Things Change

In the last few weeks I talked about personality types and love languages and how to be a better friend to your friends based on their needs. We touched on the fact that a person’s love languages often stem from their unmet needs. For example a person who feels isolated or like they struggle to hold people’s attention might feel loved through quality time, whereas a person who is so busy they hardly have time to scratch themselves might value acts of service.

It honestly makes sense, but things change, don’t they? People change, circumstances change. It’s possible you felt isolated in one town you lived in, and craved someone to spend some time with, but then moved home and felt overwhelmed by requests for time. Or you didn’t value acts of service much until after you became a parent and your workload suddenly got a lot more intense.

And when I took that personality type quiz, it told me I am a stabiliser. I might be, but I also have some strong improver traits going on too! So although it is handy to characterise and sort ourselves into neat little boxes, in order to be the best friend you can be, an overall and current awareness of your friends and their immediate circumstances is essential.

What tends to be hardest is when you have a mutual need or love language, then that changes for one of you, but not the other. I have experienced this countless times with single friends who feel a bit lonely and like to connect over quality social time, however those needs of theirs change when they partner up, and suddenly they find themselves favouring gifts (presents instead of presence) and words of affirmation as a love language.

What’s hard about that is that they might love giving and receiving a thoughtful and meaningful gift, with a card filled with loving and reassuring words affirming that although our bond has changed, our feelings towards each other have not. They mean these words, but if I am still feeling lonely and needing quality time to feel loved, these gestures tend to take on an empty meaningless feeling although I believe they do mean what they say. Because how I receive love is no longer the same as how they are giving it.

Similarly, there are times in my life when I am willing and able to offer acts of service to friends as a love language, and I know the friends in question truly appreciate and feel loved and supported by these acts of service. However there are other times when I start to feel exhausted or get too busy or overwhelmed with my own life and have to start pulling back on these acts of service, leaving my friends in question puzzled if I am upset with them as I seem withdrawn. I wont lie and say there are never times when this might be true and I start to feel a bit used, but there are also times when it has absolutely no correlation to the friends and how many requests for services they have made. So when I suggest some quality time together and a long hug when they complain about how hard things are, as opposed to offering my assistance, it does not feel like love to them even though I am trying to still show love. It isn’t in their language.

Naturally, this plays into my theory that having 5 close friends is the sweet spot, so that no one person is drained by requests for love in your language. I like to hope when I can’t do whatever it  is my friend has asked me to do, that they have other people to turn to instead. Similarly when my single friends couple up, they like to hope that I still have other people to meet my need for quality time with too.

And both things are true. This is important as if you only have that one person and they can no longer meet your need, the hole in your life can become so big you fall into it, and struggle to climb back out of the darkness alone. However, that doesn’t make it easy. Because when things change, and needs change, and love languages change… friendships change. Whoever else I might start spending time with when my friend couples up and becomes less available, will start to inevitably feel closer to me than someone I spend less time with. This is especially true if the persons in question are good listeners and a safe place to share, but tends to become true even if they aren’t as time builds that familiarity. It would therefore also stand to reason that if someone else was providing my acts of service friend more consistent and willing acts of service that they will start to feel closer to that person than me.

In those circumstances it can be hard to adjust to the changes and still nurture and appreciate the friendship as it changes. It isn’t uncommon to experience an ambiguous sense of loss, even although you and the other party are still actually on good terms. What you have lost is that sense of intimacy that was there before when you were both speaking the same language. When you are experiencing grief over the connection, it is sometimes easier to continue pulling away.

We might be guilty of blaming the other party for the feelings of grief, and feel it is easier not to bother with them any longer than feel a sense of emptiness and even a forced pretence when we are with them under new circumstances. Thoughts such as “why bother spending time on my birthday and giving me a gift when that is the only time you bother with me at all” might start plaguing you. In the other example, thoughts such as “why would I want you  to come over and give me a hug when I have just told you how busy and overwhelmed I am already and how little time I have. You aren’t hearing me or understanding!” would be fairly commonplace.

These thoughts soon spiral into further negative feelings and before you know it, the connection has crumbled. Either because one of you felt it was better to end things than endure the painful change, or because you both pulled away when needs were no longer being met by each other.

The bad news is that there’s no real way around this, the only way is through it. And I recommend suffering through the changes if you can. Trust me when I tell you this is a lesson I have learned the hard way more than once. But once you focus on where you can meet your own need, or who else can meet it, and accept that their needs have changed, it can be interesting to recategorize them and assess what their new needs are. How can you meet them? Can you keep positive feelings about them when you know they are genuine, but you are frustrated?

Space isn’t something you will have to implement, as change tends to bring about space all on it’s own – your challenge is to endure the space until it doesn’t hurt anymore and you are able to find meaning in the birthday gift and card, and enjoy the opportunity to continue to grow your connection in a new direction, however slowly.

I know I am grateful for the friends that have endured change with me. I know I haven’t always acknowledged that some of the changes caused them pain and frustration. Similarly I know I feel better about the more relaxed but strong connections I still hold with people who enforced changes upon me, than those who allowed me to walk away. Because there is nothing worse than wondering if you might have still been friends, had you endured change better with more grace and understanding and compassion, than hiding from them when you see them in the supermarket.

People change, circumstances change, connections change, needs change, love languages change and friendships change. If you want to be the best friend you can be, you need to learn to change with them and not resist them. It will hurt, but you’ll survive, and hopefully so will the new connections that are born from that change!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mumma My Friend

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you fortunate enough to be celebrating. This includes Aunts and Uncles who are like second parents, single dad’s who are doing it all, mother’s of fur babies, and those of you who’s connection to the day is now on the other side. But it is especially for my mum!

I complained about my mother tirelessly as a youngster. She went to work and wasn’t there for me. But no mention of all the things her wage afforded us as a family, like around the world holidays, and no gratefulness about the things it afforded me directly, like the cordless phone in my room and the remote control tv. This was a big deal back then! But no, instead I complained that I didn’t have my own phone line/number and that the tv didn’t have a VCR with it.

I complained about her doing the washing first thing on a Saturday instead of thanking her for using her few precious days off to wash, dry, fold, sort and put away my clothes so I had clean things to wear.

I complained that I had to put the potatoes on to boil at 5pm so that she could serve them with dinner after her bus from work got in at 5.30pm. “I’m not your slave” I would bellow ungratefully down the line when she had to call every single day to remind me or I wouldn’t do it. No thank you mum for getting up early, and peeling and cutting the potatoes in the pot ready to be boiled before a long day at work, plus the pre preparation of whatever other things she was serving for dinner.

I complained that she had expectations about the cleanliness of my room, insisting that it wasn’t her business and to close the door if she didn’t like it and keep out of my room. No thanks for the room of my own, filled with luxury items with which I made said mess. No gratefulness to her for returning to work so they could pay off that house and provide us with security and stability.

I complained that I was not allowed to bring a friend on said round the world trips, instead of being grateful and revelling in the opportunity to travel and see things I may not ever get to experience again.

I complained that the dishes had to be done straight after dinner, although I was seldom asked to do them, instead of offering and understanding that she just wanted to sit down after a long hard day.

I complained when I was asked to defrost the freezer, that she was wasting a day of my precious time on the school holidays instead of thanking her for the fridge and freezer full of nutritious meals and snacks.

I complained when she spoke to my friends, calling her nosey and briefing them in advance to tell her nothing, instead of thanking her for trying to connect and relate to us, and being interested and concerned about what we were experiencing.

I complained when she would edit my work. I just wanted praise and adoration, not criticism, instead of thanking her for helping me to be better and achieve more.

I wish I could tell you that my complaining stopped there, as an adolescent, but it didn’t.

I complained that when she would visit after I moved out of home that she would visit and clean things instead of accepting me the way that I am and enjoying time together instead of thanking her for her help and all the time she was saving me that I could later spend with my friends.

I complained when she decided it was time for me to pay for my own rego and insurance on the car that they bought and maintained for me years after I was legally an adult.

I complained that I was expected to look after my dog when they went on holidays, although they kept and cared for him long after I moved out, instead of thanking her for the love and care she bestowed upon a dog she never wanted.

I complained less, and started to understand all that selflessness and sacrifice that being a mother requires after I had my son, but I still never stopped complaining fully.

I complained that she wasn’t available enough to babysit my children so that I could go out…. Instead of being grateful for all the times, and there were many, that she was willing to accommodate.

I complained that she commented on my body and my diet, instead of empathising and understanding her concern and desire to protect me from her own perceived shortcomings and struggles.

I complained that she made parenting suggestions instead of thanking her for her wisdom.

I complained that she stopped hosting Christmas and family functions over the years after they moved to a tiny apartment in a retirement village instead of thanking her for slaving away all those years and making those moments easy and enjoyable and memorable for the rest of us.

I complained that she didn’t want to put up her Christmas tree anymore instead of understanding that the kids are all teenagers now, and they don’t go over enough to even really see it instead of thanking her and explaining she made Christmas magic and it breaks my heart that she’s running out of magic dust.

I complained that she wants to use a shower chair instead of standing after a friend of hers fell in the shower and broke her neck, instead of being compassionate and explaining it scares me she’ll get old and leave me and I don’t want to lose her.

I have complained about everything, every step of the way. And I am so damned lucky to have so much to complain about. Because every complaint was about a blessing she gave me that not everyone had.

Thank you to my mother, who gave me everything, asked for nothing and hardly complained about all my complaining. Please know I do appreciate every little thing you have offered to make my life easier, and what it cost you, as a woman. All that self sacrifice, all those acts of service, all those hours of working both at home and in the office. The early mornings and late nights and the mental load.

Let’s be honest, I will probably never stop finding things to complain about, but mostly I want to complain that you are getting older and tired and I want you to stay here, as you are, forever. As that isn’t possible I want you to know it will be an honour to care for you as your needs advance, and I hope you complain about everything I do too! I definitely deserve it!

I have complained about many things, but never that you haven’t expressed love. Everything that you do, for me, and for everyone in your life, is love. Remembering the details, listening attentively, thoughtful gifts and gestures. And despite my complaining that is the greatest gift you have given me. You have taught me how to love through loving.

I love you Mumma, even if you complain that I don’t show it enough! Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. Thank you. For Everthing you have done, continue to do and will do in the future. I notice. I care. I love you too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend For(n)Ever
xx

Friendship personality type compatibility

Last week we talked about friendship personality types and how to be a better friend based on your friends personality type. This week I wanted to explore compatibility between the types and the pros and cons of each pairing.

Doer + Doer.

Pro’s – Doers thrive in competition with each other, and they motivate each other to be the best that they can be. Each values the opinion of the other in the highest regard and there is tonnes of mutual respect here. Nobody knows how good they are, and how under valued they are, than another doer. Doers are the least sentimental of the types and do not value quality time. But this works for them as neither expect it from the other anyway. Low maintenance friendships are most often between doers.

Con’s – Both are competitive and both are sore losers. Both wants the respect and accolades and neither takes enough time to offer enough praise and stroke the ego of the other. At the end of the day there can only be one winner, so doers tend to surround themselves with the other types even if only for status and support to be the best against the other doers. You are only as strong as your team.

Doer + Connector.

Pros – The pros of this friendship is that the connector can praise the doer effectively without asking for too much in return. They can increase their social network, social status and standing. The doer benefits from the popularity of the connector. The connector feels proud to have someone as bold and confident as the doer in their life, and feels supported by the acts of service the doer can offer in return. As the doer has little time to offer, the fact that the connector has many other friends to meet those needs relieves the doer of pressure to give too much time, attention or reaasurance. Both like a faster paced life and both like to laugh. The connector loves to spread cheer and the doer uses laughter to let off steam and relax as they often don’t take much time for anything else.

Cons – The cons of this relationship is that the connector is so busy tending to the needs of all their friendships and relationships, the doer may feel underacknowledged. They love to be adored, so can at times struggle to keep the attention of the connector. The connector can sometimes feel used for status and underwhelmed by the doers lack of ability to connect on a deeper personal level.

Doer + Improver.

Pro’s – Doers want to be the very best they can be. So they do value the criticism of the improver, they can provide valuable insight and strategy in order to be better. They can be good collaborators, setting goals and achieving them together. The Doer can motivate the improver to be better and apply strategy to their own life, to use that self critic for good and support them to make decisions. The doers confidence can be contagious to the improver. The improver thrives on the clear expectations of the doer. The doer is direct and the improver appreciates that direction.

Con’s – Improvers are self critical already and the doers insensitive nature can be hurtful to the improver. If the improver cannot find a way to soften the blows of the candid nature of the doer, then they may become distant and withdrawn. They may feel not good enough for the doer and stop trying as they cannot figure out a way to conduct themselves in a manner that is pleasing to the doer. The doer finds the improvers more relaxed and quiet style boring and unproductive and starts to under value them. They may end up assuming responsibility for the improver and trying to direct their life and become frustrated when their efforts and advice are not taken and appreciated. Both types enjoy control, and can clash on this issue.

Doer + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – The doer needs the stabilizer, because the doer likes to be in control and the stabiliser enjoys taking the directions of the doer. The doer enjoys feeling like they are improving the life of the stabiliser by being in it, and the stabiliser thrives off lifting the doer up. The stabilizer is the “good woman behind every good man” in the expression. The masculinity and femininity of the types mean they are drawn to each other.

Con’s – It can also mean they are not from the same planet. The stabilizer needs gentle understanding, time and undivided attention -to be seen and understood in their own right and not only in terms of what they offer the doer. The doer finds this need for attention exhausting and unnecessary. In truth  the doer doesn’t think the stabiliser deserves attention, they are disgustingly passive and deserve to be used if they are willing to tolerate such treatment, then they are asking for it. The doer does want the stabiliser to do something, to make something happen. But if the stabiliser did, they probably wouldn’t be friends anymore. The stabilizer can be liked or respected by the doer, but not both at the same time. The doer becomes tired of doing everything for the stabilizer and finds them lazy and unmotivated – their biggest fear. Stabilisers are too slow, passive, and frustratingly indecisive for the doer. They don’t understand each other, and the stabiliser will feel pressured, not good enough and unheard, under valued. They like to please people but their very nature is displeasing to the doer.

Connector + Connector.

Pro’s – Connectors love connecting with new people, so when they come together it is like 2 magical worlds colliding and expanding with even more love and connectedness. The more the merrier, this is a happy pairing bringing so much extra happiness.

Con’s – it is exhausting for them to maintain so many connections with so many people and eventually their connections with others in their groups may become stronger than their connections to each other. Neither finds the connection fulfilling enough as both are too busy contending to connecting with everyone else. A little goes a long way but too little and it will fizzle.

Connector + Improver.

Pro’s – The connector sees the depth of the improver, sees their fears and need to be perfect in order to be good enough. The connector tries tirelessly to love the improver just the way they are and creates a safe space for the beauty of the vulnerability and depth to which the improver is capable if they just let their guard down and stop being ruled by the fear of mistakes. The connector is impressed by the improvers power of observation and feels equally seen and attended to in deeper ways than their other friends have the ability to offer. The improver thrives off the attention of the connector, and is impressed that someone so popular and happy would ever include someone more solitary and pessimistic or realistic in their world. The improver values the fun and creativity the connector offers and a glimpse into the world of how the fun and relaxed people live.

Con’s – The improver can be somewhat insensitive to the needs and feelings of the connector. As the connector loves to feel connected and valued, continued criticism from the improver can be wearing. The connector accepts the improver as they are, but perhaps never feels the same in return. The improver sees the suggestions as love, but the connector doesn’t feel loved. The connector may talk to the improver wanting to be heard and validated, but the improver is quick to analyse the problem and offer advice, which leads to a disconnect. Improvers are the least flexible of the types and connectors love humour and freedom and lots of people which make the improvers uncomfortable. Humour can be a grey area, and it can be lost on an improver. Improvers also want to tell the connectors how to improve, but with their positive outlook, this focus on the negatives drains them.

Connector + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – The connector is the most fun type and the stabiliser thrives with this playfulness, as they don’t have to overthink it. They enjoy this superficial way of connecting and the ease and lack of pressure. The stabilizer brings consistency and reliability  to the connector. The connector values that they can depend on the stabiliser to do what they say they will do. They each like the attention the other has to offer, and the fact that they sometimes include and introduce them to others. Connectors appreciate the support that the stabiliser has to offer. As connectors are more fast paced and highly sociable, their connections often lack depth and they appreciate that warm place to stop for a moment and feel really seen and heard, even when they aren’t feeling quite as cheerful as they present to the world.

Con’s - The connector feels unsure of the stabiliser. The connector wants to connect, and as the stabiliser likes to go with the flow, the connector feels unsure of who the stabiliser really is and if they are really happy and connected. They sense that the stabiliser would not speak up if they wanted something and that frustrates the connector as they then don’t ever feel like the stabiliser is pleased with them. The stabiliser feels pressured to speak up and step into their light and power to please the connector, but they don’t know how to do that authentically. Each may gravitate towards other friends who feel more authentic and accepting.

Improver + Improver.

Pro’s – improvers understand each other the best. They see the reasons behind critical thinking and revel in endless discussions of armchair psychology. They feel truly seen and understood and validated by connecting with others who think the same ways as they do.

Con’s – They waste their life discussing changes they could make but never do, and convince themselves and each other the world is an unsafe place. They can easily become codependent, feeling safe with only each other but also disconnected from the world.

Improver + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – These 2 types are deeper thinkers and love sharing in more relaxing activities together. Both enjoy similar things like theatre, arts, movies and massage. They are quieter and revel in deep conversation and ruminations. They both love quality time and words of affirmation and easily meet this need for the other. The stabiliser forgives the improver for their negative mindset and critical thinking and understands their need to be better. The stabiliser supports the improvers goals but does not apply pressure for the improver to actually action them. The stabiliser feels most seen and understood by the improver because of the lack of interference by other people or tasks in their bond. Improvers are probably also most compatible with stabilisers. To be fair, stabilisers key trait is an ability to go with the flow and show people whatever it is that they think people want to see. A stabiliser will tolerate an improvers criticism and indulge in the negatives with them. They can also help each other become more organised with deliberation and plans, to declutter their lives and minds. Even if the plans go unachieved, they feel better having mentally tackled the issue mentally at least!

Con’s – Much like the connector, the improver wants to see the real self of the stabiliser. They want to feel like they really understand the truth of this person, but the stabiliser is only happy if the others around him or her are happy. This can lead to confusion for the stabiliser who is being as real as they are able and frustration and distrust for the improver who works tirelessly to earn the trust of the stabliser to see through the mask. The improver can be a little insensitive to the stabiliser and hurt them with their criticism.

Stabiliser + Stabiliser.

Pro’s – Stabilisers will never ever argue or fall out because neither is willing to risk upsetting the other. They are calm and peaceful and get along well. They probably always turn to each other when other’s let them down or fail to appreciate them as nobody understands the sacrifces as much as another stabiliser.

Con’s – Each finds their connection with the other unsatisfying. Neither is willing  to take the lead and nothing ever gets done. They like each other fine, but will probably get bored and repel each other a bit like magnets. They are both drawn to the magnetism of the other types and want to be lifting up the successful strong people of the world. They have little to offer each other except validation and understanding on how unappreciated they are.

Does any of this resonate with you? What type are you and who do you think you are most compatible with?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship personality types.

Ok, so I was looking up love languages, when I came across an article on www.yourauthenticpersonality.com. There is a quiz and everything, I encourage you to check it out. The article kind of ties in your love languages to your needs, strengths and weaknesses and outlines 4 basic personality types, and which love languages tend to exist within those personality types.  They are doers, connectors, improvers and stabilizers.

And it seems to make a lot of sense when you start to think. Doers are bold personality types, they get things done, are decisive and goal oriented and confident. They don’t hesitate to act. They can be impatient as they hate passivity and people who deliberate for too long or overthink. For this reason they can sometimes come off as blunt and insensitive. But they also can’t ask for help as they value independence and having agency. And they struggle to relax because they are so focussed on productivity to prove their value and earn status. They are career driven and enjoy a challenge as long as they still feel in control. They are competitive and organised and hate clutter and sluggishness. They don’t take orders well. They need praise and recognition of their achievements.

I have a doer friend. That means they keep busy doing things. But nobody has THAT much to do…. Unless they are often doing things for others. Caring for elderly or young family members, assisting colleagues at work, running errands for inlaws…. That is their way of expressing love and care. And it is often the doers of the world who feel under appreciated and overwhelmed because much of the time they are so busy doing things for others that they don’t feel like anybody is doing anything for them. Their own stuff is being neglected while they take care of everyone else. They also don’t feel acknowledged and celebrated. They want the world to know nothing would ever happen without them taking control and leading the way.

So the best way to take care of your doer friend, is to do things for them. Acts of service. Big and small. When you are at the shops, ask them if there is anything they need. These friends also probably appreciate words of affirmation and recognition. So when they do things for you, remember a card with some pretty words of thanks will fill them up and help them not feel taken advantage of. Or public displays of affection, physical or otherwise. My doer friend likes to feel rewarded with praise and gifts. It makes them feel like you thought of them and acknowledged how much they do for you and you wanted to get them a token of that appreciation. Big or small, it is genuinely the thought that counts. My doer friend struggles to ask for help, although accepts it somewhat willingly when offered. So if your friend is a doer, remember to offer instead of saying later “you should have asked.” They are unlikely to make you ask.

Then we have our connectors. If your friend is a connector, they are a social butterfly. They wear their heart on their sleeve and they aim to please. The more the merrier with this friend. They are positive and they form relationships through meaningful emotional relationships with almost everyone they meet. Because your connector friend is so friendly, they first and foremost crave words of affirmation. They will tell you exactly what you mean to them and appreciate the same in return. They need some amount of quality time, but this needn’t be in person. They like to know that they are valued, so they appreciate a little message that lets them know you thought of them, and they are thrilled even if it is just the exchange of jokes and memes on a regular basis because they love spreading joy. Similar to the doers, they also appreciate a gift but not because they are materialistic, although in some way doers and connectors do measure their worth to you via gifts, but mostly because they love knowing you either saw something and thought of them, or thought of them first and went out of your way to get something special. Doers don’t care as much what the item is, but connectors want to feel that the gift represents your close bond, so make it something thoughtful.  Connectors are also loving, so they are the type to offer a long hug or a cheeky smack on your rear. They crave physical touch for the simple reason that they love feeling connected and loved.

So if your friend is a connector, send them that funny video to let them know you think of them. Give them a meaningful gift and a card with warm words of affirmation and love, validating their value to you as a friend. And when you gift it to them, give them a big cuddle too. Listen when they talk to you, remember the details, follow up. Be someone they can turn to and someone they can count on. Never isolate them, always remember to reach out and never make them feel like they are too much. People give in the same ways they like to receive, so accept their gifts, don’t shy away from their touch and tell them you loved that meme they sent, and that they are the best. And if you feel lonely, reach out. Even if they don’t have time, they will connect you with someone that does! An occasional act of service, preferably offered will be appreciated, however not needed or expected. They are better at giving than receiving.

Next we have our improvers. If your friend is an improver, it is likely that their top love language is quality time. They always seek to be closer, to improve your connection, to make it deeper and make sure they fully understand you. But they also like order, tend to be less flexible and like to be in control. They will be the planners, and they will have planned for every outcome. They like science and maths because they don’t do well with grey areas and unclear expectations. They are overthinkers and will analyse every reaction of yours scanning for clues if they got it right or wrong. They prefer a few deep and meaningful connections than loads of superficial friends and don’t do well in groups. They are reflective, and like to correct their mistakes. It may seem like they are prone to focus on the negatives but that is because they want to be better. They don’t do well under pressure, they need time to think, to plan, to perfect. They need order and some solitude and things like art and music to help express their depth.

So if your friend is an improver, they need quality time. They are happy to instigate this, and want you to demonstrate trust by going along with their plans. Everything they do is carefully considered and words of affirmation will go a long way. If they see an area you can improve in, they are likely to tell you, however they are not great at acts of service. They will tell you how to improve and expect you to action it, and wont easily accept acts of service either as they like to fix things themselves. As they can be perfectionists, gifting is difficult for them. They don’t appreciate thoughtless gifts and would rather an experience building memories and time together. If they do get you a gift, they will be disappointed if it misses the mark of sentimentality. The best way to meet your friends need is to make the effort to be one of the trusted few in their inner circle, by offering time and attention, and like their imput and critical thinking is of benefit to you. If you create a safe space for them to be vulnerable it can be beautiful but otherwise they can be aloof, closed off, and even cold. They don’t trust easily, nor forgive easily, so attention not to be careless is paramount. They want to get it right, but they expect the same of you.

Last, but not least we have our stabilisers. Stabilisers are the glue holding us together, they are patient and observant, unassuming and quiet. They are conflict averse, hate changes and endings and prefer to find ways to keep everyone happy. They are humble, and diplomatic. They tend to be disorganised because they are singular minded and focussed, and often don’t assert themselves for fear of rocking the boat. They are relaxed and go with the flow. However sometimes they are so relaxed and unassuming that they can seem uncaring and disengaged. Similar to improvers, they like clear expectations and a slower paced relaxing life. They are great listeners.

So if your friend is a stabilizer, they are prone to feel unseen while they shine their light on everyone else. For this reason they need quality time. They want to listen to you, but nothing makes them feel happier than when you make time to listen in return, and hear the things they do not say. Because there is a lot they don’t say. They are over responsible and tend to carry other people’s problems. They will give acts of service and gifts to try and make you happy, and it will work if you shower them with words of affirmation that make them feel deeply seen and understood and not part of the background they so desperately try to blend into. They are tolerant and too forgiving, but that leads them to feeling used easily. What they really want is a quiet time together. A day spa date, a movie, a gift that demonstrates that you really see who they are and what they like. Give them attention and permission to shine, and they will shine their light all over you.

Which type are you? Do you see your friends in any of the other types?

Next week we will look at the compatibility of the pairings and the pros and cons of each!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are Favours The Fabric Of Friendship?

The more people I speak to, the more obvious it appears to me that many of us feel the biggest benefit of friendship is having someone, or someones to call on in our times of need. I’ll never forget the friend who described her idea of friendship to me as other nice mums who do things for each other. I have mentioned here before that I am not brilliant at acts of service as a love language and that is probably why that person and I parted ways eventually.

I think one of the reasons that I don’t value acts of service as much is because I don’t ask for too many. From friends especially! I can hear my mum making a mental list of all the favours I have indeed asked my parents for over the years. Thank you mum! I do appreciate it and am prepared to acknowledge all the help I have asked for and at times ungraciously accepted. Lol Maybe it is because I don’t work, but even in my working years I don’t feel I asked for a great deal of help! Although to be fair, I didn’t have kids then.

I can’t say why I haven’t needed much help. I wouldn’t describe myself as fiercely independent – I live pretty comfortably and happily off my husbands wage, and wouldn’t know how to fix a tyre or anything that involves tools. Maybe I am just fortunate that I have lived a fairly low profile and stable life. I haven’t moved around heaps, haven’t had to juggle motherhood and working, and have had parents in a position to assist me pretty much whenever I do need something.

But I tend to have attracted more chaotic friends, like the one mentioned above. The kind who has unstable relationships, tends to move house a lot, have financial difficulties or emotional struggles or are single working mothers who justifiably just can’t do it all alone and don’t have a strong support network outside of their friendship group.

Because I have attracted (or been attracted to) these sorts of people, there have been many favours asked of me, that have sometimes left a sour taste in my mouth. A few too many requests to watch their kids when I don’t need them to watch mine. Or a few too many requests for acts of service leaving me feeling exhausted while my requests for quality time go denied because nobody in chaos really has time for that perhaps!

But I think what realised as I was writing last weeks post about friendships and connection being motivating, was that favours are important to friendships, as long as you are getting and receiving in equal measure, your motivations aren’t questionable and you do feel like you work well as part of a team.

Last week I mentioned I was petsitting for my friends kitten. A task I was more than happy to volunteer for as I adore her kitten and have contemplated getting another one, so that was like a little trial to see how our current cat would adjust. The results are still out on that, perhaps a week wasn’t long enough… or perhaps I just can’t accept that the answer is that possum only thrives in a single cat household! However, that is also the same friend who installed a new tap for me a few weeks ago when she was over and my current tap just suddenly stopped working. I didn’t ask her to fix it, just as she didn’t ask me to pet sit. We just each said “let me help.”

Despite the fact that my friend is wonderful with kids, and great with my own kids, I have only ever asked her to babysit a handful of times because I feel others exploit her willingness and don’t include her in the adult fun. So instead of asking her to watch the kids when we go out, we ask her to come with us where we are going. And when she asks me to come do errands with her or whatever, she always makes sure it is even with quality time doing something fun and rewarding. As it is naturally reciprocal it works.

Nobody asks for too much, and each of us know the limits of the other. So while I still don’t agree that friendships are based upon favours, I do see how it can be a benefit of friendship without being friends with benefits! Haha I think the favours should be the result of the friendship though, not the reason.

I am certainly not friends with this person because she has the ability, time and willingness to fix my sink, that was just an added bonus. Nor is she exclusively friends with me for any favours I do for her. The main reason we are friends is because we enjoy spending time together, and I actually don’t think she has too many friends like that. Similar to me, I think she attracts many friends who believe that favours are the purpose of friendship and likely take way more than they give or offer.

My friend and I are probably drawn to these people for mental health reasons like needing to feel needed or having a hero/saviour complex etc…. It isn’t a coincidence that we each attract others like this into our orbit. However the reason we are close is because neither asks, expects or takes too much from the other. Neither one of us holds the ideal that receiving favours or giving them is a core of friendship, but rather being a team and doing what it takes along the way, within reason.

If you happen to be like many of my friends who are in a position to ask a little more than they would like (and I do understand nobody loves asking or leaning on others) then make sure you know what your friends love language is and that you are giving them that in equal measure. Because if your friend is like me, telling yourself you would repay the favour if they asked isn’t enough. If they don’t need acts of service, what do they need and how can you provide it?

Favours are not the fabric of friendship, even if they are a pretty design on the fabric. Any friendships built with the fabric of favours will disintegrate as soon as your needs change. Please keep in mind friendship is the benefit of friends, and favours are a limited bonus.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are Friendships Motivating?

In January my husband and I took the kids on a 10 day pacific cruise. It was wonderful and relaxing and exciting after all those years of cancelled cruises. For some people, cruising life is just too slow. But that is one of the things I enjoy about it! Lounging around, no commitments and no chores. Just worrying about where to eat. I was going to say when to eat, but you’re always eating on a cruise! Haha

We did however, fork out for the internet so we could keep up with the people at home. My mother is also an avid cruiser and she liked to hear about our daily adventures and see pictures. The kids could also keep in touch with their friends, and game with them, or watch their precious influencer videos! My husband could keep downloading endless books to read, or new phone games like suduko so he could win the morning challenge! Lol

So it’s a way to disconnect, while staying somewhat connected. I heard from the people I expected to hear from, while others were happy to wait for our return or just to like the pics on Facebook. However, towards the end of the cruise, I received a touching message from a close friend that simply said “I miss you.” It surprised me, if I am honest, and although touching, I didn’t quite know what to say. We were only gone for 2 weeks and I had been keeping in touch here and there….

Before I responded I paused to give thought to my friend and what might be going on for her. To be completely honest, my first thought was that this friend and I used to spend practically all the school holidays together. And while I always appreciated the support of my friend helping me entertain the children, especially when she does not have children of her own, it never occurred to me that I was also helping her in some way.

My friend is a teacher, and most of her work friends do have children. Many of them go away over the school holidays or socialise with each other and their kids. Most of my other friends work during the day including over the school holidays. So my friend never had to be lonely in the school holidays after she met me. It was mutually convenient and fulfilling. However, as the kids started to grow up, and as my friend had more nieces and nephews of her own, our time together over the holidays became less and less. Then my friend’s mother moved in with her and they bought a campervan and spent the holidays doing that.

I wont lie, the loss of my friend over the holidays, combined with the kids growing up and not wanting to do the fun things left me feeling lonely and unmotivated. Stuck in the house, I could have used that time to spring clean or organise, but the loneliness and quiet had me ruminating and then distracting myself with Netflix and snacks. I missed my friend terribly, but it never occurred to me to reach out and say so. I assumed she knew, as it came up often in conversation that I struggled over the holidays now. Maybe she never put 2 and 2 together and figured out that I no longer had a support system or someone there to make me feel less alone. And maybe she thought as the kids were older I no longer needed her.

This was probably the first time in years that I was the unavailable one while my friend sat around missing me! And it was kinda nice to know that she did miss me, even if the underlying fear was that it was only because she was bored and typically uses me as a last resort to overcome that issue. I told her it was nice to hear that I was missed, but asked her what was really going on, because she’s not the sentimental type. She said she didn’t really know, as she had heaps to do, but no motivation to do it.

It has long been a bug bear of mine that friends invite me to assist them organise their lives. Come and help me sort paperwork for my taxes, come and have a coffee while I do the ironing, come to the shops with me while I run some errands. I am someone who enjoys quality time, which I don’t tend to feel goes hand in hand with distractions by other things that do not need assistance by me. Nor supervision. I could be at home doing my own chores and errands, and I don’t ask you to come and sit with me while I do them…. That said, I don’t really do them, which is maybe my whole point.

Sometimes just having company, feeling less alone, motivates us to do the things we need to do, and makes them feel more bearable. If I was available, I probably could have gone to my friends house to assist her prepare for the return of school, making labels and classroom decorations. I could have helped her set up the room, went with her to buy supplies or made helpful suggestions. But without someone there to connect with, to help and to take an interest, or even just be there, my friend lacked motivation to do much at all.

And I am probably just the same. I don’t like the idea of inviting friends to help me organise the house, as I would much rather go out to the cinemas and lunch and avoid it altogether. Which doesn’t upset me as a messy house is just where I appear to feel comfortable. Whereas others cannot relax until it is done. I used to wonder if they never had thoughts and ruminations, but of course they do. Housework is either a distraction from it or something to do mindlessly while they ruminate. And having someone there is an effective strategy to stop this rumination. And I used it in the school holidays.

Planning outings for the kids and my friends everyday, made sure we were all connected, entertained and having a good time. But ever since my friend had kinda stopped hanging out with us on the holidays I lost motivation to do much at all. Which is fine with the kids, but it is insightful none the less. We need to feel connected to feel motivated. Loneliness and isolation prevent us from doing the things we need to do for ourselves and keep us focussed on those low feelings.

My friend and I discussed this and I told her I had been missing her on the holidays for years now, and it was nice to know she felt the same, but my missing her, and her missing me, wasn’t about the other person at all, it was deeper than that, it was about feeling safe and seen and connected and therefore motivated enough to do the things we each needed to do.

As I write this it is currently school holidays and my friend is away this time and I am at home and I am aware enough to know it isn’t her I miss. It’s the old times, the memories, and the motivation to get out and do fun stuff. Not that I have time to miss her this week anyway as I am babysitting her kitten and our own cat is not too pleased about this development so the kids and I are plenty motivated to referee the cat wars! So next time you are lacking motivation, ask yourself if it is time to phone a friend. Connection may be the key!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Things that make Friendship Sweeter than Easter and Eggs!

1. You can enjoy them all year round.

2. You don’t (usually) have to share your friends with your kids/colleagues/family.

3. You can celebrate friendship regardless of faith/religion/beliefs.

4. While they are moreish, 1 or 2 (or 5) is plenty.

5. You can have as many as you like, the more you have the healthier you feel!

6. If your friend is a good egg, they are sweet on the inside, but good for you.

7. Friendships have no expiration date. (Not visible ones anyway!)

8. Quality friendships are free, if chosen wisely.

9. Nobody has to pretend to be a rabbit, or anything else that they aren’t! You can just be yourself!

10. Friends can share the chocolate, twice the fun and half the calories!

HAPPY EASTER READERS! HOPE YOU CELEBRATE WITH FRIENDS!

Fun Friendly Easter Hunt

Okay, okay, I know we have a few weeks yet til Easter. I know you don’t want to think about it yet and you were annoyed when those hot cross buns started hitting the shelves straight after new year! I get it, honestly, I do. But the reason I am posting this now, is because it takes a bit of preparation to do an awesome easter hunt!

You might use these ideas for your kids or your family, but the best group to do this for is your peers! That way clues can be personal or amusing or adults only themed for a laugh, or they can be hard. If you do a kiddy version the clues have to be easier and less intensive. But it is of course up to you.

It’s the kind of activity where it is easier to work backwards. So you might hide a big egg or box of chocolates or whatever in a locked treasure chest, or even a suitcase used as a treasure chest. Then you place it very clearly in the room with a note on top outlining their quest to find the key or code. The note should contain some sort of clue. Example “Start at the place with windows and space, where you can enter and escape, but there are no doors.” (The answer is keyboard so that will take them to the keyboard where you can place your next clue.)

an example of a clue to start

It is up to you if you want to leave a little chocolate there, or make all the clues chocolate related. You can use props if you have them like diaries with keys that need to be found to unlock the next clue, children’s toy safe’s that need codes to be figured out to be opened. You can be creative and use balloons as colour codes or riddles for codes instead of clues. You can use puzzle boxes and trick locks and all sorts of fun cool tools to take it more to escape room level.

Another great idea is to use google forms to generate the questions so that they have to type in the answers. Beware though if you choose this option it is extremely case sensitive so one word answers are best. You then create a QR code that takes them to each clue to submit their answers. There are plenty of freeqr code generators. This is fun, but time consuming, and I recommend a practise run so you can troubleshoot any mistakes!

They might find a balloon in one place, with a qr code, which eventually takes them to another balloon – but at one puzzle the code might be colours so the answers will depend on them remembering which order they found the balloons, or they might have numbers on the balloons for example.

I find it helpful to draw a kind of flow chart, which starts at point a, has a reference to the clue at point B, then flows to point C etc… And if you are using QR codes, you can literally place them anywhere, like at the park down the road or under the table at the restaurant, even if you only subtly stick it there yourself when you arrive.

Clues can range from personal such as “what year was I born?” so you can get to know each other better or test your knowledge, to riddles where the answer might be “tissue” and then the next clue is in the tissue box. They can have a theme, such as all risqué clues and riddles, or all about a certain topic, movie or era.

Some idea’s I have used in the past include hiding small keys inside frozen heart ice blocks, using a kids toy jewellery box that you create a colour code to open, a diary where you need a password to open it. I have done red white and green balloons with numbers on them and a clue about the Italian flag, so they had to put the colours in order to get the code. I have used luggage locks both with a key and with a code. I have used puzzles so they have to solve the puzzle to get the answer. I have used mirror text clues, and picture clues and word maze clues.

I have had endings where the key is actually in my coat pocket, or their handbag for example all along. I have done ones in the house and ones on the road where I plant the codes as we go, if we are going from place to place.

I have even usually got hints, that are also clues and riddles, though easier to solve. Some clues have rhymed, some are timed, some are blind! (Braille)

What helps is thinking about where you want to sequence the clues, and then thinking of riddles or things that will bring them to that spot.. So if you want the second clue location to be mailbox, you can find a clue where the answer is mailbox and then place a locked diary in the mailbox with a qr or clue on top that will tell them to leave no stone unturned in searching for the key. Because maybe you have placed a key inside a fake stone at the foot of the mailbox or in the stone garden? Once they find the key, they can open the diary and that contains a clue for the meter box maybe. Anywhere you like!

Phones and chargers can be good for this, just set them so that when they crack the code, the lock screen or screen it opens to is the next clue, and for added effect, have the phone be dead. Then at some point they find a charger, and later on they find a phone and they know they have to plug it in to get the answer.

It’s really fun, it puts the magic back in easter and you get to be like big kids again hunting for eggs left by the easter bunny! But it does take planning, and then you know the answers. But don’t let that fool you. Sometimes it is MORE satisfying for the people who set up the hunt than those doing it!

Have fun with this, and let me know how it goes! I would love any new tips or tricks to try with my friends and family too!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happiest 40th Birthday To You, Schmoo! xx

Well readers, someone very special to me is about to turn 40 somewhere in the next 24 – 48 hours. This person is a lot of things in my life, and is often my muse. This poem post is for you Schmoo.

Sometimes you’re my child,
As I spoil you with gifts,
Sometimes you’re my counsellor,
When I’m plagued with “What If’s?”

Sometimes your my mother,
Pulling me back in line,
Sometimes you’re my teacher,
New life lessons all the time.

Sometimes you’re my lightness,
When my world feels heavy and dark,
Sometimes you’re my jester,
When I’ve lost my spark.

Sometimes you’re my cheerleader,
Encouraging me along,
Sometimes you’re the only place,
Where I feel like I belong.

Sometimes you’re my enemy,
As harsh words fly back and forth,
Sometimes you’re my teammate
As together we’re quite the force.

Sometimes you’re my lover,
Because who doesn’t like to flirt,
Sometimes you’re the main meal,
Although we both prefer dessert.

Sometimes you’re my handyman,
Rocking up with all your tools,
Sometimes you’re my clown,
As we roll around like fools.

Sometimes you’re my date,
We always have such fun,
Sometimes you’re my punching bag,
When I need to hurt someone.

Sometimes you’re my caretaker,
When I am feeling down,
Sometimes you’re my nanny,
When I am out of town.

Sometimes you’re my cleaner,
Because I’m such a mess,
Sometimes you’re my pawn,
In life’s game of chess.

Sometimes you’re my pet,
Providing love and support,
Sometimes you’re my energy,
When I’m running short.

Sometimes you’re my distraction,
When life is all too much,
Sometimes you’re my drug,
When I need a crutch.

Sometimes you’re my muse,
When I’m feeling uninspired,
Sometimes you’re my downer,
When I’m feeling far too wired.

Sometimes you’re my water,
Sustaining all my life,
Sometimes we’re so close,
We call each other wife.

Sometimes you’re my map,
When I’m feeling lost,
Sometimes you’re my director,
When I need a boss.

Sometimes you’re my blanket,
When I’m feeling cold.
Sometimes you’re my sister,
When I need a hand to hold.

Sometimes you’re my tissue,
When I just need to cry,
Sometimes you’re my motivator,
Willing me to try.

Sometimes you’re my love,
When it’s got no place to go,
Sometimes you’re my yes,
When you’d much rather be a no.

Sometimes you’re my safety net,
When I’m feeling scared,
Sometimes you’re my mirror,
When my soul is bared.

Sometimes you’re my diary,
All my secrets shared,
Sometimes you’re my escape,
When I’m pulling out my hair.

Sometimes you’re my dancefloor,
When I want to bust a move,
Sometimes you’re my jumpstart,
When I’ve lost my groove.

Sometimes you’re my youth,
When I’m feeling naughty,
Sometimes you’re my oldest friend,
Especially now you’re 40!

Sometimes you’re my everything,
Other times you’re not.
Every time you are my friend,
The best one that I’ve got!

Thank you for your friendship
I hope it never ends,
I know I am your sometimes too,
Because we are best friends.

Happy Freaking 40th, my Fabulous Fantastic Friend. I know I am very fortunate to call you a friend. Every. Single. Time.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Thank you for being whale beneath my wings!! hahahaha <3

To buy this painting head to https://www.icanvas.com/canvas-print/elephant-on-whale-coc36#1PC6-40x26

How to cope after the Fri-Ending.

Well readers, most of my loyal fans and followers found this site when they went through a friendship break up, dumping or ghosting. So I hope it helps to know you are not alone. However, what would help more perhaps, was some tips on coping and surviving this unique heartbreak.

I don’t want to mislead you into thinking any of this will be easy… it won’t be. It will take work, you will fall off the healing wagon at times and take as many backwards steps as forwards ones initially…. But as time goes on, and your heart slowly heals, you will start making so much progress you barely notice any more. I know that is hard to believe right now.

And that is ok, because the first step is the most natural one. Allow yourself to be sad. Don’t tell yourself it is silly or stop yourself from talking about this or it will weigh on you longer and fester. Let it all out. Find a trusted person to talk to or even a therapist and listen to your heart as it bleeds out the pain. Talk about how betrayed you feel, how angry, hurt, sad and confused you are.

It will be hard not to dwell on what happened or why, and accept that you may never know why. Try to refrain from blaming yourself. If you had said or done something to upset or hurt your friend, and they wanted you to fix the issue, they could have brought it up with you. At this point it was their choice not to. And you have to respect that this is their choice to make and their boundary to draw, even if you don’t understand why.

Of course, you may have been the one to instigate the break, or maybe it was mutual. This advice still stands for you as I know it still hurts just as much. It’s just that you are less likely to get hung up on the why’s, as you probably have a fair idea already. And when you don’t know why, it is easier to hate and blame yourself.

Either way this is unproductive. It doesn’t matter why, because if they wanted you to apologise or fix it or be better, they would have offered you that opportunity. As they haven’t, all you can do is know you would have tried, if you’d understood the problem, and accept they didn’t want to try. You can’t control this, but it can help you stop blaming yourself. It is ok to be angry about this and feel it is unjust!

That said, as you explore these issues, if you do contemplate things you may have said or done, or didn’t say and do, that may have contributed to the split, be open to exploring those, and using them as tools to reflect on how to be better in the future. Not being defensive and justifying those actions, but thinking of ways you could handle things differently in the future. You weren’t perfect, nobody is, so if there are things you could work on, it makes sense to try, so you don’t end up in this predicament again!

Once you feel you have talked it out (preferably to impartial persons not common friends as this puts them in a very uncomfortable and difficult position) start focussing on your health. Redirect your thoughts away from them as much as possible and onto yourself. How to look after yourself, be that exercise more, eat healthily, have more time with your family, rest more, and do more things you enjoy. It is important to start feeling good about yourself again, before you embark on the next step.

Which is putting yourself back out there and getting social again with other people. New friends, old friends, family friends. It is ok to start smiling again and realising that you are going to be ok. You can have fun and friendships still, and you will be happy, one day at a time. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, you will think about this person less, and it won’t hurt anymore when you do think of them.

Which is when you know you have reached the final stage. This involves acceptance and forgiveness. This means you have reached a point where you understand their choice was about themselves and not yourself. That although you think you would have handled things differently, you know that this was their capacity, and you forgive them for not being better.

It doesn’t mean running into them won’t sting, or that you will be able to be mature and say hello. I hope you can, however, pretending you didn’t see each other to keep the peace is acceptable too. What it means, is that you no longer feel a need for answers, that if you hear about them through mutual friends, you feel happy for them, or nothing much at all, and you just think of them as someone you used to know.

The most important thing, apart from not blaming yourself, is to not involve mutual friends. Especially if you want to hold on to those connections. People instinctively want to stay out of these sorts of drama’s that aren’t their business and will pull away from anyone who tries to drag them into it. Similarly, they will not appreciate feeling pressured to take sides. So if you do happen to have a wide network of extended friends, then the best you can do is to tell them that you and your ex friend are not on good terms right now, so you would appreciate that topic of conversation being avoided, and that you respect their connection with the other person. This is applicable no matter which party you are. Neither should rally the troops against the other.

If it happened to be a group friendship… prepare yourself for the trips or nights out that don’t include you on social media. Unfollow anyone posting that stuff and refrain from looking it up yourself. It will only hurt you. The mature approach is to remind yourself that of course these friends will still catch up, and it is best for everyone that you both aren’t there. But there is no reason you can’t coordinate your own get togethers without them either. If the group are interested in maintaining both friendships, this shouldn’t be a problem. If they aren’t, then you have your answer and you move on quietly with your dignity intact!

I will close this post the same way I opened it. You are not alone. It is hard to talk about friendship endings as there is no real language, but it hurts and your feelings are still valid. The reason this blog exists is because I have been through it. So I know you will get through it too, even though I know you will have times that you don’t know how this could be true!

If you’re going through this right now, I truly am sorry. Whatever age or stage of life you are in, this happens to the best of us. There is no way to know if you will ever be friends again, but just know you will be ok whatever happens in the end.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends who love and accept you, just the way you are.

I have posted before about making friends with people who bring out the best in you, and being mindful of the fun, but also dark friendships that tend to maybe bring out the worst in you too. I stand by those posts, however, today I want to talk about the friends who always love and accept you just the way you are.

These are the friends who know your new year’s resolution is always to hit the gym, but they don’t love you any less, if you don’t do it. They certainly encourage you if you do. They do not sabotage you. But if you decide not to stick with it, they don’t pressure you either. It is your life and they are not invested in the change, because they love you either way.

These are the friends who know you have a short temper when you are stressed, but they still give you the honest truth when it isn’t what you want to hear, and don’t hate you if you get cranky about it. They’re not your punching bag, but they also understand sometimes you get mad, and they aren’t scared off by that, or by you. They love you, all of you, the pro’s and cons.

These are the friends who support you when you need it. They listen to you and validate your feelings even when they are a bit extreme and the ones who help you when you are in a bind, just because they can, not because they get anything out of it.

These are the friends who are not embarrassed when you order a hot chocolate because you don’t like coffee or the friends who dance with you on the dance floor even though you are as unco-ordinated as a baby giraffe!

These are the friends who sit with you when you are sad and don’t tell you not to be sad. They don’t tell you everything is going to be ok. If they can’t help you fix it, they sit with you until you are ready to smile again.

These are the friends who laugh with you even when you aren’t that funny, and not at you when other people are laughing at you. They cry with you too.

These are the friends who don’t call you needy or insecure, but ask you how they can better meet your needs so you can feel more secure. They offer reassurance when you need it and care enough to try.

These are the friends who read you like a book. They tell you that you are just predictable, but nothing is predictable without first spending time observing and investing in it. They have invested.

These are the friends who hang out with you when you are broke, who are happy to just go for a drive or sit on your couch and watch tv. The friends with whom the silence is comfortable.

These are the friends you can talk about anything and everything with. They wont judge you when you have horrible spiteful thoughts and wont care if you have your pyjamas on. They have seen you dressed up and dressed down and they always have a positive word to say.

These are the friends that are there for you no matter the weather. They have lasted more than a season and seem to be beyond reason. They just like you, no matter what.

These are the friends that proudly tag you on social media, and celebrate your connection publicly, and the ones who like and follow all your stuff no matter how random or boring it is to other people.

These are the friends who know your family and make an effort with them.

These are the friends who notice when you are quiet and reach out to see if you are ok.

These are the friends who know when you are not ok even if you don’t say so.

These are the friends who don’t stomp on your dreams and always find ways to include themselves in your future. They grow with you not from you. These are also the friends who try to understand your past.

If you have friends like these, you have all the friends you need.

I hope you have friends like these. Thank you to mine. You know who you are!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Backwards Step… Moving from more than friends and back again!

Hey loyal readers, as you know, in February we focussed on the friendzone and getting out of it, then last week we talked about how to move your friendship into romantic territory if the confessed feelings were reciprocated and you ventured into new exciting territory. However, as you may well have discovered, the fantasy doesn’t always live up to the reality. So what happens if one of you decides that actually, you were better off as platonic friends? Is there any way back to where you were?

There is good news and bad news here. First of all, it might depend on if this decision was mutual. If you happened to be the person longing for your friend romantically for quite some time, and then all your dreams came true when they said yes… if they then changed their mind, my goodness that will hurt. It will not be easy to transition back into platonic territory. The hurt party may need some space and that in itself can be a true test of friendship.

Friendships are hard to maintain when one person actively needs space from the other, as it has no definite ending and it leaves both of you feeling disconnected and a bit uncertain, so it is easy for not talking for a while can turn into never talking again. For that reason, it is important to try and check in with one another from time to time to show you do care, you are thinking of them and do want to remain friends when both of you are ready. 12 months is a pretty good time frame to take to focus on yourselves and other relationships and allow wounds to heal.

Whether or not you take any space, it will be important to spend less time together. You cannot simply hang out the way you used to and think lack of physical intimacy will be enough. You can’t continue to be each other’s go to person. You can’t be each other’s plus one, even if you used to be before when and if you were friends before you started a romantic relationship. That said, physical intimacy needs to end too. You must maintain clear boundaries.

Boundaries around emotional connection, physical connection, financial connection and time spent all need to be firm. In a past post about moving from friendship to romance, I suggested if you had always watched horror movies on Friday nights for example that you continue to do so. However, in this situation, it is important to break those habits and not continue to do things that you have always done. You need to start breaking apart, and then building a brand new friendship.

It is unlikely you can be close immediately, you will need to be sensitive about certain information, for example if either of you either start dating anyone, or if one is seemingly doing better than the other. Space, boundaries and sensitivity, and starting again slowly and getting to know each other again, all mean that you cannot just “stay friends.”

A break up hurts people, it changes them. So you might not cope the same, you might not recognse each other and you cannot stop each other from growing by insisting that you stay close or stay who you are. If you are really going to  be friends, you each have to feel free to be as you are and grow, while feeling that your friend has no attachment to you being a certain way or expectation of the friendship.

Then, as time goes on you have to create enough space for new partners to come and go, and respect their feelings about you remaining close with your ex. It is ok to stay friends, however if time with your partner is not prioritised because you are always with the ex, and holding space for them and their problems, then the emotional intimacy has not dissipated enough for you to move on.

Essentially, in time this is important. You cannot bounce back to each other as some sort of emotional back up plan, or stand in each other’s way of finding a fulfilling relationship. You cannot block each other from moving on, and that can happen unintentionally if you try to stay too close for comfort.

So if you want to take space and grow a new friendship, that is wonderful. However if you want to hold on incase you never find someone better, hedge your bets so to speak or are frightened to let go because some sort of dependence has developed… you probably can’t stay friends. Because people aren’t security blankets. If you have chosen not to be together, then at least for a time, don’t be.

Then you can grow a beautiful friendship and you might be glad you did. It isn’t impossible, but it does take time, forgiveness, understanding, space, willingness, intent and patience. And often, for someone, swallowing of ego and pride. Only you will know if it is worth the time and effort this takes. And either way, one day, it will be ok, no matter how hard and awkward and painful and scary it might all feel as you navigate it.

Remember, this was a risk you took when you deviated from the platonic path to begin with to explore a romantic relationship. There are no guarantees. But you decided it was worth the risk, so now it’s time to see if that is true! Good Luck.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Moving from Friends to More than Friends

Ok, so this being the month of love, we have talked about the friendzone. But what if you are one of the lucky people out there who confessed their love to their best friend and actually had your dreams come true when they said they actually did feel the same way? What now? How do you transition into something more?

You’d always dreamed it would be amazing and effortless and you’d just fall into one another’s arms and melt time away with magical kisses and romantic dates right? And yet, in reality, acting differently toward your friend can actually feel really bloody awkward! For a start you are probably excited and want to tell your bestie…. Except they already know. So who will you talk to now?

Step one, find a new friendship to level up, as you need someone to talk to and vent to. The idea that you will never need more or never fall out with your perfect person is about to evaporate, and you may start seeing benefits of being just friends that you could not see when you were busy hoping for more. Not that I am saying your relationship is doomed to fail, but I wouldn’t go putting all your friendship and relationship eggs all in that same one basket.

This adjustment, as you both turn and share with other people, may be the first hurdle to jump as you transition into a relationship and it is normal to miss feeling like you were always the person they confided in and turned to. But it is also normal and healthy to nurture other connections and grow a new level of trust that wasn’t necessary before.

The next thing is to take your new boo out on a date! You have probably been out a million times before, but yet this time it might feel really strange and a bit awkward. Can you hold their hand? Should you? Yes, you should, because it is all too easy for the relationship to stall if you coast on easy street and rest on your withstanding friendship to carry you through. If you don’t act differently, you wont feel differently and you will just kind of stay stuck calling it a relationship but not actually behaving as though it is one. So bring flowers, dress nice and confidently initiate physical touch and flirtation.

It is normal to feel a little embarrassed about flirting in this manner, even if you have always been flirtatious. There is a difference between banter for a laugh and actual flirting that leads to more! But do it anyway, that little rush of embarrassment is just because you care. Your friend liked you based on who you are as a friend, so those nerves come from feeling unsure if they will still like you in this new light! Remember you don’t know if you will like them either, so just see what happens!

The last thing to remember is to have fun! If there are things you always did, then still do those things. If you always watched horror movies on Friday nights, then do that. You don’t have to replace old patterns with new ones, you just have to grow them to include more romance and intimacy. If you suddenly always have heavy discussions about the relationship, then it might start to feel too heavy and not enjoyable like it used to be and that fun is what created the spark in the first place!

I can’t promise it will all work out to happily ever after, but at least you know you can always transition back to being just friends again if the romance fizzles…. Or can you? Stay tuned next week to find out!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Getting Out Of The Friendzone

Ok, so the week before my GALentines/PALentines post, we touched on the friendzone. In that post, I said that there was no escaping this, and that stands true. So how can this post be about getting out of the friendzone if it is not possible? Am I about to contradict myself and offer you some false hope? Unfortunately, no, I am not.

This post is about removing yourself from the friendzone rather than escaping it. At first glance, these 2 things sound remarkably similar, don’t they? However, on further investigation they are actually quite different.

If you  were drawn to this article, I have it on pretty good authority that you currently live in your own torturous hell of wondering if your friend likes you romantically in the ways you like them. You might be high on a cocktail of hope and despair, or even making up lies we tell ourselves to fuel the hope. These lies include telling yourself that your friend is just scared to admit they have feelings for you, or that they aren’t ready for a relationship just yet, but when they are, you will be up for consideration and being a great friend until then will increase your chances.

All this does is exchange a dream of future happiness that is unlikely to eventuate, for happiness you could be experiencing right now. And that is the difference between removing yourself from the friendzone and escaping it. Removing yourself entails letting go of the fantasy that one day you and your friend will end up together, and accepting that you won’t. The odds aren’t in your favour and your life isn’t a rom com. Sorry.

I know you think you CAN’T let go. If only your pesky feelings would go away, then maybe you could move on? But in reality, you can let go, you just don’t want to. You have idolised this person and romanticised your friendship so much that anything less than the amazing bond you share with your friend just wouldn’t be as exciting or intense. Do you know why? Because fantasy is always better than reality. But we can’t live there.

So, then, HOW do you let go? It won’t be easy. I know that. But it will be worth it, and you might be able to maintain the friendship too, if you are committed enough to letting the feelings go. What you have to do, is take all that amazing love you have about your friend, and how amazing it would be if they loved you back, and start loving yourself that way. Catch your thoughts. When you think thoughts like “Her hair is amazing” redirect yourself to remind yourself what you love about you. When you feel butterflies at his touch, remind yourself how much you want to feel those things with someone who is just as excited about you in return.

This repeated action should cure your affliction for your friend without tarnishing your relationship. It doesn’t ask you to focus on the negatives, but simply to remind yourself that you are awesome too and deserve someone who notices that and does not leave you guessing.

Sometimes in order to fully let go, you might have to disclose your feelings to your friend, as a way to release them or as a way to hear the painful truth and put all hope to rest. Sometimes you may need to take space from them to hurt. Sometimes you may part ways. But it doesn’t have to be that way if you just redirect your thoughts away from your friend. And as soon as you do, I bet you will notice all the other potentially wonderful and available people out there who could be right for you.

Currently you are closing yourself to any potential and it is making YOU unavailable. Try not to judge your friend for not having feelings and definitely don’t blame yourself either. At some point a friend of yours may one day have feelings for you too that you don’t reciprocate, so handle yourself with as much grace as you would hope if you had to let a friend down romantically.

If you find yourself spiralling into dak thoughts like “I am too fat, nobody will love me” those are just your insecurities challenging you. You can take some time to work on yourself if you think you could lose a bit of weight. Not because someone else will like you better, but because you will like you better. Not to mention that the better you look and feel, the higher quality of mate you might attract too.

At the end of the day, you actually put yourself in the friendzone by refusing to let go of hope that your friendship will be more than it is, and you have the ability to remove yourself too. Letting go will hurt. It will. I know it will. But that hurt will end. It will. I know it will. If you stay where you are, it wont end, and that will be your choice.

I know there are many reasons we choose to stay in the friendzone or use it as an escape from reality, and that is fine if it is an informed choice and you are not playing the victim and hurting yourself. But if you are, then it’s time to remove yourself instead of staying stuck. 

Remember, the reason fantasy is better than reality, is because it isn’t real. You will never wake up in the arms of a fantasy. So reality is better, even though that doesn’t always feel true. Feelings aren’t facts. Facts are facts.

I wish you strength whatever path you travel, because either way, you’re going to need it my friend!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

GALentines or PALentines Day! (Again!!)

Well, how quickly this time of year has rolled around once more. A time to celebrate our friends, our friendships and acknowledge that they are just as valuable as connections as any other romantic or familial relationship!

Every year on the 13th of February, I advocate the handing out of yellow roses to your friends, in honour of your friendship, just as I deliver mine to my nearest and dearest too. For some people, a gift, a meal, a card, a heartfelt message or a favour granted feel more appropriate as ways to celebrate their friends.

There is no right or wrong way, as long as you take pause to consider your friends, what they bring to your life, how important they are to you and find a way to let them know, and if possible spend a little time together.

This year, I discovered my phone does this cool thing whereby it pulls up all the images of a person if you click on it, scroll down and select their face. Then you hit show more, and it creates a little video to a tune of all the pictures of that person or you and that person together. You can choose happy or upbeat instrumental music, to sad, sentimental or chill music. Then you just save it to your phone and send it to them.

I can’t get enough of this feature. How simple to send to a friend to celebrate your friendship, remember your good times together and relive memories! It is like a virtual scrapbook! Who doesn’t love a good friendship collage or scrapbook!

If a collage is more your thing, I use an app called PicCollage that lets you select photos, layout, background and some stickers for free. I sent one to my mother-in-law for mother’s day this year as she has done a few pic collages around her house and she loved it.

If you prefer a slideshow to a meaningful licenced song, then I use an app called Movavi and it is awesome as it lets you select a song from your phone library, select any photos and videos you want to use, add cool effects, movement of the clips, how long you want each picture to display for and in which order. This is an awesome way to make a meaningful clip of your friendship to whatever song you and your friend love, or what feels meaningful to you.

Failing that, there is always the free meme generator imgflip so you can use a private photo of your mate and yourself with some hilarious caption, memory, or  warm sentiments.

The point is to get creative, have some fun, and show your friend something really personalised to let them know they were worth some time and effort even if you never seem to be able to find time together as often as you would like.

The only rule is to send it on the 13th of Feb, the day before Valentines because it is more important, and to make sure it says Happy GALentines or PALentines Day. Their challenge, should they choose to accept it is to return the sentiment and pay it forward to other friends.

I can’t do this without all of you. This celebration is important and it needs to take off. It is inclusive of singles and all ages and it is as fun as it is sentimental. So please celebrate this occasion somehow with your friends, and please come back to this post on Facebook and share with us how you did!

Happy GALentines or PALentines day folks! I am off to deliver my yellow roses old school style, cos I am so old! haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

February! The month of love…. Unless you are in the friendzone? Can you escape or avoid this?

I can’t quite believe it is February already, when and how did this happen? I am still getting used to the idea that it is 2023 and yet here we are rolling into February. I am lucky enough to have found my perfect match and as such I have someone to celebrate Valentines with. Or not. Because it isn’t really a big deal, particularly when you have been together nearly 15 years. But I remember it seemed like a big deal, when I did not have someone to share it with.

If you are single this February, you might be feeling alone, lonely or like the only single person still alive. The older you are, the truer this feels, although on this particular day, nobody is excluded from the acute awareness of their non partnered status. As I have single friends, I know some of them still feel this pain to this day. That is part of the reason celebrating GAL-entines day became important to me. Because it offers inclusion for those feeling a bit lonely, it offers love and care, even if it is of the platonic variety. That still matters.  Nobody wants to feel unloved.

But being totally alone, is probably better than being an almost. I have been an almost many many times before I met my husband, and I have had unrequited feelings for friends of mine almost my whole life, being more queer than my hetero friends. So, despite my current status, I definitely know the pain and anguish of the friendzone.

The over thinking every sentence, every gesture, every look. Hoping to see reciprocation. Waiting for them to realise they were in love with you all along. Wondering if they secretly feel it too but are too frightened to say so for some reason. Feeling elated at every flirtatious laugh or comment and deflated at every ignored text or discussions about people they do have feelings for. It is a torture, partly of your own making.

You could tell them of course, and many do. Sometimes it makes things awkward, and you have to accept point blank that they do not feel the same way. Sometimes the ambiguity fuels them and things ger more confusing. Sometimes you part ways. But at least you are not tortured anymore by thinking about what could’ve been when in reality it was what could never be at all? Asking them if they feel the same way is sometimes the only way out of the situation, although often not in the ways you had hoped.

Is there ever a way out of the friendzone? Not usually. If someone doesn’t think of you that way or feel attracted to you, for whatever reason, it wont change. If you watch shows like Married at First Sight and other dating type reality shows, you will see a pretty big percentage of them who say that first time they lay eyes on their partner that “they weren’t what they expected or hoped for, or weren’t their usual type…” that the feelings almost never develop. The most they can be is friends.

So while there isn’t really a way out of the friendzone, if you find yourself there quite a lot, it might be time to ask yourself why that is. Not because there is something inherently wrong or undesirable about you, but because there is certainly a way to avoid being in the friendzone to begin with. And that is to not pretend you only want to be friends with people you want more with.

Say you meet someone on a dating website and you are really into them and hope to form a relationship and they say “I like to take things slow, can we get to know each other as friends first?” You can be upfront then and there, no matter how attracted you are to them and say “I am happy to take things slow, however I don’t want to be just friends, I would like to date you romantically, and if you aren’t open to that then I’ll have to pass.”

Alternatively, are you friend zoning yourself? For example if you have met someone on an app and you are talking, are you being flirty or friendly? When you meet up, are you intentional about your body language or passive? Do you wait for them to kiss you at the end of the date, or go in for the kiss yourself? I know this is scary territory, especially if you feel insecure or worry secretly that this person is out of your league, but if you have not given them any indication that you are interested in more than friends, maybe they assumed you weren’t

Sometimes you might end up in this situation as a defence mechanism, always attracted to someone unavailable to avoid putting yourself out there and facing possible rejection, and other times perhaps it is because in reality you are also unavailable in your life in some way, and this way you don’t have to make room for someone?

Lastly it can be because the fantasy of someone is better than the reality and somewhere deep down you know you like the idea of them, the fantasy of what you have more than the reality. It is one thing to daydream about your best friend and the connection you have with them, but quite another to actually be with them and deal with their crazy!

My advice is not to become friends with people you find attractive and not to play with any feelings of attractions that may arise once you are already friends if this hits you by surprise unless you are pretty certain they feel the same way. The Nickelback song don’t ever let it end comes to mind. “I know she feels the same way, because she told me drunk on her birthday… but I’m tired of pretending yet I’m terrified of it ending We can laugh as we both pretend, that we’re not in love and we’re just good friends…”

Most of the time we friendzone ourselves, by agreeing to less than we wanted to begin with, by not being clear about what we felt early on, or by selecting people who will by default be unavailable like me with my penchant for straight women or women who always seem to be in love with the handsome married doctor, or the larger, average man who will only date supermodel women for example.) Or simply by idolising people who are good friends and not recognising that this doesn’t always translate into being a good partner or being romantically compatible.

If you are in the friendzone this Valentines day, I have one piece of good news for you. GALentines (or PAL-entines for more inclusion) is my next post, the event falls on 13 Feb, and that is your chance to show your true feelings with a Rose, maybe don’t go for yellow! Be Bold, go Red or go home!

Tune in next week for GAL or PAL-entines post!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

STOP!!!

When the pot can’t see it’s reflection in the kettle!

I have a friend who calls me, and we often stay on the line for up to an hour. The conversations meander, aren’t usually particularly urgent or necessary, except to keep in touch, update each other on our lives and vent about life. I support this notion, we all need people to talk to about everything and nothing. The conversations may not be important, but the bond they create is.

However on New Year’s Eve I found myself particularly annoyed at something my friend said, or rather something she didn’t realise she was saying, or implying during the conversation. She was venting to me about one of her other close friends, how they seem to be growing apart and how let down she was that they didn’t attend a yearly event she hosts when they always have attended in the past. To add salt to the wound, instead they chose to attend someone else’s event.

I understand this hurts, and I understand it, although I have never found myself on the invite list to this particular event. I know there are logical reasons behind this, and should I wish to attend I would not be turned away, but I just sometimes feel it is unwise for my friend to complain to me about this without considering how I might feel that I myself was never invited.

Anyway, I digress. My friend was let down and I understood this and held space for that feeling, validating it and also reassuring her that I am sure her friend didn’t intend to be hurtful although their actions were somewhat careless. They didn’t even inform her they weren’t coming, and that isn’t right. That’s fair. My friend went on to say that she had no new years plans and she had asked this friend and they said they had a dinner reservation with someone else. She was hurt not to be invited, although they did say maybe they would come and visit her after dinner. An idea she scoffed at.

This isn’t the first time she has complained about this person in her life being a bit less than satisfying as a friend at times. They are actually quite close, however she often feels neglected, pushed aside or a bit like a back up plan for this person; an afterthought. When they have nothing better to do. Overall I have to assume this doesn’t bother my friend as much as she makes out, or she only sees each individual offence (not the bigger picture) as they continue their friendship and I doubt she ever holds them accountable for this behaviour.

So I said to my friend that while myself and my family also had no plans for new year’s, she was welcome to join us for dinner, and we could play some games or watch a movie or something. I should say that I knew she wouldn’t come. I wasn’t hanging on her being there. It was not an important or exciting invitation. However, if she didn’t want to be alone, the offer was there. Once she ascertained that we were not going out as I had said we may visit an outdoor cinema, and that nothing exciting was on offer for dinner….  She declined, as I thought she would and thanked me for the invitation. That in itself was mildly offensive as I still believe had we been doing something or putting on a feast, she would have come.

But then she went on to say without invitation that she knew she could always come to us if she got really desperate (that is a direct quote) and just had to get out the house and not be alone, but she had hoped that she would be invited to something with the other crowd. I did not ask if her other friend did stop over after dinner that night, but the implication was clear, that waiting around for a possible visit from them was better than being welcomed with us.

I did hold my friend to account on this matter and let her know I found it offensive. Not only because of this one event, but because there have been several times when the middle of our plans together somehow got interrupted by the beginning of theirs. If this person calls, she wants to make it happen, no matter what, despite the fact that they are not as good or loyal as a friend to her as I am. In fact it may even be because they are not as good. Treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen certainly seems to be working for her friend in question!

So although my friend tried to apologise and explain her way out of this predicament, and I was able to laugh it off and let it go because it really wasn’t an important invitation of mine she declined, I still think she didn’t see my bigger point that she was complaining to me about someone being a bit of a crappy friend to her when she was in that exact moment doing the same thing to me! Human nature is fascinating isn’t it?

It’s quite common that the things that upset us in other people are actually the same things that we do to others. I wonder why that is? Even now, I bet someone reading this is probably thinking I have done this to them. I probably have. Which is why I have a sense of humour about it and am able to let it go. Apart from this blog, that is. Haha

So my point is, don’t be the pot calling the kettle black. If you are complaining to someone about poor treatment towards you, perhaps make sure you haven’t treated them in the same poor manner first? And be careful of talking too much about your other friends, and your plans with them. For a start it becomes pretty obvious who is more important to you and it usually isn’t the person to whom you are talking…. And it can also rub salt into wounds you may not even realise exist. Your friend may be feeling excluded and rejected and wondering why they aren’t good enough to make it onto your invite list or be someone you want to spend new years with. Or they may just decide to cut their losses and stop inviting you, on those times when you are desperate. And you’ll only realise what you had when it was too late.

It’s good to have a friend with whom you can talk about anything and everything… but just because you can, doesn’t mean you should….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

To Give The Gift, or Not To Give The Gift?

Gifting. For some of us, it is a love language. Some people love to lavish people they care for with gifts, and others love to receive gifts as tokens of appreciation. Many, but not all people who consider gifting a love language of theirs, enjoy giving and receiving gifts equally. There will always be those of us who prefer to give more than receive, and those of us who prefer to receive more than we give. Then there are others amongst us, who actually find the whole thing quite unnecessary and uncomfortable.

When first getting to know someone, this can easily become an issue. If you love to gift, you might accidentally overwhelm the recipient and make them feel badly that they didn’t or aren’t able to reciprocate. Alternatively, they may gift you with a really thoughtful item, while you may have gifted them a more generic item such as a travel mug filled with chocolates. This can leave things feeling unbalanced and like one person’s effort or expectation or investment is higher than the others. It can make one or both parties feel in some way indebted to the other. A debt they did not sign up for.

Who would have thought the simple act of giving a gift could be so complicated and fraught with miscommunication? And it can become even more complicated? What happens if the gift you were intending to give has somehow expired it’s time. For example, a Christmas gift that is sitting under your tree ungifted because you didn’t see that friend in time? Or a gift for an ex colleague purchased when you were still working together but you haven’t really kept in touch since they left? Or worse, a thoughtful and or expensive gift to someone, that you purchased when you were close friends, and have since become more distant with or fallen out with all together?

In all these scenarios, the question of to gift, or not to gift, becomes pretty prominent. Will it send the wrong message? Does it set expectations too high? Is it in line with a gift you would expect to give or receive from someone you haven’t known well, or long? Is it too much? Is it enough? Does it still reflect your true feelings or investment in the person and your relationship as it did at the time it was purchased or crafted?

Readers, if in doubt, I urge you to err on the side of caution and not gift! I know you mean well, honestly. Your intentions were kind, but if you find yourself asking the question, feeling unsure, then your answer is no. Unless you are certain, do not proceed. Especially if you tend to be a bit of an over giver.  Because this only sets you and everyone around you up to fail and for you to feel taken advantage of.

I have made this mistake myself, so I know how easy it can be to get caught up in the festivities or to fight the urge to buy that perfect gift that you saw, which probably was a bit much but you just knew they would love it! Because even if they love the item, the debt they incur as a result can feel totally suffocating. Even if you intended to impress and draw them in closer, it may have the adverse affect and scare them away.

Even if you hoped the gift would serve as some sort of reconciliation, your gift may be rejected. Or worse still, it may be accepted with no effort to reconcile. It may even be seen as a desperate attempt to buy their affections. In reality, a true friend should not be swayed on their feelings about you by what material things you offer them.

If they really like you and want you in their life, then they will make time and space for you regardless, and if they don’t then they never will anyway. So save your time, money and energy on gifting until you know a person well enough to know how they feel about gifting and what their love languages actually are. You might save yourself some grief in the meantime. You don’t have to prove your worth or reward people for being in your life with anything but the gift of continuing to show up for them as the fabulous friend that you are!

To gift or not to gift? Your friendship is a gift and that should be enough.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If you want to buy this cute greeting card, here is the link:

https://www.rosiemadeathing.co.uk/product/gift-enough-2/

Reaching out to an old friend after a long lapse.

Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes you don’t necessarily fall out with a friend as much as the friendship just fades away into the background or fizzles out to nothing. Sometimes this can last for months or years. And it can be awkward to know, are you still friends? Is it ok to reach out? Should you just act like nothing happened? Could you? Or do you need to offer excuses and explanations on how and why you unofficially parted ways?

I think this depends on your circumstances. If you can reflect on why you grew apart for that time, what makes you think it might be different now? What do you miss about your friend or your friendship? Do you think you or they have changed enough to make the friendship more viable now? How close were you to begin with? How sudden was the lapse? Did you just ghost one day or slowly stop reaching out to each other in what felt like natural ways to each of you? Do you think your friend was hurt? Was it them or you who pulled away first or more?  

The next set of questions to ask yourself are about what you hope or expect to happen if you do reach out. Are you comfortable with just exchanging an email update and not catching up in person? Or do you wish to resume a more time intensive connection similar to what you shared before? Are those expectations reasonable? Did you move away from your friend in favour of other friends, only to go crawling back when that didn’t work out in your favour? Are you prepared to be accountable for this and have you learned a lesson? Or if this is what happened to you, are you prepared to forgive and forget and try again?

Sometimes life does just take you off on your own paths and there is no animosity and often life will also bring you back together again in similarly natural ways. For example maybe you were close while you were studying, but became less close as you took on jobs and partners and mortgages. Then you later learn you both had a baby around the same time or moved to the same area or work for the same company and things naturally re-spark.

However, sometimes you have to be more forward in bringing about the change yourself. It could be that you saw something that reminded you of them and you suddenly felt an urge to get in touch. Or social media prompted you with a memory and you started feeling nostalgic, realising that you missed them more than you care to realise. Or perhaps you are going through a hard time and they were always the one person who knew exactly what you needed even when you didn’t know yourself.

Maybe you don’t really know how or why life got in the way and you stopped being intentional about your friend, but you would like to start being intentional again.

Once you have understood what happened, what you expect or hope to happen, your own intentions and how much you have to offer moving forward, the next step is actually reaching out. And there is only one answer to this – just do it! The general idea is that in person is always better, but in these circumstances I actually feel perhaps an email, letter or text message of some sort is better.

This allows your friend time to read and respond to you if they want to, in their own time, having given thought to their own thoughts and feelings and hopes and expectations. Give your friend time to process and respond before you give up hope. Don’t give them an ultimatum, such as, if I don’t hear from you in a week I will assume you no longer want to be friends, try to leave it  open ended such as hoping to hear from you if you ever get time.

Tell your friend about your life, what has changed, what has happened in your time apart. Acknowledge that you do not know what is happening in their own life, and you would be interested to hear if they are willing to share. Definitely tell them that you have missed them and thought about them at times, (only if that is true) and you wondered if they had felt similarly. If you feel you owe them an apology, offer it, and if you want to offer an explanation, try and keep it brief and light. Remember, you want to move forward not spend too much time looking back.

Close the communication by thanking them for their time and your years of friendship. Tell them you still have fond memories and always will, regardless of the outcome, and that you wish them nothing but the best, and hope they are happy and healthy in life.

If they do not respond, respect that. I am not saying you can never try again, but give it a while before you do try again and do not try more than 2 or 3 times to resume communication. No response is a response.

Then move forward, slowly and rebuild. Accept that your friendship has to be a new one, it cannot just go back to being the way that it was. You have to get to know one another slowly, reform connections and build up momentum and trust. Or alternatively, move on alone and put that effort towards building a new friendship which could be as epic as your old one, even without a shared history.

But ultimately, the only way to reach out after a long lapse, is really to take the plunge and press send. Then wait and see!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Couple Goals for Frouples! (Friend Couples!)

Welcome to January and 2023 folks! Do you have any new years resolutions? If you’re anything like me, they’re probably the same ones you always set but never achieve? Lol Some people are great at setting goals and achieving them all by themselves, while others of us do better when we are part of a team, working towards a common goal. This might be because we don’t want to let other people down, or it might be because we are competitive or it might be because we do better when someone is there holding us accountable to those goals.

Whichever category you fall into, setting some combined or common goals can be a great way to strengthen your friendship and to achieve things you might not otherwise achieve. It doesn’t matter if the goal is work oriented, life oriented, travel or financial based or some sort of health and fitness goal.

You could set these goals with one friend, or a few at a time. Depends on how much you think you can commit to as a whole without impacting your life and  your time too heavily. You may decide to plan and save for a girly getaway at the end of the year with one friend, committing to putting aside $100 a week towards it each, while with another friend you agree to go early morning walking twice a week for a year and do your measurements and record them for one another once a month.

Similarly you may agree to do a weekly evening dinner with a friendly colleague to work and brainstorm, or even to do the weekly catch up but no discussing work. Or you may decide to try a new hobby together, take a class or learn a language together. Perhaps if you were both single you could agree to swipe for one another or go on at least one double date a month. If you are married with kids maybe one Saturday a month you agree to have each other’s kids, or get together to clean one house then the other the following fortnight.

These are all just suggestions, of course you will know what is important to you or what you would like to achieve, and which friends might be the right ones to join you in support. It gives each of you a reward at the end, and each of you a chance to be the motivator when the other gets low or loses interest. It also keeps you accountable to doing what you said you would do, or the other person could lose their reward.

It could bring you closer as you spend more time collaborating on your plans and orchestrating them, and allows each of you to really see and understand your strengths and weaknesses. It also highlights what motivates each of you so you can better support each other in all areas of your lives.

Of course, it isn’t without its risks. If someone does drop the ball the other party could be hurt, or you may find that their lack of motivation at times fuels your own and you could easily both give up. Which is why you have to commit to the goal, set a time period, and commit to being positive and staying on track when the other person feels like giving up. You also have to commit to checking in to make sure the goal is still achievable and if it isn’t, how to adjust it to meet the circumstances. For example putting aside less money and going on a less expensive trip, or changing the days/times you meet etc….

All goals do require commitment and accountability but also flexibility and fun. Nobody will commit to something  that is making them miserable without much reward, so it is a good excuse to also be setting yourselves up for success with rewards along the way and enjoyment mixed with encouragement and ways to meet the goals instead of excuses not to!

At the end of the day, there is no guarantee that this will work. Most resolutions fail for a reason. But it might be worth a try. It might even be fun and  you might even benefit if you do happen to have success?

What are your goals this year? Could a friend help you achieve them? What are your friends goals? Could you help them get success?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx