being caught up in this rush however. Some people, usually with lower self esteem, will question the motives of anyone who comes on a bit too strong and it can actually trigger your more avoidant side. These types of people are skeptical and cautious and could potentially miss out on a good opportunity for connection because they also haven’t stopped to question if they like this new person, and if not, what specifically do they dislike?

There are also times when you meet someone perfectly nice, but for some reason, your intuition is niggling at you not to engage. This is different to the scenario above, on the basis that it isn’t because they like you that you’re suspicious, but moreso something about them isn’t lining up with you. Maybe something they said about themselves didn’t align with how they acted, for example. It might only be in small ways, like perhaps they said they lack confidence but then you see them acting in ways which  you don’t associate with low confidence. It isn’t your place to tell them how they feel or how confident they are or aren’t – but it doesn’t sit right with you. Even if they just have low self awareness, maybe that is something you find off putting and it is ok if you do.

I once had a new friend who mentioned in casual conversation that she preferred to be friends with people who had less confidence, as they were nicer people and would do more for her, to work harder to keep the friendship. This changed the way I saw her, and made me feel more like her target than her friend, but it also made me more cautious of her motivations and not doing too much for her. That was intuition kicking in and you wont be surprised to learn that the friendship didn’t last very long. Because I listened to my intuition. And directly to what she was telling me she expected from friendship with didn’t align well with my own ideals around the concept.

Not to say this person, or any new friend is bad or toxic or anything else overly negative. Sure, some people are, but most are harmless and think of themselves as good people. Yet, even though most people are good, we are not friends with most people. It is only a select few to whom we give our time and attention and let into our inner worlds. Therefore it seems prudent to be particularly mindful and intentional about who we think is the best man for the job, as the case may be.

https://www.instagram.com/dating.intentionally/p/C24-zquLQbT/?img_index=1

The people who often come in hot pursuit of you are often, not always, but often the types who lack boundaries, and this can catch you so off guard that you forget your own. And, just like with dating, the chemistry can make you a little bit high and therefore not in the best position to judge immediately. We should really have a stage for friendship, similar to dating. Fating? That stage where you are getting to know someone, but you are not exclusive to them, you are careful and a little guarded about sharing too much and you can be excited about them without defining the relationship as a friendship too quickly!

In one of the previous posts I likened making new friends to fishing, and I think sometimes we get so excited we don’t stop to ask ourselves if we are the fish or the baited? Unlike fish however, we do have the ability to free ourselves from the line before it is too late, or the speed at which we are reeled in. We get to decide just as much as the fisherman if we want to be caught, if we think it is a good match, and not only if we can meet their needs and expectations, but if they can meet our own. The best part of this is that it doesn’t have to be a big deal if you realise soon enough that you don’t want to be on the line any longer, because there are always plenty more fish in the sea!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fanning the Flames of Friendship Fires too Fiercely

Friendship can be quite like dating in that you meet someone and you feel excited about them and you feel that spark or chemistry. You want to see them again and talk to them again and just get to know them more. You genuinely enjoy their company and find that you are thinking about them or things they mentioned and you might even wonder if they are also thinking about you.

There’s nothing quite as validating as feeling chosen by a new person and the energy new connections bring. Similar to dating you might find yourself actively looking for activities or events you could suggest just for an excuse to see them again or wishing the time away until next weeks spin class if that is where you met them for example. It wouldn’t even be uncommon to be making sure you look extra cute that day even if you are not interested in them as anything more than a friend. Because we do care what people think, particularly when we think highly of them… so taking your new water bottle instead of the old faded one and then questioning if it was too obvious and laughing to yourself about how nervous you are and how stupid it is would not surprise me at all.

The problem with sparks is that they start fires. And fires burn out and often burn people along the way. So while it may feel harmless, or good even, to start landing in each other’s inbox incessantly each day, I would like to warn you to make sure it  is a controlled burn. The reason for this is because it takes time to get to know people. You have to know them in a variety of settings before you see all sides of them. Added to which – at first they will be on their best behaviour too initially. You didn’t think her hair was naturally wavy did you? That messy bun was carefully constructed just for you!

Until you have known someone a while, you don’t really know what kind of person they are or if your values align or even if you are compatible. You might find you get close to someone quickly only to cotton on later that they are flakey or dishonest. You might get quite attached and involved before you realise that your religious or political views are opposing. You might not have had time to understand if they really listen or if they have annoying habits like interrupting or always turning the conversations back to themselves.

Once the fire is burning it can be quite difficult to take a step back if you decide you want to, without them noticing the water you are throwing on the flames. Whereas if you ease in, you can just as easily ease out should you start learning things about each other that might be cause for concern.

Those initial sparks and chemistry can cause rose coloured glasses syndrome. This means you can’t see the red flags, and you aren’t looking for them anyway and you really don’t want to see those imperfections. You really hope they don’t see yours either. Yet we all have imperfections – it is just that we take time to trust people enough to expose them. Which is why we also need to take our time getting to know each other before investing too heavily in time, efforts and emotions.

Starting slowly allows you to observe them and make judgements based on what they do, not just what they tell you they do. It also gives you the space to understand how the things you observe about them fit in with your life and how they will impact you. Do you notice that they always suggest a glass of wine, whether you are at a bar, at home, or at an event? How does that sit with you? Does it align with you or do you tend to drink tea or coffee at home socially? Do they notice that you always answer when your kids call and drop everything to go and help them. Will this annoy your new friend eventually or make them feel unimportant to you?

Have you bonded over a situation that might be temporary? For example if are you both newly divorced, perhaps one will begin dating and moving forward again much sooner than the other and you might not have talking about the exes in common anymore. Have you seen how they interact with other people or wait staff or people from diverse backgrounds? Or under stress? Have you understood their expectations of you as a friend? Are they the sort to ask for lots of favours, to borrow money or for you to drive them lots of places?

I suppose what I am saying is that chemistry often leads people to forget their boundaries, and boundaries are better maintained from the beginning than suddenly introduced later, when they start to feel like barriers. If you always welcomed their calls at all hours of the day initially they might not understand when you start to find it intrusive and that can make it hard for you to ask them not to call as often. So it is better not to start something before you know what you are getting into and what you can handle is all I am saying.

They say only fools rush in for a reason. I have played the friendship fool in the past, as I am sure we all have at one stage or another. I have misjudged people early on and had trouble extracting myself eloquently from the entanglements and also have had people misjudge me and get too close for their own comfort, which often leads to heartbreak. Quicksand is quick for a reason. Don’t get stuck in it. Find your footing as you take each step carefully and consistently with consideration.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mums are more than mates

Each year around Mother’s Day, (which is this Sunday if you didn’t know) I try and dedicate a post to my lovely mother – the only person I can say is a best friend forever rather than for never! It’s a lovely sentiment and it feels true. But honestly, my mum knows she isn’t my best friend. Sorry Mum! What I’m not sure that she does understand is that she is SO MUCH MORE than a best friend.

I have posted in the past about the fact that I don’t believe friends are the family you choose for yourself, and in that post I highlighted all the ways that friendships can sometimes be better than family. The gist of it was that friends are less invested, and so sometimes that means you can more freely be yourself with them and speak your truth without fearing reprimand. I stand by it. There are definitely things I discuss with friends I don’t discuss with my mother, and I am certain we both prefer it this way.

However, this post looks to highlight all the ways in which a mother is so much more and often so much better than a best friend. There are so many ways in which we can rely on and turn to our mothers that we probably wouldn’t dream of burdening our friends with. Using examples from my own life, this list includes:

Asking, and expecting to a degree that my mother watch my son while I was away on my honeymoon for a week. Accepting generous offers from her to pay for aspects of my wedding, financial aid when my husband was out of work and we struggled to pay his car loan, and living in their rental property for a subsidized rate until we could eventually buy it from them for below market value. Showing up at her house with our bags unannounced when we had to evacuate our place due to nearby fires. Having her by my side at the birthing classes when my son’s father neglected to show up and having her catch my son when he came into this world. The pure love on her face as she held him for the first time.

These are all ways I have depended on my mother in ways I would never ask nor expect a friend to support me. But it’s not just that kind of support mothers offer either. Mother’s are there even when you have been a bad friend to them. If you haven’t called or seen them for a while, they are gracious and joyous when they hear your voice. When you have been too busy, they understand. When you need help, they step in and when you need advice you know she only has the best of intentions for you in mind when she offers it.

My mother is the only friend I have who would probably step infront of a bus to save me, and the one I would be most likely to do the same for. She is one of the few people I feel I could not cope without, and the one I feel luckiest to still have in my life despite everything. She is the person I feel sees me the most – she knows if I look tired or if I am acting quiet or out of character. She knows if my eyes look heavy or if my naturally rosy cheeks are flushed. She knows if my voice sounds off or if I am not ok without a word.

To be honest, she is probably more in tune with me than I am with her. I might miss these subtle hints that she is not ok whereas she never fails to see things in me, often before I see them myself. And this is because she has known me my whole life whereas I have only known her for the portion of her life that made her my mother. I do not really fully understand the whole of her as a woman, as it is so tainted as her role as my mother. She is so much more than this and yet I have failed to really see and know her on the level her peers probably do. Such is the order of life I suppose.

But the beauty in this is that I see it. And I am blessed with the time to do something about it. So my mothers day gift to my mother this year is to try harder to get to know her as a woman, outside of being my mother or my father’s wife. To understand what made her the woman she is today. What memories she treasures most about her life and what lessons she took from life that she wants me to hold. What wisdom she has gained, and what was bestowed upon her by her own elders. What her hopes and dreams for her life were and if she feels she fulfilled them. What hopes and dreams she still has for her life now.

I look forward to putting the higherarchy of our pairing aside somewhat and knowing her more as she knows herself and as she wants to be known and remembered. However that higerarchy exists for good reason. She would not be expecting her friends to feed and bathe her in old age, whereas it would be a given that my love for her would extend to these acts of caring for her to repay her for my own care all the times of my life I have needed it.

As she is my mother, and I cannot and would not change it, I still care and seek her approval. I wonder if she likes my hair. I care if she says I look nice in my outfit (and I believe her as opposed to friends who are socially conditioned to be polite) and I might omit details from stories I tell her if I think she wont approve; like the prices of things for example. And she is the only friend who can demand I cover my son’s school logo on social media when he is 16 and I am long past being scared that anyone is looking to kidnap my 6 foot 2 bearded baby. Although I don’t want to change it, she is my mum, I have to listen and do what I am told. No other friend wields such power!

This post goes out to my lovely mother, my friend in many ways, but something so much more intimate and profound and special than a “Friend” or even a “best friend.” Although I look forward to growing our friendship much more this year, you will never be my best friend and I am so glad you won’t. They come and go. You and I are forever. My closest friends have a piece of my heart, but I love you with every piece of it. Always.

Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. I love you.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever

Missy
xx

Let Friends Go So Your Friendships Can Grow

There have definitely been times in my life when I have felt a friend pulling away from me. Times when I felt the distance growing  between us painfully slowly and either tried to hold on to that friend tightly and demand time, attention and explanations or times when I took the distance so personally that it felt less painful to let them go than to tolerate the distance growing.

I wont lie, to this day, 8 years after I started this blog, I still occasionally revert to old patterns of thinking and have to catch myself quickly before I cause the ending I fear. Because dear readers, both holding on too tightly to a friend, and letting them go will usually end up in an ending. One instigated by them and the other by you. Neither feels good. And both leave you wondering if you could or should have acted differently to reach a friendlier outcome.

The answer to this is typically yes, you could have acted differently, but you didn’t, and it is much harder to recover from this. Prevention is better than cure and all that jazz. One of my most popular posts was “what to do when a friend is pushing you away” for a reason. That reason is because we DO feel it when space is growing between friends. We do notice when changes happen and we do feel pain over it. This is especially true when we ourselves were happy with the way things were or are the types of people who feel anxious around changes in general.

I understand that letting go of someone you want to hold on to feels counterintuitive and I understand that when you feel this way it feels more like your friend is actively putting space between you to get away from you quietly rather than “growing apart” which implies a more mutual growth in separate directions. However, in my experiences, once time has allowed perspective to settle it is often the case that my friends lives were growing and changing and they weren’t actively trying to push me away as much as they were investing their energy in different things.

I don’t like to accept that for many people friendship is the lowest rung on the relationship scale, but whether I like to accept it or not, doesn’t make it any less true. It does mean I am better suited to fostering friendships with others who also value friendships as much as I do, on the basis that I have the time and energy to do so. But even when I find those people, time and life changes peoples priorities all the time, as I discussed in a recent post “Phases and Stages, Changes and Chapters” which aims to point out that even things we feel are certainties can change in an instant and it is often outside of anyone’s control.

Which is why I often need to take my own advice, take a step back, and decide that in order to hold on to the friendship, I need to find ways to let go of my friend and let them grow away from me. This is not always easy, and it does often hurt. But there are probably friends who have endured this pain for me too, as I have grown in different directions over the years too, and I am grateful that they allowed me some grace and some space to live my life even when it meant there was less time and energy coming their way as a result.

Perhaps this is even the essence of friendship? I have never been a fan of those memes that say things like low maintenance friends are the best. I don’t agree; as it doesn’t fit my life or my circumstances. But I can see why it does for some super busy people who have little time for friendship and both feel grateful they give and accept less without insult. Good for them. For me, with a smaller family circle and as someone who is not in the paid workforce, if I only had friends with no time or energy I would be very lonely. However, when I have a wider network and an array of friends to meet my needs, it is easier to still enjoy the friends with much less to offer and not necessarily have it mean that we are not as close.

However, when a close friend, or someone you spend a lot of time with, starts growing away from you, it DOES leave a bit of a hole in your own life, and it is natural that you notice that! What isn’t helpful is telling yourself that you need this specific person to fill that hole. That isn’t their job. That is your job. Added to which it is also your job to support your friends growth even when it takes them away from you.

The good news is that you don’t even need to make a new friend to fill the void your old friend left. You might have other friends you could start seeing more to meet the need, or, you might take up a new hobby. New hobbies often lead to new connections and even if they don’t, if you are passionate about it you will enjoy time spent on this next venture instead of sitting around missing your friend, wondering what you did to upset them (when you didn’t do anything, it isn’t about you) and being angry and resentful that they don’t miss you. (Firstly, they probably do miss you and wish they could have more time together and secondly if they don’t it’s probably because their own mind is engaged elsewhere on more urgent or exciting things.)

Bring Me The Horizon “Teardrops”

If you feel distance creeping in between yourself and a good friend, let your hurt and anger and resentment go if you want to keep your friendship. Acknowledge that your friend is growing, their life is growing and you should be supporting them through this growth and exploring ways in which your own life will grow as a result. Allow them the grace not to take it personally, not to take issue and to make sure you value what they still have to offer.

Don’t make my mistakes and try to hold on tighter. To ask pressing questions about why they are withdrawing and to burden them with heaviness that you miss them terribly and make them feel weighed down and obligated to you. Because if people feel unable to grow with you, or that you are unable to accept their growth, they will detach from you completely. If they or you detach completely; the friendship is over. If you are able to allow them the space the friendship stays intact. It does change, you may be or feel less close, but it is nicer to be able to catch up with them every so often without animosity than have to avoid them in the local shops forever.

I suppose it is called maturity. Accepting things as they are even if you wish they were different. And knowing that although it hurts, it’s going to be ok. Actually it’s going to be better than ok. You are going to be close to other people in your lifetime and this will be just a memory. You are going to be happy eventually, with or without this friend. How long you suffer depends entirely on how long you see the closed door as opposed to looking for the open window.

Let your friends go, so your friendships can grow.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Casual Vs Close Connections

I know someone who complains that they feel they have no friends. This is despite the various clubs they are involved, and all their volunteer work. Maybe this is because no matter how many casual friends you have, if none of them feel close, the emptiness echoes a little louder as we feel unseen, uncared for and unknown. Unheard. However, this is despite the long phone calls they receive from family and friends, and it is despite their weekly drinks with a group of regulars, one of whom they have shared hobbies with and travelled with for half their lives. Yet they still feels they don’t have any real friends.

I certainly hope this feeling that they have no friends is not one they verbalise around that particular person – as they would be right to ask “what am I then?  A hat full of arseholes?” But then again, on the other hand, it might just force this person to challenge their idea that they have no friends in the first place and how people who consider themselves friends might feel about the sentiment.

The real question is WHY does this feeling persist when the evidence points to social connections left right and centre? I think it is because many of these friends are casual friends and while lots of them take up your time, they don’t always take up your energy. I think what they’re really missing and longing for is a “best friend”. Those connections from our youth where the feelings are mutual - or at least, you are young and naïve enough not to question this.

I do think this person had close friends as a youngster. As a part of a sporting team, their childhood memories seem to revolve heavily around fond moments with the team mates and a sense of sadness that those times passed so quickly before people marched on towards marriage and children and responsibilities. The difference they seem to feel between the friendships they had as a younger person and those they hold as an older one appears to be reciprocity.

Back when they were a star player of the team, they felt valued and validated by their mates. The team members sought out their company and they felt welcomed and celebrated amongst them. In adulthood they report feeling as though they aren’t valued and validated. That the people they might have considered best or close friends don’t feel the same way about them weighs heavily on their shoulders.

This brings me to wonder what it is that makes a friend feel close or reciprocal? It would seem to be that actions speak louder than words in this scenario. I think this person longs for that friend who has 2 tickets to a show, and instantly thinks of asking them to go along as a first preference. And for this person to also feel welcome to make the same assumption in return when it is their turn to hold a spare ticket. Someone who thinks of them when they have a free night off and invites them for a drink or a game of cards. Someone, who, when they are going through something, thinks of them as the person to call and talk to about it. Someone they could comfortably also feel safe to call in turn.

There is nothing inherently wrong with desiring this level of closeness with a friend; being that humans are social creatures and essentially pack animals. The feeling of belonging is tied into feelings of worthiness and security. Unfortunately this also means we are triggered by fears of rejection too and maybe even sense rejection when it wasn’t intended as a defense mechanism? So when this person learns that their friend went out to lunch with someone else and didn’t invite them, that may lead to feelings of rejection, inferiority and insecurity that they like the person they did invite more.

The problem with those feelings, apart from the fact that they are usually largely fantasy, is that it becomes hard to say “Oh, that sounds good. I’d love to come next time if you’re going again sometime. I’ve been wanting to try that place.” Because if you’re taking the rejection too personally it is easy to convince yourself that they specifically didn’t want you there as opposed to the more likely thing that they just didn’t think to invite you.

Now, of course, not being thought of is part of the bigger issue. Because it is easy to assume that if people liked you enough they would be thinking of you and would want to invite you to all and sundry. But life just isn’t like that and you have to allow people grace. If they really hadn’t wanted you along then they probably would never have mentioned it in the first place. If you think the people you are surrounding yourself with are deliberately trying to make you feel rejected and left out then it is time to surround yourself with new people! However the chances are, that you know they didn’t mean to hurt you and if that is true then they also didn’t mean to exclude you.

This person’s partner is a bit of a social butterfly, and I think it upsets them by comparison that their partner easily makes friends who seem to pop in and call and make impromptu invitations all the time while they don’t have that for themselves. To be fair, their partner is also not an initiator. They are kind and funny and open and a brilliant listener which is a really big asset in friendships. So their partner just finds people who like to talk and they like to listen and; hey presto, look who’s the new flavour of the month?! That said, when they’re at a loss, those same people are unlikely to be available at a moments notice and are not always as caring and concerned in return. I think this person fails to notice their partner’s friendships also lack reciprocity because of the regularity of contact and the appearance of being sought after.

Male and female friendships are a bit different. Male friendships tend to focus around activities and so there is pressure to be a good player or a widely handy or knowledgeable etc…. to be valued. However what is the star of the group without the other teammates to look up to him? Perhaps we need to stop and see the value in being one of the team rather than the star? Although there will still be the star of every group, it is often more about the company, the game, and the enjoyment. An excuse to get together and play.

The real problem my these types of people face appears to be a lack of vulnerability. They both want those friends who make you feel amazing when they pick you and start calling and making invitations. The ones confident enough to make the first move. Confidence is attractive after all, even in platonic pairings. And feeling chosen makes a person feel valued. But if you want that feeling, maybe others want it too? Maybe someone has to go first. To make the first invitation. To be the first to express feelings or thoughts or troubles and open up? To be that excited one about someone else and see if it sparks.

To be prepared to approach a stranger and strike up a conversation or see an opening and invite people over for dinner, then to be patient and see what friendships spark and not take the ones that don’t so personally.

They do say in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. While some of us are good at reciprocating and see that as a love language, others appreciate feeling chosen first sometimes too. And the best part about choosing rather than being chosen is that you don’t have to choose anyone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate. You just have to be brave enough to cast your line and see what bites. Just like fish, some will swim by, some will take the bait but free themselves before you can reel them in and some will need to be thrown back in. But a rare few will be keepers and you wont give a second thought to the ones you didn’t catch, and you wont give up after one quiet attempt. Teach a man to fish and all that….. Not to mention there’s always literally plenty more friendship fish in the sea!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Casual Friendships; Friendly but not friends?

What does the word friendship mean to you? What springs to mind when you think of a friend? For me, I tend to think of close friends. The ones I laugh with, cry with and vent to. The ones I share personal details with, and the ones I share the ins and outs of daily life with. However, that image doesn’t fit with everyone in my life I call a friend.

I know there are acquaintances, like for example the admin lady at the kids school or the friend of a friend to whom I might stop at say hello to at the shops but with whom I share no real friendship. But if I were with my husband and I was to run into one of these people I would introduce them in terms of how I knew them. For example I might say “this is Kate, she works in admin at the kids school.” I would not introduce or describe them as a friend, unless I was saying this person was a friend of my friend. It would seem impolite to use the word acquaintance even though it would fit the nature of the relationship.

But sometimes there is a degree of separation between an acquaintance and a casual friend. These people almost fit 2 categories, or are somewhere on the borderline between both. Take my hairdresser for example. I am her client, and as such it would be fair to use the word acquaintance. However, as my hair appointments take hours and we discuss personal details of our lives, it feels too formal for this relationship. We text outside of my appointments about things nothing to do with hair. However, as we don’t spend time together outside the salon…. The word friend also seems too deep and inaccurate.

Maybe that is because the relationship could go either way. It could blossom into something deeper over time where we do begin to spend time on a personal level outside a business setting. Or our communication outside the salon could fizzle and we could remain acquaintances – me her client and her my service provider. Although I like her and she appears to like me, I would call us friendly more than friends.

A close friend of mine was also recently commenting on the volunteer group she is a member of and how she enjoys being part of the team, and the friendly and caring nature of the people within it… yet there seems no interest in growing these connections into friendships beyond the concept of the group. So she was confused, and forced to question her perception of these people… or of her perception about friendships and what constitutes them in the first place.

In discussing this we came to the conclusion that perhaps both scenarios were what you would call casual friendships. That perhaps the word friend is the catchall and the word before it is the determining factor? Although the word friend on its own can mean exactly that. This person is my friend. I like them and see them socially, however we are not particularly close nor are we family or romantic in nature. So perhaps there is some sort of sub categorical system that is only acknowledged at the top tiers.

We refer to best friends and or close friends as categories, but perhaps friend itself is a category and below that is casual friend followed by acquaintance? And perhaps it is ok, important even, to have friends across the whole range of categories, because people grow and change. Somoene who was once a best friend may gradually reduce back to a casual one and someone who starts as a casual one may oneday grow into a close or best friend when the timing is right.

The key is not to try and push or force them into places they don’t quite fit and just see where things naturally evolve to. Not everyone who has potential to become close will, and not everyone who seems stand offish will stay that way. So just accepting and welcoming people from all the tiers seems like a valuable investment, enjoying each for the small or big pleasures they bring. It’s important to be patient, but also to not expect everyone to be interested in growing the connection further and not taking this personally or to mean that they don’t like you enough to be a friend.

Your casual friends probably already have quite a full circle and aren’t necessarily looking to take on more right now, although that could change for any number of reasons. Or, like my hairdresser in the above example, maybe we feel freer to discuss personal topics BECAUSE we aren’t friends as such? Because there is a degree of separation. It is usually wiser to get to know people personally a little slower; so maybe if we had intended on being friends in a real sense of the word we would have shared more carefully? That’s not to say it couldn’t work, who knows, just that it’s wise not to make assumptions that it will or should become more.

So casual friends have their place and their purpose…. Next week we will explore if having only casual friends is enough, and how one person can feel the friendship is on a different tier level than the other person…. Maybe even how to actively try and grow a casual friend into a closer one.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Phases and Stages, Changes and Chapters.

We are all, always, in a state of flux. Our lives, however incrementally, are always changing and evolving through different stages and phases. Things that seem like unchangeable facts are less solid than we think, as life continues to take us where it will. In many ways we know this, right? Especially in reference to ourselves.

I don’t mean phases as in the rapper phase I went through as a teenager either, I just mean periods of time where things in life define us, until they change. Like, 10 years ago, I was the mother of young children, whereas now I am the mother of teenagers. For a long while I was a student, then I worked full time, currently I am a stay at home parent. I say currently not because I have any plans to return to work, or study, nor because I am under any delusions that my blog is going to one day throw me into the limelight of fame. I simply say currently, because I have no idea what the future holds, and none of us really do.

The thing I have been less aware of, is that my friends are also in their own phases and stages, and this is particularly true when I meet them and bond and get to know them. One friend I met freshly divorced, and I got to know the single version of her who valued friendships much more than the coupled version of her did. So I felt slighted when she fell back in love, remarried and didn’t have as much time or space for me as a friend in her life. It felt like she had changed; but the truth was that I hadn’t known her in a relationship phase, nor acknowledged that this was a phase and likely to change!

Another friend I met and got close to in a period of her life when there was somewhat of a rift in her family, and I didn’t know she was clinging to me for the safety and security of belonging. I welcomed her into our family with open arms, unconcerned at the oddness of the situation to others. Then, as the years passed, her family grew, and as it grew, it healed slowly. They became closer again and I watched my friend slowly forget us as her surrogate family as she was once again a part of her own. I don’t begrudge her this, I am happy for her as I see how happy family makes her. But I wont say it didn’t hurt to feel forgotten and cast aside as the now useless placeholders. I wouldn’t change it, but I still didn’t know, when I met her.

Other friends I met when they were married, and sadly, some of those marriages failed. Some friendships grew stronger and some grew apart as a result. Nobody knew they were going to get divorced; it didn’t seem or feel like a phase….. but when their lives changed, our friendships changed. Which also happened with some friends I picked up along the way because they were the parents of my friends kids…. But when the kids grew apart, or fell out, the friendships with the parents naturally faded too.

So sometimes what feels like a sudden change in a friend, really is just a new chapter of their lives starting. We forget that the stories didn’t begin when we met, although our chapters in each others lives did. But the story is bigger than us, we are merely characters in a much bigger storyline. We think we know someone, and then we think that they have changed into someone we don’t know, or in some cases, don’t like. But the truth is, we are all constantly in a state of flux. People marry, divorce, move, retire, start new jobs, die, get sick, have babies and all sorts of other things that impact them.

Maybe stressors made them become less patient, or commitments started eating up all their time, or illness made them withdraw, or a new home or job introduced them to new people in a new world…… but whatever the reason for these changes, it is very seldom about you at all. That is not to say it doesn’t impact you. If you read my blog, it does. It hurts when people change, and we can even feel attacked to a degree. But sometimes it hurts because we make it personal. We wonder what we did to upset them. Or what we could do to fix the problem. Or if we were so meaningless to them that they could easily forget about us or let us go.

You know what’s ironic? If the situation was reversed, they would probably feel the exact same way as you do now. The good news about that is this means it is a totally valid and normal thought process. The fact you feel sadness and loss over changes only serves to prove that there was love there because grief is just love with nowhere to go. It has nowhere to go because where you were putting it has changed. There isn’t room for it there anymore and that feels sad.

While I think it is important to feel that sadness and just sit with it until it passes, blaming yourself is not only pointless, it is also small minded. You can’t see the woods for the trees. We are all chapter’s in someone else’s book, just as they are in our own. But none of us are really actually writing the story or in complete control of how the pages are filled and when the chapters end.

When I think back to the friend who was freshly divorced; I notice I too was going through a break up of sorts from a core group friendship and she was there for me, giving me a place to put that love and we helped each other heal from 2 separate heartbreaks. The friend who became part of our family still has a welcome space at our table anytime even if she doesn’t use it. She came into my life at a time I was struggling with young kids and she helped me raise them to the teenagers they are today. They say little things she says, she is part of them, and it makes me smile. I needed her at that time in my life and my kids wouldn’t be who, or where they are today without her.

Two of the people who divorced and became closer as a result are 2 of the most dependable friends I have. One feeds my cat when I am away, twice a day and I never have to worry that she will forget. I trust her. The other is the one from my post a little while ago about dirty laundry, without whom life would be infinitely harder right now. I am so grateful these changes brought us together, but I know their stories continue to be written and my time or place may be written differently tomorrow. I am still grateful for today.

I even felt a bit lost when my hairdresser left the salon and disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure, I only saw her in the salon, but we built a bond there, and I was sad to lose it. I had to trust someone new with my hair and it scared me. But it eventually led me to my new hairdresser, who I love and trust just as much as the old one. I can still miss one while being grateful her departure brought me to another.

Friendship is a bit like that. The faces, and places change, but the feelings stay the same and when one door closes, another door or window opens. Eventually you will find it, you will love again and you will not always be sad that things had to change. Because you will grow tall enough to see the bigger picture and read the beautiful stories of the people you love, and have loved in the past and realise they didn’t want to leave you or lose you, it just kinda happened somehow.

We aren’t phases in people’s lives, but we are chapters within phases that are seemingly unrelated but yet all interconnected. Like the butterfly effect I suppose. We cannot control the phases of our lives or those of people we love, so all we can do, is make our chapters count. Make them chapters that they look back on and smile because you were in them. Chapters they like to re-read, mentally or even revisit later in life in a different phase or stage.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Forgotten Birthday Blues.

I remember when I was a teenager, my best friend commented that I always seemed to get hit by the birthday blues. I guess at that age each year that passes brings with it a mounting pressure to meet all the standards set for you. Social and sexual standards, educational and career standards, independence standards, not to mention fashion and body standards. Back then it was easy to feel like I was the only one who was falling short, but I suspect everyone probably felt the same. At least my friend cared enough to remember it was my birthday and notice my seasonal shift!

As my daughter enters this same teenage chapter in her life, I notice a similar shift in her. Not wanting to celebrate, spending more hours in the bathroom preening her face and hair, carefully selected outfits and craving home, the only safe place to be completely free to be your unfiltered self. Because I remember, and I understand, I respected her need for a comfy day at home in her pyjamas. She spent most of the day on her computer playing games and chatting to her friends until my parents stopped in for cake and coffee.

After they left, she came to me and said she was feeling “salty.” Which I believe is young people speak for annoyed/upset/angry. Asking her why she was feeling that way, she said only one of her friends had remembered and said happy birthday. I said maybe they didn’t know it was her birthday as she didn’t do anything to celebrate and she insisted she had been talking about it all week at school, so they must’ve known, and that she remembers their birthdays. Although, as we get older, birthdays hold less significance, and we have more understanding and tolerance for other peoples own busy lives and cluttered mind, I could still relate to her feelings.

It’s so easy to fall into this trap where you convince yourself that you are a better friend to your mates than they are to you. To allow yourself to feel uncared for, to see the negatives and start questioning your own importance within your circle. It’s even easier to over exaggerate your own greatness as a friend. Especially when you are a teenager, but even when you aren’t.

It might come down to love languages, because sometimes the way we express love, care and friendship to others, is not the way they themselves express it. For my daughter, remembering her friend’s special day is a way she expresses her friendship and that she was thinking of her friends. When she planned a “friend-entines day” celebration for them and lovingly packed each of them a love heart cupcake, and when she buys them thoughtful gifts for their birthdays even if they don’t have a celebration, or she isn’t included, she’s expressing her friendship and the special bond she feels with them individually and as a group.

I am so proud of her for the way she expresses her friendship, and the joy it brings her to make her friends happy. To see her realise that the act of giving is a greater gift than that of receiving. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to receive. What it does mean is that she has to look more carefully for the details she is missing in her salty state.

I reminded her of the one friend who was able to calm and comfort her when she had to go to the sick bay at school, which was her friends way of showing love and care. I reminded her of the requests for time spent hanging out together in person from another friend, and the secrets they share in those moments alone together. That shared intimacy is an act of care. I reminded her of the friend who makes her laugh, even when she feels like crying, and how that was an act of love and care.

Most of all, I reminded her to look for these positives, to remember them and to be gracious when her friends don’t reciprocate to her in her own language. Not to test people, by not celebrating your birthday and seeing who will notice. Not to set people up to fail and to confirm your worst fears about yourself and them. Not to let your mind poison you and your relationships by convincing you that nobody loves you and you would never treat them in ways they treated you.

When I relayed this to a friend with a young lady in her life of a similar age to my daughter however, she reminded me, that while they were all valid points, and important, it still does feel craptacular when your friends don’t remember your birthday. I reflected on an article I had read recently in a female friendship group I am a member of, and how a woman in her 60’s was also upset when her friends did not remember her birthday, while they remembered and celebrated everyone else’s birthdays.

So I hugged my young teen and told her it is ok to feel salty. It does hurt to feel forgotten and unimportant. Then we brainstormed ways to make it not happen again, such as celebrating as a way to remind people, or sending them a subtle message on your birthday such as “wow, I am 14 today! Sooooo old!” Lol I also said it was ok to say to her friends that she felt hurt, and allow them to apologise and make it up to her. Because while it is easy and lovely to express your love for your friends, sometimes it is not easy at all to express your hurt. But if you can’t, are you really as close as you think you are?

The magic isn’t in having perfect friends who never forget, who go above and beyond, who never let you down, the magic is in letting yourselves be imperfect, in working it out, in trusting that they will make it up to you, and that you can trust them with your hurt. “I’m not hurt” she insists; “I’m salty.” And I remind her that when someone says “I hate you” they really mean “you hurt me.”

“You don’t understand what salty is mum. I don’t hate them.” Ok, maybe I don’t understand what salty means, but I do understand friendships; what she’s going through now, what she will go through. The joy and the heartbreak and the new and old friendships, and the art of knowing when to hold and when to fold. But, as my own mother loves to tell me “you can’t put an old head on young shoulders.”

You can’t. But maybe my daughter has much to teach me about friendships too. Watch this space, the next generation of girl drama is coming through! Stay tunes folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Easter endearments and ideas for our friends who are slightly cracked eggs

Rolling painted hard boiled eggs downhill was a childhood tradition in my family. Did you have any?

Well readers, it’s hard to believe that Easter has rolled around already, but here we are! Each year I try to write a post about sweet friendships. I highlight that friendship is sweeter than any easter chocolate, but that friends who bring chocolate are even sweeter. I post sweet memes to send to your friends on this holiday, or list reasons why friendship is healthier than chocolate.  I have posted funny memes to make you smile, and easter hunt ideas for friends or family.

But as this easter is my sweet son’s sweet 16th birthday, I am taking a break this year from my easter posts. I have linked to them all above if you need inspiration, just click on the post you want to see and it should appear!

I wish you all a Happy Easter Holiday, and hope you spend it with your friends and family getting fat on all the chocolates. Which apparently is only something we do here in Australia. I am curious to hear what things other than chocolate foil covered easter eggs you celebrate Easter with in  your region of the world, so please do post and let me know.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happy Birthday Besties!

2 of my closest friends have birthdays at the end of March, one day after the other. This often means I feel like I never get to give either of them the complete attention they deserve as my mind is always still a little in “go mode” for the other. As these friends don’t know one another, a group thing just doesn’t work either.

As a matter of fact, I have so many birthdays in my life from December to March, I find I am almost relieved to check the last one off the list and take a break! I have 6 in February, and 6 in March, then let’s not forget to add in Galentines, Valentines and Easter into the mix too! It’s a pretty busy time of year to say the least and it requires me to be locked and loaded early.

I have a running list of names, what gifts they are getting for Christmas, when we are catching up for the festive season, birthday gifts, what we are doing to celebrate their special day and when, plus notes on what to write in each of the cards associated with the occasion. I have to keep a running list of ideas because it means basically buying 2 gifts and writing in 2 cards in fairly quick succession, plus planning any events, especially if it is someone’s 50th or some other big celebration.

Sometimes I find it all a bit overwhelming and I am actually a bit burnt out by the time their birthday’s roll around. I never want to give either of these friends the impression that their birthdays are an inconvenience, although when they both suggest the same night to celebrate that might be precisely how they feel when the negotiations begin! And I always feel endlessly guilty that although I am showing up and planning and doing all I can, that each of their celebrations seems somewhat overshadowed by the other.

So as their birthdays are in a few days, I wanted to publicly post how meaningful they are to me. In order of their birthday’s not in order of preference or importance!

Lisa,

Our long late night conversations, or endless phone calls about all the crazy thoughts we each have mean the world to me. Nobody understands my crazy quite like you do. Our monthly dinners are always a highlight and I love hearing about all the things, big and small going on in your world. It has been a pleasure growing with you, watching our friendship evolve through different phases over the years and watching you finally settle into the happiness you now radiate. You are a deep and kind and beautiful soul. I am so glad we met and maintained our connection through it all. I know that no matter what I am going through, I can always turn to you for endless listening, support and advice… and that you will be patient and understanding even when I don’t take said sound advice. I always feel loved by you, and I hope you always feel loved right back. I wish you as much happiness as you have brought me over the years for your birthday and every day. I can’t wait to celebrate it with you, and watch your face light up as it always does with whatever gifts you receive. I might be tired, but I am never tired of you or too tired for you. I look forward to celebrating you. Thank you for your friendship, it is the only gift we need. Lots of love xxx

Bel,

From the moment I met you, I knew that you were going to be special to me. I knew you were smart and kind, but I had no idea just how funny and fun you were. What a delight to find all our time together spent laughing. Our in jokes are next level and I always enjoy our time together. Thank you for the past 10 years of making memories, of love and laughter. In that time you have grown to be an important part of my family, and an even more important part of your own. Nothing is ever too much for you and I admire how generously you give of your time and services to the people you love. Your life has been on a journey and while it hasn’t always been an easy path, and your destination is still unknown, it has been an honour to walk beside you, and watch you smile no matter what. Your laugh is infectious and lights up any room, and your smile is my favourite thing to see. So many meals, movies, motels and massages. Gambling and giggling. Sarcasm and shopping. Your friendship has been an exciting experience, there is never a dull moment with you. While your birthday is among the last of the madness, you give me the energy to come to the party with all the stops and you make doing so worth it. Thanks for loving, not just me, but my family too. I hope this year brings me the privilege of returning that and many other favours. I know it will be filled with love and laughter if we are together. Love you longtime xx

I probably love these 2 friends precisely because they were born so close together. It was written in the stars. We are all fire signs! Not everyone can handle the heat, but these are 2 friendships I hope continue burning as bright as the sun for as long as it shines bright in our sky. Although they are fundamentally different friends, who meet fundamentally different and opposite needs of mine, there is no comparison or competition. I love each equally to the other and I know each of them loves me.

Although I often complain about what I call the March Madness, I wouldn’t have it any other way. All this means is that I am blessed with enough wonderful people for a madhatters tea party and maybe I should consider that for next year!

In the meantime, I have presents to wrap and cards to write and bookings to make. I have easter hunts to plan and shopping to do! So that’s it from me for this week folks! I will keep it short and sweet for Easter next week, so see you after a little break from broadcasting in April!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Do you actually always like your friends? Do they always like you?

During my recent falling out with a close friend, when we let silence permeate between us for a week, I was left pondering the question; do we actually like each other? More pointedly, this pervasive feeling that my friend really didn’t like me plagued me. Why would she stay friends with someone she actually didn’t like, I wondered.

Ruminating on the issue, I couldn’t ignore the fact that in my own circle of friendship there are friends I like maybe more than others. As I don’t keep too many friends, all of my friendships tend to be relatively close, but there were definitely friends who I had conflicting love hate feelings for. Where was the like? And if I didn’t like them, why on earth were we still friends?

I couldn’t really answer this in a black and white way as I had hoped. If I could understand my own motivations, maybe I would better understand those of my friend who I worried didn’t like me. What I did uncover was that there were aspects to some people that I don’t like or don’t trust or don’t feel comfortable with. Someone that speaks poorly of their other friends behind their backs. Someone who was very nice to me, but was sometimes rude to wait staff, or someone who has some controlling or manipulative tendencies. Someone who has wildly different values than my own.

So the outcome was that people are not perfect, of course! And there may be traits in everyone that we dislike, even if we do like them overall. And sometimes the things you don’t like are actually good things. Maybe you have a friend that is too nice, or a friend who is a bit uptight because they have strong morals and values, or a friends who is a bit tight with money because they stick to a budget at all costs. None of these things make a person toxic or bad friend material, they are just small aspects of our friend that make up a bigger picture of who they are.

It stood to reason therefore that there ARE definitely things about me that my friends don’t like, including the friend I was currently having issues with. I had to be ok with that and hope that the things she did like about me would outweigh the things she didn’t, although our ugly interaction wasn’t doing me any favours! Which is when I knew I needed to apologise. As much as from myself as for her and our friendship. If I was being honest with myself, the things I didn’t like about her had started becoming a focal point for me over the last few months and it wasn’t healthy or helpful to let my thoughts convince me that my feelings were facts.

Positive regard is a really big part of friendship, and trusting that your friends have positive regard for you in return is equally important. So when you find yourself starting to focus so heavily on the less desirable qualities of your friends, or start to hear negative messages from their actions, it is quite easy to lose that “like” aspect of your relationship even if you do actually love them.  It is easy to overlook all the positive aspects of your connection and start delving into dark places.

Interestingly for me, I find I can accept that many of my friends have qualities that I don’t find particularly endearing, but yet when I thought they were aware of my own faults I wasn’t so keen to admit that I too am a flawed individual and trust that they would still like me enough to continue our friendship. Any inkling that my friends were pulling back, or speaking to me with a tone, or not engaging as they usually would had me swimming in insecurity and had me feeling defensive about all my more positive qualities and ruminating on all the ways they had upset me over the years.

But the truth is, 9 times out of 10, when a friend is a little distant or distracted, it isn’t about us. It is about them, and what events in their own lives are floating around in their minds and it is unkind of me to not allow them more grace and trust, whilst jumping to conclusions that they don’t like me. It bothers me that I still struggle with this at times, because of course a friend should be granted the benefit of the doubt and the freedom and space to live their own life, get caught up in their own dramas and the privacy not to always feel they have to explain to you what is happening in their life so that you don’t take it personally.

However, just the same as “feelings are NOT facts” “Facts are NOT feelings either.” So how do you validate your feelings while keeping a clear mind about the facts and reality of the situation when “perception is reality?”  I think the answer to that is to make sure we are always questioning our perceptions of people and situations and that while if you feel a certain way about a friend or a situation, that is ok and valid. You do have a point. However nothing is one dimensional.

So yes, it is ok to be a little hurt or sad or annoyed about whatever has happened, and you don’t have to pretend you haven’t felt those feelings. Feel them. Don’t react to them or allow them to control your mind, just give them the oxygen they need to burn themselves out. Then look a little deeper into the situation, allow some time, perspective and remind yourself what you love about your friend, and what they love about you. Challenge negative thoughts like “she used me as plans for a last resort so she didn’t have to be home alone” to “it’s a shame her plans fell through but I am so happy she thought of me to spend time with instead.”

If you are struggling with a friend and the aspects of them that you find less appealing, remind yourself of why you are friends, all the good times you have together and the needs of yours that are met by the friendship and ways to build upon that connection. Ask yourself if you are allowing your negative thoughts to take control and paint your friend as an evil villain, when in reality nobody is all good nor all bad. Ask yourself how you would feel if one of your friends always chose to see or hear the negative in you?

The chances are high, that if someone is your friend, then YES, you DO like them. And YES, they DO like you too! Always? Probably not. Even if you don’t like every single thing about each other. Even if you annoy one another, or there are times when you actively dislike each other due to hurts and resentments and slights. Overall friendship is that positive regard and if you’ve lost it, I recommend seeing if you can get it back before losing people. Better to take the good with the bad than feel temporary relief and long term regret over hasty decisions made when your brain was flooding you with negative thoughts and feelings about someone who is probably not all bad or you never would have been friends with them in the first place, would you?

Think before you act. Like is a feeling just as love or hate or dislike are, and feelings pass, so don’t let valuable friendships pass with them. Positive regard doesn’t mean that you like everything about someone or that they like everything about you. It means they love and value you regardless of the things they don’t like; that the good outweighs the bad.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If it is important to you, then it is also important to your friends; that feeling of security that they can be flawed and imperfect and still know they are safe in your friendship, life and heart.

Breaking Up Versus Making Up

In the last month or so, a situation arose in one of my closest friendships where we spoke heated angry words at each other, I stormed out the room in tears and she packed up her stuff and left my house. I’m not even going to go into the details of our petty fight over something ridiculously inconsequential. For whatever reason this small thing triggered us both into big emotional reactions, and threw us into that grey area. Do we make up, or is it time to break up?

It’s not exactly common for her and I to fight like this, but it wouldn’t be accurate to say we always see eye to eye or find it easy to get along either. Each of us is well practiced at turning a blind eye to a heated comment or making a well timed joke to ease rising tensions. As she is easily the friend I spend the most time with, and as we are close, it stands to reason that we also get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Usually, we manage to make it work. But not always.

In the past we have broken up once before. We went our separate ways for 18 months, eventually being drawn back together. Similar circumstances presented, heated words and accusations followed by the loudest silence. She was the one to break the silence that time; I never would have. I tend to be a bit proud, and take the rejection quite personally. If you have left my life, I wont beg you to stay. But the 18 months we spent apart were hard on me. I missed her and I hated that I missed her, because I didn’t think she missed me. That hurt.

So, when I found myself once again swimming in the silence between us, it was time to ask myself, was this gong to be a comma, or a full stop? Initially it seemed clear, that after 10 years, if we still couldn’t get along, then this had to end. Our differences were clearly insurmountable and our needs were obviously opposing. Why keep trying when no matter how many times we tried to rewrite the story, it always ended the same way? I knew we loved each other, but love clearly wasn’t enough.

Each day that passed in silence weighed heavier than the one before. I didn’t really know why. Wasn’t it supposed to get easier? Why was it feeling worse? Perhaps it was her birthday gift that arrived in the mail the same day she stormed out of my house, and maybe my life? Or maybe it was the GALentines rose that sat mocking me on my bedside table? It might’ve been the photos of her that appear everyday in the little collection of photos my phone makes up for me, as she’s always in them. Probably because my phone is filled with all the happy memories we have shared over the last decade of friendship. It could’ve been the reminders in my phone about her niece’s birthday, or the pregnancy test that tumbled out of my bathroom cupboard onto my foot when I reached in for a new tube of toothpaste, as she is trying to conceive.

There were reminders of her, remnants of our scattered friendship everywhere I looked. My freezer has dog food for when her dogs are here. My cupboard has toys for when her young family members come to play. My buffet has a laminator and pouches for any work she needs to do at my place at short notice. My pantry has her favourite snacks, my fridge her favourite drinks. It could have been any of those reminders of how close we have become and how intertwined our lives have become. If anything, it was probably when my son received 4 awards for his outstanding efforts the year before, when she tutored him to a place of acceptance into his chosen field of study. I started to realise, I need this person. She’s become part of us over the years. More than that, I want her to stay a part of us. I missed her.

Being a Leo, however, still means I have too much pride, and refused to actually tell her any of this and end the long and loud silence lingering between us. Instead, I quietly hoped she would once again make the reconciliatory move. The difference between this time and last time, however, was that this time, she actually had apologized. Unfortunately I wasn’t ready for apologies then. I was still heated and self righteous. For all my talk of things like “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Apparently the question wasn’t as straightforward as it seemed. At that time, I felt I was right and that did make me happy. So I shot her apology down with some ugly harsh words, and on reflection, I felt that I had probably put the final nail in my own coffin by doing so.

When emotions are high and heated like this, it is easy to let logic fly out the window, and apparently all my windows were open that day. And my door. I let her leave and I regretted it now, yet seemed unable to take any steps to rectify the situation. So I let the silence drag on, all the while knowing, deep down, I was making things way worse, and if I didn’t act soon, it would be too late.

I went to dinner with another trusted long term friend, and I shared the situation with her. She asked me how we left things and I told her. She asked me if I was sorry and I said that I was sorry, yes. She asked me why I hadn’t apologized if I was sorry? I shrugged, and said “Pride?” She asked me if I was proud of how we had left things and I laughed and said “it was hardly my proudest moment was it?” And so, she concluded, I knew what I had to do.

She was right. I had to apologise if there was any hope of saving this. If I didn’t, I would be throwing away 10 years of friendship over a petty disagreement that got blown out of proportion, because I was too proud to say sorry? Too afraid of rejection? We had 10 years between us. Did I not trust her? What did I think she would do? The worst she could do was ignore me, which she was already doing… so what was there to lose?

The next morning, I reached out and apologized. I told her she was too important to me to just throw it all away over something stupid, that I had over reacted and that we still needed and wanted her in our lives. That I loved her and I didn’t want to regret not trying to reconcile because I let pride get in the way when I wasn’t proud of how we left things.

That afternoon, she thanked me for reaching out, said we probably just needed some space, and although it would be a bit awkward seeing each other for the first time again, she appreciated my apology and of course it wasn’t too late for us. We decided not to be awkward, just to laugh it off like we had always done in the past, hug it out and soldier on.

Close relationships, including friendships sometimes experience friction. It isn’t the friction that defines you, but the recovery that does. The trust and vulnerability, can actually bring you closer. If you allow it. I always say Friendships are akin to platonic relationships, which means they take the same commitment and effort to communicate, show up, and make things work. It is easier to walk away from a friend than a romantic relationship, but the easiest path is seldom the right one is it?

I can’t tell you if you should break up or make up with your friend. But I can tell you it is worth weighing up how much your friendship means to you and if you would rather live with trying to reconcile and being turned down, or the regret of not knowing what might have happened if you had been willing to try. It feels so much better to fight for her than fight against her. So fight for whatever feels right for you, and just know we are proof that either way, it ain’t over til it’s over.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Needs in Friendships

We live in a world that likes boxes and labels for everything. Friendship is in of itself a box, neatly separated from family or romantic or sexual relationships. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have romantic friendships or sexual ones for that matter. So I wanted to explore the different types of friendships, or the different types of friends you might have, and what needs they might be meeting.

I know I have talking friends, mostly. These are friends with whom I can sit on the couch for hours, with a hot or cold drink and whittle away hours. We can cover an endless array of topics, past, present and future about life and love and relationships. We talk about our kids and our homes and our dreams. We talk about our families, our problems, our jobs, passions and hobbies. We spend time truly listening to each other and just enjoying a sense of connection through sharing.

My friends who lean towards overthinking like I do, we talk about the psychology and feelings behind what we have done, or what someone else has said. We talk through consequences of possible decisions and look at all the predicted outcomes of a big decision. We discuss theories and delve a little deeper into conversations.

But this makes other friends uncomfortable. They prefer to swim closer to the surface, and enjoy time seeing a play or a movie. They love to laugh and dilute the intimacy between us which makes them mildly uncomfortable. But these friends are fun, always up for the other ticket to whatever you are doing and it can be a little like platonic dating. Who doesn’t love that? A romantic friendship can meet the needs of many people in different stages of their lives, although these friendships are typically devoid of much touch.

That doesn’t mean that friends aren’t sometimes affectionate. I certainly have a friend or 2 that are particularly tactile. The first to hug me on a hard day, these friends typically reach out and touch my arm as they share a story, or link arms with me when I walk. They grab my hand across the table and touch my hair or rub my shoulders. They hug and kiss me hello and goodbye with a natural ease, and make me feel very comfortable in their presence.

Typically, I have found that tactile friends aren’t your romantic ones, and their touch is affectionate rather than sexual. However, sexual friendships also do exist; often referred to as friends with benefits. In order to maintain the friends part of the label, these friends will usually shy away from the romantic or tactile categories, preferring to keep a surface level friendship where meetings have a mutually agreeable and desirably pleasurable outcome for both parties.

While your friends with benefits may be flirty with you, it is unwise to think every friend who is flirty with you is interested in anything more than a platonic non tactile connection. Some people are naturally flirtatious and use that as a way of forming connections. Others, on the more sarcastic scale, may banter with you, tease you and leave you a little confused if it is love or hate they are feeling…until you realise they are one in the same.

What’s interesting about all these different types of friendships, is that they all serve a need, and what’s good about them is that one person doesn’t have to meet all of your needs. If you happen to be a widow, perhaps you really appreciate your tactile friend as a way to still experience loving connection although you may never feel ready for a sexual friend. If you are single, you may really value the romantic plus one friend, or even the friend with benefits.

Personally I have had all these types of friends over the years and each has satisfied a need that is not always met within my marriage or romantic relationships prior to that. I can’t always deep dive in conversation with my husband, and he isn’t interested in armchair psychology as I am. He prefers to stay in, while I like going out, so my dating friend is a gem. I adore my tactile friends and how welcomed I feel in their presence as it is not something I have always felt in friendships with women because of my sexuality. Many have been hesitant to send mixed messages or have been more formal around touch to maintain appropriate boundaries, so the women who do embrace you with ease stand out. I have so much fun with my flirty friends and the ones who like to banter with me, and I don’t always need these friends to be the same ones as the ones I can talk to until the cows come home.

I find in my friendships it is important to mentally note which of my friends meets which needs, (some will and do overlap) and be grateful for that contribution to my life. Because it can be all too easy to start getting frustrated when the friend you laugh with doesn’t seem to listen, or when the friend you talk to never wants to spend a night on the town. It’s then that you have to recheck your expectations and remind yourself what you do enjoy about them, while reminding yourself that you have other friends for those other needs.

When you start exploring what friends meet which needs, you may even discover needs you didn’t even know you had. Like my friend who is kind of like one of the family. She is good with my kids, particularly my son, and this is valuable to me in ways I didn’t realise because my son’s biological father wasn’t around by the time he was born, so I had obviously been walking around wanting to find people who WOULD love my boy as I did. I wasn’t conscious of this need until she met it, yet as soon as she did, I knew I loved her.

A few of my friends I have known since childhood or adolescence, and although I am not consciously thinking about how I need friends that tie me to my past and who know me so well because they have always known me, when I think about them, sometimes it does feel as though we are the only people who truly, deeply and profoundly “know” and understand each other.

And I am sure I am yet to meet many more wonderful women who are to become my friends that may meet needs I either do not currently hold or do not know I hold. That is the magic of friendships and why we continue growing and nurturing them and making them all throughout our time on this earth. Some friends will stop meeting the needs that you have, or you may stop meeting theirs, or your needs may change, but the beauty is that more people are coming, or friends may change what needs they meet over time.

A divorced friend who never liked to go out when they were married might suddenly become your plus one friend, while they used to like to deep dive into conversations they may now prefer to just keep it light and fun. Or maybe they used to keep it light but now they like to get deeper because they are going through something! Or I might get a diagnosis that presents a new need for people going through the same thing that can relate.

The important thing is to know that our friends are important, they do meet certain needs we have and we should not ever rely one person, romantic or platonic to cover all the bases. The best part about that is that we can also play to our own strengths in our friendships too and meet whatever needs of our friends come naturally to us and don’t have to meet the needs that are out of our comfort zone.

What needs do your friends meet? Which needs of theirs do you think they meet in return?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx