Lessons this New Year, or just Less?

Happy new year readers! Usually these posts are filled with resolutions, more goals to meet, more things to do, more ways to be more productive. But I actually don’t believe more is the answer. Perhaps sometimes, less is more? Perhaps your new year goal should be to do less, to be less and to expect less. Of yourself and of others.

Maybe some of us even need to be less? Gosh, that doesn’t sound good! I know that. People who love you will and should love all of you. But if 2022 hit you with the same message it hit me with, it was definitely that I am too much for some people.

The email I sent the teacher, was too long and overwhelmed her. The gift I got a friend was “too much” and made her feel bad somehow. My size was too big, I needed to take up less room. My feelings were an over-reaction, they needed to be toned down. I reply to messages too fast and too often. I am too nice. I try too hard. And for whatever reason, it is really off putting to a lot of people!

I stand by being too much. 100%. I am who I am. I have a lot to offer and I will offer it. The right people for me will love how much I am. They may get overwhelmed by me occasionally, but they will persevere because they know I am worth it. They understand my intentions are good. And they know at the times that I am too much, that is because of their own issues. They have less to offer, so accepting my generosity makes them feel a pressure to reciprocate in kind.

I don’t expect reciprocation in kind. I let the people who love me, show their affection in ways that are natural and congruent with themselves. I don’t expect them to be over the top even if I am. That said, then that makes the other party feel like I am putting in more than they are. That I am being a better friend, and so inadvertently I make people feel bad about themselves and their level of friendship by being too much.

So instead of kind of insisting that I should be able to be as much as I like, perhaps 2023 is the year to work on being as much as someone else can handle. Meeting them only at the level to which they feel comfortable and reciprocating their investment instead of making them feel bad that they can’t reach where I am at. That would not mean being any less of myself. It would mean giving less of myself. It sounds simple, and yet it is an area I struggle with.

This is because I like giving. I like making people feel good about themselves. And, if I am honest, I like feeling as though I am offering something of value that might make them not want to leave me. But all of those statements are about me and what I like. So if I am blindly giving to people and making them feel badly about themselves despite my best intentions, then I am not being kind at all am I?

If I always pick up the bill, then they feel like they are cheap or gold digging. If I always over gift then their genuine gifting efforts look measly. If I always do things for them but never need help myself, then they feel like they are using me. If I always hug hello and goodbye but they don’t, then they feel cold. If I always have positive things to say, they might feel like they are wrong for speaking up about any discomfort.

In a way, being too much is my insurance policy against people leaving. But it has the unfortunate effect of trapping people in a situation where they have no reason to leave and yet an inexplicable desire to escape!

So this year I want to try to do less. I intend to sit back and see what the people in my life bring to the table and meet them there. Instead of me making all the effort and them struggling to reciprocate, I will let them make the effort and that will tell me what level they can handle.

They can make plans with me. Everyone can pay for themselves. If they give me a handmade gift I will do the same. If they don’t do gifts, I wont either. If they don’t message or call, I will let silence fall comfortably until they do. I already know I am enough without the bells and whistles.

So my new years resolution is just to be me, more gently and quietly, and see who is there for that, and let go of anyone who really did just want the bells and whistles. They aren’t my people anyway.

That said, I will still value the people who keep up the pace without me initiating. I still am too much. I still have a lot to give and I still want to give it. I’ll just make sure I give it in return to those who earn it this year, and learn not to burn the rest.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Merry Christmas to my Family, Friends, Fans and Followers

Hello loyal Readers, '

Thank you for another year of support. I hope you all continue to enjoy, read, share, like, and follow my posts in 2023 and beyond.

I am sure most of you have lots of last minute things to organise for Christmas, as do I , despite my best efforts and tips and tricks to get prepared for Christmas these past few months! So I wont waste your time on a lengthy post today!

This one goes out to all my procrastinators out there!

Check out my post from 2020 here if you are looking for some Christmas memes to send to family and friends!

Merry Christmas to you all.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Cute Christmas Foods to Impress Your Friends

It doesn’t matter if you are hosting a holiday party or not, almost every year there will be some reason why you are required to bring a plate or prepare a plate. Maybe your kid has to bring a plate to class or the playgroup is doing a cute kiddies lunch. Maybe you are invited to an annual potluck party, or everyone in the office is bringing an informal Christmas lunch to share around. If you are like me and not great in the kitchen, then this post is for you. Most of these cute food ideas are actually quite simple, yet manage to look impressive!

Christmas pudding biscuits

Ok, so you buy a packet of those chocolate covered biscuits with marshmallow on top of the base, drizzle white icing or chocolate over the top, add 2 red Smarties or M&M’s, and a mint leaf lolly cut in half. They are quick and easy to prepare, and super cute too.

https://theorganisedhousewife.com.au/recipes/christmas-recipes/christmas-treats/cheats-mini-christmas-puddings/

Rudolph Caramel Tarts

All you need is store bought caramel tarts, pretzels, a marshmallow and some sort of red candy stuck on with icing or white melted chocolate and you have an adorable Christmas themed dessert!

https://www.daringcoco.com/2014/12/food-porn-thursdays-rudolph-reindeer.html

Savory candy cane platter

Tomato and crackers platter arranged to look like a giant candy cane. One cracker, one slice of tomato, repeat into the shape! Simple, savory and effective.

https://www.hy-vee.com/recipes-ideas/recipes/candy-cane-caprese

Christmas tree salad.

Arrange your lettuce underneath to vaguely represent the shape of a Christmas tree. Add mini tomatos, arranged as baubles or lights, with yellow or green tomatoes or peppers, sprinkle with bacon and cheese. Make a star shape out of cheese for the top. Place gifts made of capsicum squares at the bottom, piped with spray cheese and there you have it!

https://twohealthykitchens.com/chicken-cobb-christmas-tree-holiday-salad/

Candy Cane Place holders.

Stick 3 small candy canes together upside down so that each one faces a different direction and add in a business card sized cardboard either with guest names or gift names. Each person can take one home when they leave!

https://www.mrfood.com/Candy/Candy-Cane-Place-Card-Holders

Christmas cake

If you like traditional fruit Christmas cake, buy one already iced, or if you prefer another flavour, any white iced cake will do. Arrange green candies on the cake in the shape of a triangle, adding a different colour sporadically to represent a light or decoration. Add a star lolly at the top and maybe a liquorice base for the pot and the cake just became a Christmas cake!

If you are a little bit more skilled you can cover a washed and dried leaf with melted white chocolate with green food colouring in it. Make it a thickish layer. Leave it to set and peel the leaf off. This can also work with leaves you drew and cut out on baking paper. When you peel the backing away, you are left with a chocolate leaf. 3 of those with some red candies in the middle make for a great holly decoration.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/79938962119800852/

https://www.glutenfreealchemist.com/christmas-cake-decorating-tips-25-icing-ideas/

Fruit Salad Santa Hats

Cut large strawberries at both ends. Slice a banana. Put a strawberry on the banana slice, and add a tiny bit of white icing or a mini marshmallow to the top and you have cute little healthy dessert platter.

https://happyhealthymama.com/strawberry-banana-santa-hats.html

These are just a few of the ideas, but they will wow your friends and you can whip them up at the last minute without looking lazy. And it will distract them from the fact that you didn’t really cook anything or put in any effort, without going  totally store bought. Alternatively just get the store bought option, nobody really cares if it tastes good! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Gift alternatives for friends that are hard to buy for.

Some people are hard to buy for. Some people buy for themselves whatever they need. Some people have tastes that exceed your budget. Some people are environmentally conscious or prefer not to receive gifts for many given reasons. Some people hate clutter or find the whole gift giving thing a big commercialised rort. Some people don’t like to receive because they cannot afford to reciprocate. So this post is to give a few suggestions for what to give if you are low on funds, or if they don’t like gifts or you just don’t really know what to give them but want to acknowledge the occasion and your friendship.

Donations to Charity

Even if the person in question hates this idea, they are unlikely to say so! But it works better if you consider a charity that is close to your friends heart or has impacted them in some way and make a donation in their name or with reference to them. Someone might like you to buy or name a star, with the funds going to research to space, or someone else may appreciate a donation to the breast cancer foundation if they lost someone or know someone suffering from the condition.

Entries into competitions.

Many magazines and shopping centres do promotional prizes at this time of year. Nominate them as a best friend, buy a raffle ticket in their name, buy a lotto ticket or scratchy, or do all of the above. Tell them that is your plan and to accept any winnings from anything even if they don’t recall entering!

Vouchers for experiences or services.

These can be store gift cards, a voucher for a massage or pedicure, or a car detailing. But they don’t have to be commercial. You can make up your own free vouchers for them to use. You could do monthly coupons and what you put in them is up to you! A coffee date one month, you washing their car another, you buying them an ice-cream or treating them to a movie. A dinner at your house or fresh baked cake or cookies by you. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive, but it serves as a way to catch up all year round and lets them know you took extra care creating this personalised set up.

The photo slideshow video.

This one takes preparation in advance. All year, commit to taking photos of your friend. Some with you, some with their family or pets, some silly, some serious. If you are long term friends you may have enough of these to start, but if you want to do this every year, you need consistent new material. Research a song that suits your friendship or a Christmas song or even a Christmas Friendship song. Compile all the photos you like of your friend and you or their people and make it into a slide show to pop into their inbox on Christmas eve or Christmas morning to send them love and cheer. You can personalise it with captions, or send a nice message along with it. Your friend is sure to love it and play it with whomever sits around their table this year. There are plenty of easy apps that can do this for you from your phone, or you could even go old school and just make a collage! Either with printed pictures or digitally.

Memberships and subscriptions

If you don’t know what your friend wants for Christmas but you know they love cheese or barbequing, then there are clubs and subscriptions you can join them up for where they get a different cheese or spice delivered each month to try. There are beauty ones and health ones and pet ones. Whatever they like, you can probably find a subscription club. Or there are literal magazines. Or maybe they have a gym membership you could pay for a year, a car registration or a theatre club that would get them cheap tickets to their local cinema or theatre. A pay TV subscription, or Christmas hamper thing. There are limitless options here. And most people love the idea but wouldn’t buy it for themselves. Maybe your parents would like Netflix but don’t know how to set it up or are funny about automatic online billing or just don’t want to pay for TV?

Letter of Love

Sometimes there is simply nothing better than receiving a heartfelt card or letter, expressing exactly how you feel, gratitude, shared memories, apologies, laughter and tears. When it comes down to it, we all want to feel appreciated and valued and loved. Many people feel a bit down at this time of year, and just to know they are thought of and regarded warmly, remembered, is all it takes to put some joy and warmth back into their heart. It doesn’t have to be long, but it has to have meaning. If you miss them say so, but follow through on seeing them or keeping in touch more. If you don’t ever see or speak to them then send this sentiment as though you are best friends, it may fall on deaf ears or seem ingenuine. So make it real and make it matter.

Whatever you choose to do this year for your friends, make sure you are thinking of them and their interests not things you would like for yourself. And if you are an on-gifter be very careful the things you gifted are sealed and complete, do not have notes on them from the person who gifted to you and did not come from the same person you are on-gifting it to! Please also try and make sure it is something they like or want, otherwise it is best donated to charity.

If you have other ideas to add to the list, I’d love to hear them in the comments section below!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas Traditions With Friends

Most of us have family traditions at Christmas. They might be minimal like always serving mums potato salad or trifle, or obvious like always opening gifts on Christmas morning. Some of them may be quite specific to your family to honour the memory of a loved one, or specific to your culture like celebrating on Christmas eve. But there are other’s of us who perhaps don’t have family, who would very much enjoy ways to get involved in traditions and build up to the day. Or there are just those of us who get so excited about Christmas that we want to find ways to celebrate with more people.

There is also a large percentage of people who find it all very overwhelming and stressful, and would love to make traditions with friends to celebrate whilst also helping each other get stuff done! There is no right or wrong way, and no real reason is needed. You don’t even need to say you want to start a tradition, but you may find if it is successful, it may become one regardless!

Here are some annual ideas that may become traditions with friends!

Christmas baking day.

Either you all get together and spend the day baking, drinking wine, listening to Christmas music, sharing recipes and tips and bake all sorts of puddings and pies, cookies and slices and whatever else needs to be made. Or each of you takes control of one recipe and you make big batches and share them out between you.

Gift Wrapping Party

This is a day where you all get together with gift wrap and sticky tape and labels and scissors and ribbons and boxes and bows. You all bring a suitcase of presents. One suitcase at a time, you help wrap and label each other’s gifts. It can be done all in one night or one night a week per load of gifts. You can have stations with one person cutting paper, one person wrapping, one person writing labels and one person adding tags and bows. Or each person can do all of the above and if there are 4 of you for example, then there will be 4 presents at a time being wrapped! Bonus points if you each swap “Santa Labels.” So person 4 writes the labels for person 1, person one writes them for person 2 etc…. This can be done in advance and does not need to be number specific. Just write a whole roll of 100 labels divided by how many kids/family members will be receiving Santa gifts as directed by your friend. Left overs can be used for next year.

Decorating days

This one kind of requires either a yearly or weekly rotation whereby you each visit one members house and help them assemble and decorate their tree, and otherwise decorate. Brownie points if it also includes a group effort to pack them all away.

Shopping Days

Who doesn’t love a shopping trip with friends? You each come with lists prepared and get shopping. Maybe one person buys all the things from Target and the other from the toy store. Or maybe it is easier to go together to each shop. Before you leave, you have a coffee, check off those lists and brainstorm ideas if anyone is a bit stuck. Try and make sure it is all done by the time you head home.

Movie Night

I cannot be the only person who loves Christmas Movies? Maybe you have a classic you watch every year or like to watch a new one every year, but after all that preparation, I think you and your friends deserve a fun chill night just watching a movie and getting into the Christmas Spirit! You can have snacks and drinks and takeaway, whatever makes the night as fun and easy as possible.

Look at the lights

I know many people save this treasured activity for Christmas Eve, but as the lights tend to appear in early December, why not take advantage of that, get a group together and burn a few extra calories in preparation for the festivities? Go for a stroll in the most lit up neighbourhood, take selfies and group pictures. Take hilarious silly snaps of someone kissing Santa or someone photobombing that nativity scene. Compare notes and get ideas for things you might like to include in your own display if you have one or how to start small if you don’t but you would like to try. You could even do a stroll once a week in everyone’s local neighbourhood if you’re really keen, or do a city lights tour if you have one available.

Carols by Candlelight.

It doesn’t matter if you are religious or not, carols by candlelight can be a fun and festive way to spend an evening as a group or a couple. The music and the atmosphere and the magic. You can bring a picnic if you live in warmer climates or hot cocoa and coffee if it is cold where you live at Christmas. You can sing along, or dance, or just enjoy the music, letting it flood over you and fill you with that excitement and joy this season brings.

Volunteer work.

Hampers need to be delivered to the needy. Gifts for children and food for families. Homeless shelters need people to collect and cook and serve meals. Clothing drives. Whatever your way of giving back to the community is, almost all charities need a little extra at this time of year. Pet food and blankets for the animal shelters that quickly fill each January, or a simple gift under the charity tree for a 10 year old boy. Fundraisers. Assistance for the elderly who have nobody at this time of year. There are so many ways to give back, that I am sure you could all get together once a year, pick a charity to help with and donate your time.

Pamper session.

This one has to be a favourite of mine. Whether you make someone’s home into a day spa for the day, and give each other makeovers, facial, manicures and pedicures, massages and more, or if you hire a professional or go to a spa…. most of us do end up doing the nails and hair and facials etc before Xmas anyway so why not do it together? If you go somewhere you may even get a group discount! Book early!

Remember, you can do all or none, a combination of a few, or chop and change each year depending on your circumstance. But if we all come together, even the grinchiest of people feel a little happier at this time of year, because sharing is caring and it takes a village!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ten Reasons To Be Thankful For Your Friendships This Thanksgiving!

I know you are grateful for your friends already, especially if you have good friends. I encourage you to reach out to your friends individually to let them know just how thankful you are to have them in your life. This post is about being thankful for friendships in general. Past, present and future! Here are 10 of the best things about friendships!

1.      They keep your secrets.

Right from grade school when your friend didn’t tell the teacher that it was you who took the cookie off her desk, to high school when they didn’t tell anyone about that time you asked out your crush and were rejected, through to adult life when they didn’t tell anyone the secret with much bigger consequences. It’s unlikely these were the same friend, but each of them had your back when you needed it, was there for you and laughed with you, not at you.

2.      They support you.

Not only don’t your friends judge you, they actively support you. Think of the friend who lent you her designer suit for that interview, or the friend who picks up your kid from school when you are sick and can’t go yourself. The friend who answers no matter what time you call and the friend who is full of endless encouragement and belief in you even when your belief in yourself is running low.

3.      Loving you.

Some friendships are full of roses and expressions of love endlessly, whereas others are more stoic. But a true friend loves you and you feel that. Think of that time they surprised you with tickets to your favourite band, or how you are always the first person they want to spend time with. Think of the hugs and the tears of pain and laughter shared. Your friends have loved you in just the ways you needed when nobody else could.

4.      The Good Times

Most of our favourite memories involve our friends. Childhood memories and adult memories alike, friends are what has made life fun. Evenings in and evenings out, events and parties and concerts. Laughing endlessly at nothing an everything. Making good decisions that turned out bad and making bad decisions that made amusing memories. Think of photos and the big cheesy grins and being your full unfiltered self. Friendships are worth their weight in gold for the good times alone.

5.      Choosing you.

Your friends didn’t love you because they had to, but because of all the strangers waiting to become potential friends, they loved you the best! Then they kept on choosing you for as long as it lasted. Even if it didn’t last forever, it feels pretty awesome to be chosen at all!

 6.      Growing with you

Friendships that have lasted, will have morphed and changed. You will have grown as a person and so will your friend, and your friendship will have grown and stretched to allow each of you the freedom to be yourselves independently while still staying connected. It may have grown through being at different colleges, dating different people, through different careers, marriages and kids, or even through living in different countries. Friendships that grow with you always fit!

7.      Teaching you.

Regardless of how much parents and teaches try to guide and teach us, some of the most important lessons about love and life come from your friendships. They hurt sometimes and you have to navigate that. You learn accountability and honesty and communication and about expectations. They teach you about your limits and peer pressure and acceptance. Friendships are not practise for other relationships (romantic or professional) but they do allow us to build the foundations we need to read other people,  be appropriate and empathetic and tactful. Where would we be without those life skills?

8.      Listening to you.

Friends are the people who listen to us the most, because they are the ones we talk to the most. They hold space for you to be who you are and feel what you feel. They don’t solve problems for you or judge you, they just act as a sounding board for crazy ideas, heartbreak, venting and anger, and just general random conversation so you don’t feel alone.  They don’t tire of hearing you talk about the same things over and over, they are just happy to be there for you and have you be there to listen to them in return. Feelings and thoughts can be overwhelming when kept inside, so a friendship is the safest place to air them!

9.      Forgiveness.

In a true deep friendship, there is inevitably times when you let each other down. When you mess up and really hurt someone as a result. Not only do these friendships allow you to feel safe in learning to be humble and apologise, they also offer forgiveness in ways that soothe the soul. They do this because they know you and they know the good in you and they believe that you didn’t mean to hurt them. They also teach you to forgive too, as you realise how much better forgiveness feels than grudges and anger.

10.   Acceptance.

Friendships offer a sense of acceptance that helps us accept ourselves. Our parents might not accept our career choices, sexuality or lifestyle, size, partner or many other things, but friendships tend to take you as you are. And in that beautiful acceptance of theirs, you learn to accept yourself just the way you are. To see your good qualities, to see what you have accomplished and to just be there with you wherever you are on your journey.

There is so much to be thankful for about friendships. They bring so much happiness and peace. So please give thanks to your friends today and acknowledge all your friendships and how they influenced the person you are today. Chances are you wouldn’t be the same without them!

Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for being a friend, family member, fan or follower. I am truly grateful.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Festive Friendship Advent Calendars!

As a young child I cherished the December advent calendar. I loved searching for the number, opening it and devouring the cheap chocolate inside. I loved looking at it to see if it was a wreath or a candlestick, or a snowman or a Christmas tree. I loved counting down how many more sleeps until the big day. As I got older, mum got us the fabric ones and let us choose which chocolates we could put in them. I do this with my kids too, and they just love carefully choosing which chocolates they will want to enjoy each morning!

But last year my friend did up a few personalised advent calendars and I loved this idea! She included a chocolate, a small perfume or nail care item and a Christmas joke in each day. Hers were in paper bags labelled 1-25. You could use a premade wooden box, envelopes, paper bags, a cloth calendar… the options are endless.

So you’re on board with this idea and loved it as much as I did…. Except you don’t really know what to put in it? Well I have come up with 30 ideas to help you out. You could make them all the same, or put a different thing on each day, the choice is completely up to you!

1.      My favourite idea is to get each of your friends family and their friends to write something nice about your friend so they have 25 nice quotes to read each day. Make it more fun by making them guess who said what!

2.      $1 scratchy lotto cards.

 3.      Write some of your favourite memories of you and your friend together.

 4.      Words of encouragement.

 5.      Proverbs.

 6.      Sweet treats.

 7.      Sample or travel sized toiletries.

 8.      Jewellery.

 9.      Small tools.

 10.   Mini or sample sized scents.

 11.   Tea light candles.

 12.   Oils for burning.

 13.   Hair accessories.

 14.   Stationery items.

 15.   Makeup.

 16.   Lip balm or gloss.

 17.   Purse mirror.

 18.    Nail polish.

 19.   Nail Care set.

 20.   Nail file.

 21.   Tweezers.

 22.   Coins.

 23.   Magic Beans.

https://www.facebook.com/MagicBeansAustralia

 24.   Quotes about friendship.

 25.   Funny friendship or Christmas memes.

 26.   Photo’s of the 2 of you together.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash

 27.   Stickers.

 28.   Mini alcohol bottles.

 29.   Tea/coffee/hot chocolate.

 30.   Vouchers or coupons.

https://www.catchmyparty.com/vendors/product/christmas-gift-certificate-template-printable-christmas

You could easily mix and match like my friend did, including a few things each day, make it budget friendly, and work up to the things you think they would love the most towards the end. Not only does it help you both get in the spirit of Christmas, but it shows effort and care in the lead up to the busy and silly season so your friend knows you care, even if you can’t spare much time for them when December rolls around.

Hope you have as much fun with this idea as I am! Get working on it now though, so it is ready for the 1st December which is rolling around fast!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Tips and Templates for Newsletters or Letters to send to friends at Christmas

I once knew someone who would periodically send out updates on their lives in the form of a family newsletter. Although it has never been my style, it definitely did spark an idea that once a year, yourself and your family could pose for a few silly pics in Christmas costumes and add them to a format used to send to your family and friends near and far. A one size fits all kind of approach.

You could have sections for each member of the family, with their picture, a quote from them about how they are feeling about the festive season and a general update about their lives, achievements, struggles and progress throughout the year. If you are brave enough, you could even task those old enough with writing their own section.

Other segments could include a few favourite jokes, memes, recipes, activities like word searches or crosswords. Enough to fill a page, without too much effort of trying to think of what to write.

https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/free-christmas-letter-templates-1356285

Another favourite of mine is to find funny puns on the internet and weave them into a letter. Open with some sort of personal and maybe somewhat offensive joke that they will understand, then go on to apologise and say that you are sorry for making that joke when you know they already have so much on their plate at this time of year, literally!

Then go on to say that you thought of doing one of those advent calendars where each of your friends writes something nice about you, but that they didn’t have enough friends, or not with anything nice to say at least.

The next should be a joke at your own expense like how you know they only hang out with you to feel better about themselves, because compared to you they are a genius, but not smart enough to walk away.

Make a joke about how you enjoy that your presence in their life is rewarded with presents (if you are gift exchangers) This can open for you to mention your gifts are better than Santa’s because they don’t believe in Santa, which is just as well because Santa doesn’t believe in them either!

Close with a sentiment about how their friendship is a gift, optional joke about you being under the tree because you’re the best gift in their life, and how much you look forward to another year of love and laughter together.

These letters are for your funny light hearted friends – know your audience first! A theme can make the jokes funnier, depending on what you and your friend joke about the most. If you are teachers, you may fill it with funny jokes relating to that. If you are both bigger people and joke about that then that can be a theme. If you are both dark and make puns about how your dreams are dead and you have no other friends, that can be a theme. If you aren’t sure though, err on the side of caution, as you want it to be well received.

The last one is of course, a nice letter, filled with positive sentiments about how much you value them, all the ways they have added to your life, your favourite memory for the year with them, a photo of you both, something you are looking forward to sharing in the next year with them and a sentiment about being much older together too. It needs to be generic enough to be interchangeable as a template, but specific enough that they don’t feel it was generic! For ideas or sentiments check out this post.

There are no rules, use google to find jokes and quotes that you like, screenshot them for yourself and figure out ways to round them up nicely into sentences. Or use the templates provided! Have Fun!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas is Coming! Time to get Festive Friends! Five Festive Lists to Live by.

Ok, I know so many of you aren’t ready for this onslaught of festive cheer. The Grinches among us are scowling. But part of the reason they don’t like Christmas could be all the stress and pressure the holiday creates. The way to combat that, dear readers, is to get organised in advance! And that starts in your own mind.

What I want you to do is start listing! Open a notebook, or the notes section of your phone and start 5 different pages.

The first list is for all the family and friends for whom you will be giving a gift or card or celebration. Don’t forget to include a secret Santa if that is likely to be part of your work Christmas party and a few spare people – can be called spares on your list, that’s fine. Count how many people you have, so you know how many people you will be shopping for.

The next list is called budget. List all your paydays between now and Xmas. There will be alarmingly few already, because it really is soon, as much you hate me for pointing it out. Figure out how much money you can put aside for gifts, not food, per pay. Multiply that amount by the amount of pays, and divide that answer by the number of people on your list for a rough budget of what you can afford to spend. Example, by now we have only 4 pays left in our household before Xmas. If we can save $250 per pay for gifts, then that is $250 x 4 = $1000. If I have 20 people on my list that would be $1000/20 = $50 per gift. (This is an example only, yours is likely to be less than $1000 and hopefully less than 20 people.)

Now figure out how much you can afford to put aside for food per pay. From here, I want you to start buying a small item or 2 for the day in with your weekly shopping too. Anything from napkins to decorations to tinned or dried fruits, long life creams or custards. Just start stocking up. Make sure you do put money aside for bigger items like the turkey or ham and trimmings that need to be fresh.

The next list for your notepad is gift ideas. If you don’t want to make this a separate list, it is ok to go back to your first list and start jotting down ideas next to each person on the list, keeping your budget in mind. Remember, you aren’t committing to these ideas yet, just jot down things you know that person might like that you can afford. Keep the list on you so if you see something on the list, you can purchase it and tick it off the list. Personally I find it easier to use cash for this, so you know exactly how much you have and how much you have spent and it isn’t eating into the rest of your money that you need for everyday essentials. If you are looking for gift ideas, check out my previous posts here, and follow the other links in that post for more tips and tricks.

Your next list is about who is getting a card or an email from you to wish them well. Again you will want a list of people, and next to their names I want you to jot down a category or 2 of sentiments you wish to write for them.  Some may be light and funny, some may be generic, some may be sentimental and others may be heavy. It depends both on your relationship with the person and what that person’s year has been like. If you are looking for specific words and examples of each category, check out this post I wrote a last year. Or if sending a funny meme or 2 is more your style, then these memes may help.

Your last list is a breakdown of your time! You need to mentally make some time to go shopping for the gifts and cards, write them, wrap them and deliver them. You might choose to focus on one person per evening, or try and do 5 every weekend. You may choose to do cards all at once on your day off, or buy and wrap every gift on the same day. Whatever way you choose to do it, make sure you leave yourself ample time to get it all done. Your goal, ideally is to be ready for Christmas by December, so then you can focus on yourself, food and house decorations, party and event planning and costumes. All the gifting and card writing will be done and you will have plenty to place under your tree when it is up!

I really hope your heed this advice. I do this every year, and it really is a wonderful tool to help you keep on top of things. Especially if you are like me, and  everyone you know also seems to have a birthday in the first 3 months of the year that will also need your attention so you can’t burn out after Christmas is done!

Happy Listing!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The time to start is now!

Six signs you are spookily in sync

With Halloween fast approaching, I thought it would be fun to do another post about how spooky having a best friend can be. Because it can be difficult to put into words. You feel like 2 people sharing one common mind at times. It can be scary, which I wrote about here!

1.      In jokes

When every second word that comes out of your mouths makes you giggle to the utter confusion of the people around you, you know that you and your friend are connected in ways that are beyond understanding or explanation to the general public.

2.      Body language

When you are sitting in an important meeting together, and you suddenly feel a shift in your friends body language. They look down and away, and you instinctively know if you make eye contact you are both going to lose it laughing. Or when they tell you a funny story, but their arms are crossed and you just know it isn’t actually all that funny because it hurt them.

  3.      Finishing each other’s sentences (or sandwiches!)

Your friend is relaying something to you, and you automatically know the end to the story, or can predict what they said, and routinely jump in with your predictions, or help them out when they forget what they were saying! Or when you just know you’re going to order different things off the menu and share. When you steal chips from their plate and aren’t afraid to eat their leftovers, even if they bit into it first! You know you are pretty comfortable when you swap spit!

  4.      Calling each other at the same time, or calling just when the other was thinking or talking about you!

Ok this one pretty much speaks for itself, but isn’t it uncanny? How did they know? Can they read your mind? Or maybe you are always talking about them?

 5.      Mind Reading or sixth sense

Calling right on cue isn’t the only way you read each other’s minds either. Maybe you were craving pizza and they show up to your house with pizza. Or your outfits totally colour match even though you never discussed what colour to wear.

6.      Secret language

This one is my favourite. I suppose it kind of encompasses all of the above, because between in jokes and body language and facial expressions you can read each other without saying a word. Or by saying a word or phrase that means nothing to everyone else, but means something entirely different to you guys. You may have given code words to people, places or things, or it may just be a glance and you both know exactly what is meant by that, without any explanation needed.

PS if you are looking for fun best friend costume ideas, check out this post from last year!

Happy Halloween folks, hope your friendships are sweeter, scarier and spookily in sync!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends who read you like a book.

It’s a wonderful thing, a friendship so close with a person who can read you like a book. Someone who knows you well enough to predict your moods, your foods and your grooves. Someone who tunes into your tone when you speak, who reads your face without words and who hears your silence just as loudly as your screams.

A friend of mine was recently refinancing her investment property. We were on our way to a ladies night screening of a new movie, and on the way she had to stop at the bank to sign the contract. I accompanied her into the meeting, at her invitation. My friend and the bank manager had the same name, so they were bonding over that. At some point in the meeting I asked the bank lady what my friend’s superannuation balance was, as we had been discussing it the week before. The bank manager looked horrified and asked my friend if it was ok to share such personal information. My friend and I looked at each other with confused looks as she reassured the lady to tell me the info. I made jokes about how she will have to support me in retirement. The bank lady continued to look confused and promptly brought the conversation back to names. She commented that her middle name was Jane and immediately my friend looked at my smirk and said “don’t say it!” I pursed my lips and said “I didn’t say a word.” She replied that she knew what I was thinking. After the meeting, when we were back in the car, we laughed that the banking lady’s initials were BJ, and how much funnier it would have been if her mother had the good sense to give her a middle name starting with J too. Immature? Definitely, but hilarious none the less.

Definitely something this friend and I may banter!

My friend not only knew what I was thinking (because she had the same thought) but she also knew me well enough to tell me not to say it! Just in case. I do try to filter sarcastic comments, but sometimes they do slip out at less than opportune moments because I can’t help myself! Haha She used her experience of me, her knowledge of me to read my facial expression, to notice the shift in my body language and to predict the outcome. If I am upset, she instinctively knows how to cheer me up, and if I start pulling away or getting distant, she knows exactly how much space to give me before pulling me back in. This is a skill. Although not with the same level of precision, I too can sense when my friend is stressed and not saying so, when she needs help but is too independent to ask and when she is in desperate need of a bathroom without a word!

Another friend with whom I share this close quality once messaged to cancel plans claiming a headache. I told her it was fine to cancel, but only if she was going to tell me the real reason. A headache wasn’t out of the question as this friend does suffer migraines….. however I could just sense, even over text that something was off. She admitted she had broken up with her partner and couldn’t face anyone. Although we would usually catch up and talk it through, it was clear she needed some time alone to process it. She asked me how I knew, and I said I just did. I could feel something was off. The tone of her message was off, shorter than normal, and just didn’t sound like her or feel familiar.

That is definitely these friends.

The pros to these friendships are endless, because so much can be communicated without a word, or with a code word or in joke, with a gesture or a look, with a smile or a hug. On the other hand, as my latter friend discovered, it has it’s cons too. You can’t hide from these friends. If something is wrong, they can sense it. You cannot really pull away from them, they will feel your absence and search for you to hold you accountable. They will know when you are lying. They will know when they have upset you even if you are trying to hold it in because you know deep down you are over reacting or feeling extra sensitive. They will see it in your expression if you hate the gift they bought you and they will notice if you grimace when you drink the coffee they made!

They will also know when something they are going to do is likely to upset you. This might be the biggest curse. Because we like to think that if people cared for us they wouldn’t act in ways that they  know would hurt us. So they are more likely to avoid you rather than give you the news, or, alternatively butter you up before hand before delivering the blow. It doesn’t mean they are doing something bad, only something they know you wont love. Getting back with their ex. Having a baby. Moving away. Whatever it is, they are already feeling your pain for you before they have even given you the information so your negative reaction, even if you try to hide it, hits even harder where they already hurt for you.

I guess in these types of friendship you get twice the love and twice the pain, because they are honest and raw and exposed. While honesty is always the best policy, and the only possible policy in these friendships…. Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe that’s where the expression too close for comfort is born?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Best Friend or BPD Favourite Person?

NOTE: I am not a qualified health professional. This piece is not a diagnostic tool, it merely suggests ways of dealing with relationship issues more sensitively if you suspect yourself or your friend may suffer from BPD. Professional therapy for guidance, help and support is recommended.

A lot of people may proclaim that their best friend is indeed their favourite person. It is meant as a term of endearment and is filled with warm sentiments regarding the importance of your best friend in your life. Sometimes though, if your best friend uses this term to describe you, it might be wise to dig a little deeper. People with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) have a strong tendency to form unhealthy dependency on one particular person in their life, clinically referred to as their favourite person. The afflicted individual may or may not realise that they have BPD.

Many people have a misguided belief that a favourite person is always a romantic partner. While this is often the case, it is certainly not exclusively true. It can be a best friend, a teacher, a parent or family member, or even an acquaintance in some extreme instances. A person with BPD doesn’t choose favourite people, usually something their favourite person did or said triggers an intense emotional response in them, which causes an immediate attachment response. As people with BPD typically have felt alone and or unsafe in their childhood, if they encounter someone who creates a feeling of safety, protection, interest or care, they have a tendency to hold onto that person and that perceived safety with everything they have.

This can cause people to pull away from them, which is probably a healthy response, although it will trigger past trauma and be very painful for the sufferer. Sometimes, however, initially it feels like a symbiotic pairing, and an intense friendship quickly ensues. People suffering BPD are described as adult children, seeking a caregiver or parental figure. They don’t feel competent to take care of themselves, physically or emotionally, and so come to depend on favourite people to care for them, offer advice, and emotionally regulate them. Typically the person without BPD can feel that something is off, although it can be hard to explain exactly what it is. Any signs of disengagement is typically met with tantrums and other attention seeking behaviour. One person says best friend, and the other feels almost like a prisoner in the friendship. They can quickly become exhausted. They never signed up to be responsible for their friends care.

Signs to look out for include an intense need for time and attention, followed by accusations, threats of self harm or destructive behaviours and explosive anger when this need is not met. The smallest triggers can trigger intense feelings of rejection and fear. For example if you answer your phone in the middle of them speaking, they may interpret this to mean that they are unimportant to you and that you are bound to leave them. They feel they have been abandoned as children, and therefor struggle to trust that you will not also abandon them. If you happen to be of the same gender, whether or not that person is LGBTIQ, both of you may begin to question their feelings for you, as it can feel like they are in love with you. The truth is, they are somewhat addicted to you, which is entirely different. It is confusing for everyone.

That does not mean the relationships cannot last, although they seldom do. If you suspect you or your friend may be suffering from BPD favourite person syndrome, there are things you can do to better manage the situation, if you genuinely care for each other and want to make it work. The first thing is to be very clear with your communication. If you are expecting a phone call, for example, tell them in advance, and explain that you will have to answer it, and why it is important, and acknowledge that you are telling them because you know they find this behaviour upsetting.

Set boundaries as schedules almost. If you know you will not be available to talk to them on a certain day, communicate to them clearly that they will not hear from you on those days or communicate that you will be available for communication on a certain day or time. It will be important to stick to this however as with most people, inconsistencies between words and actions can induce a level of insecurity. As the person with BPD already lives with crippling insecurity their tolerance for this is already below zero. As they care about you more than they care about themselves, they desperately need you to care about them. Not caring, or abandoning is a fate worse than death and when triggered they can be impulsive and reckless. If you think of this like an addiction, you not being available to them when they need a hit, will throw them into withdrawal. This doesn’t mean you need to always be available, but you need to be clear and consistent with when you will be available. As exhausting as this is for you, remember it is exhausting for them too.

The next thing you can do is help them help themselves. Ensure they have a network outside of just you. Remind and congratulate any efforts to be more self sufficient. Believe in them as they do not believe in themselves. Help them regulate their emotions. If they are upset with you for some small slight that has let them down, repeat back to them what it is that they are feeling and acknowledge that they felt uncared for when you did whatever it was, then reassure them that you do infact care for them. Do not protect them from caring for you. Explain to them that you feel exhausted by their constant need of you and ask them to show you that they care by allowing you not to be perfect with compassion and understanding. If you tell them you will always do your best to answer their messages, and then actually do so, you need to also explain that if they care for you and they want you to be ok, they cannot continue to interpret every unanswered message as abandonment and they must consider the other demands on your time and attention. That they must trust you, as hard as they find that, and learn to tolerate some space and silence or they will push you away.

Lastly, encourage them to seek therapy, and research BPD. Learn to understand your friend, their triggers and the fears and trauma they are dealing with. This will help you with compassion, not to mention that knowledge is power. People suffering BPD make loving and loyal friends, they will go above and beyond for people they care about, are generally highly empathetic, and supportive. All they want in return is the same, and someone they can rely upon. They cannot force you to give more than you have to give, they just have to learn that sometimes giving, and receiving, less is more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Know your friends trauma or stress response.

This week I am drawing on a recent experience with some friends and how knowing their trauma responses helped us avoid what could have easily resulted in conflict between us. Had I not known my friends signals of distress, I may have responded inappropriately and made the stress worse and outcomes far less favourable. Neither situation actually directly involved me, and it was important in both cases not to try and involve myself. However both situations impacted me, gave rise to emotional responses and indeed triggered my own trauma response. This can be tricky to navigate when your response is opposite to that of your friend.

In the first example, my friend was driving us home after a great night out, when we were involved in a car accident. Luckily nobody was seriously hurt, however my friend had just spent a lot of money fixing her car, and it was now quite a wreck. I have always known my friend was quick to anger, and she has learned that I cannot deal with anger and is generally careful not to direct it in my direction. It did not surprise me, therefore, when my friends first reaction to the other driver was angry. She is fight on the fight, flight or freeze spectrum. As I am freeze, I stayed in the car, basically unable to move. The other driver was more of a flight response. She burst into tears, apologised and ran off to call a lifeline, crying hysterically.

I wont lie, I felt for her, I have been on the receiving end of my friend’s anger before and it isn’t a nice place to be, however I was not criticizing my friend’s response, as I was aware she could help it no more than any of us. She was annoyed and she had every right to be annoyed. I should clarify that she was angry, however not aggressive, or threatening, or demeaning. Just a fair amount of profanity and annoyance being expressed, which is fair. However I did take a moment to express concern for the other driver, that I didn’t think she was ok, and my friend tersely reminded me that she herself was not ok. It was a timely reminder that she was experiencing trauma and this was her reaction to it. I did not want to do anything to make it worse, so I delved further into my freeze and said nothing further until it came time to find our way home from the scene without a car.

When we got home, I reflected on all the ways I had not been there for my friend better to show her that I cared. I questioned if she needed me to take control of the situation instead of sitting there like a stunned mullet! I regretted expressing concern for the other driver without recognising she desperately needed my concern. I questioned if there was more she expected of me. But I quickly realised that my friend was always going to have responded angrily and that this was always going to make me uncomfortable, but there was nothing I could have done to make her respond differently and I shouldn’t expect her to. My friend was somewhat cold for the following week, interactions were terse. It was my turn to feel uncared for. When I explored that further though, I recognised my friends pattern of cool distance and space after anger, even with my offers of help and support. I concluded that it wasn’t about me, and making issue of it was not going to help matters. She was still dealing with the after affects, assessing what would happen with her car and alternative transport. She needed space to deal with this. I granted that space.

Had I made issue of her coolness towards me, or demanded more,  we would have come to blows. Had I tried to take control of the situation at the time, I would have been further in her way and angered her more, and probably caused my own withdrawal. Had she not understood my own trauma response, and expected or demanded more of me, I would only have shut down further. She understood I was helpless in that situation and she knew that I would do my best to care and support her, except there was little I could do, apart from not criticize her and empathise with her position. Our understanding and patience with each other, enabled our personalities not to crash and clash as the cars had done.

In the second example, a different friend had some particularly distressing news that left her overwhelmed and anguished and distressed. We were meant to be celebrating my birthday that same day when she rang in floods of tears. She was anxious to express she had nothing to offer for my birthday, that she had plans to go to the shop that morning before our catch up and that she knew she should have done so before that morning. I could sense she was anxious that I would take this as an indication that she didn’t care about me, she had left it to the last minute and didn’t put thought into my birthday when she knew I had planned and purchased her gift months ago and booked and paid for our fancy lunch in advance for that day too. (It was a joint birthday celebration as our birthdays are only a month apart.)

My friend acknowledged it and said she had no explanation to offer. Ordinarily, had I known it was so last minute for her, I may have been hurt, but having known her for a long time and her resource management skills, it wouldn’t have surprised me particularly. We are different, and that is ok. I know she cares about me and I was touched she took the time to address this during a distressing time for her. Of course, under the circumstances none of it mattered and I offered to cancel our fancy lunch knowing I would lose the lunch and the money. It didn’t matter anymore. What she was going through was infinitely more important than me and my silly birthday. She said she needed to see me still that day and talk it out, so we still did go to lunch and I was able to offer her the support and distraction she needed that day. We knew each other well enough to put ourselves aside and show up for one another, without expectation. We knew how to love each other in her own language in that moment, despite the circumstance.

Knowing how your friend responds to trauma, and allowing space for each other to respond and process in their own way and time, without judgement or criticism is paramount in times of crisis or stress. Making allowances, letting things go, seeing the bigger picture and letting your friend be exactly who they are without judgement is key in friendships. Especially in times of stress or distress because that is all they can manage. No matter how uncomfortable it is, the stress will pass and things will get back on track in time, if you can be patient and loving and understanding while the situations at hand resolve themselves. The key is controlling yourself, not the situations or the outcomes. That, and knowing how your friend shows care and feels cared for, what he or she needs in the moment and making it more about them than you, will go a long way!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Staying friends with both parties of a separated pair.

In my life, I have not been blessed with many “couple” friends. However that has at times perhaps been fortunate because if you have been friends with a couple, and then they uncouple, it can certainly be tricky to remain friendly with both sides! And although I have limited experience with this, I have encountered 2 sets of best friends, who ultimately parted ways from one another, which I imagine is still a similar scenario.

In one scenario I lost both initially and one later rekindled, and in the other I maintained both all along. In the first scenario my mistake was perhaps asking them not to discuss each other with me. When they were each experiencing a painful loss that they wanted and needed to discuss, I pushed each of them away somewhat by neglecting to allow them to openly express themselves because it made me feel uncomfortable. In the second instance, I allowed them to talk about it. I was careful not to betray confidences, however did at times try to express the other person’s perspective on the issue, without taking sides.

It was actually quite eye opening to see how one situation could be seen so differently from the 2 people involved, and how each was perfectly sound in their perspective and justifications. There really is 2 sides to every story! This helped me not to take sides. Not that I had wanted or intended to, but sometimes you identify strongly with one side over the other.

While I allowed space for both parties to talk about one another, and their experience of the parting, if they veered off into talking negatively about the other person, I was quick to defend the other person and remind each of them that this is still a friend of mine. I did respect that they did not feel very friendly towards each other, but I was not interested in taking sides no matter how much I could validate their individual emotions and experiences.

The second mistake I made with the first pair was allowing them to put me in the middle, and play off one another. You should not play messenger, you should not interfere and tell either party what they should or shouldn’t do, and you should remain completely impartial instead of leaning heavily on the side of one person or the other. This can be really challenging, especially if one party struggles for quite some time and the other seemingly moves on quite quickly.

Inevitably, a time will come, when they will ask you about the other party, and it can be very challenging to answer some of those questions without breaking loyalties and while being honest at the same time. I didn’t want to lie and say the other person was doing well if they weren’t, but I also didn’t want to rub it in anyone’s face, or conversely make anyone feel bad for whatever their experience was. So I had to learn diplomatic language like “everyone copes differently. These things are never simple” or “it’s important to focus on you right now and not on them!” I know at times these vague responses were not what either party wanted, however, they weren’t untrue and each ultimately respected that I wasn’t prepared to go into detail and it wasn’t really ok to ask!

The final difference in how I handled each situation differently, making one more successful than the other was making equal time and space for each person. If one feels on the outer because you are always with their “ex” they will more naturally pull away from you and possibly assume you are taking sides. If your friends were married with kids, offer your support for babysitting to both parties equally, or offer neither a place to stay for example. Try your best to keep it measured.

I have found after many years, each party still occasionally asks about the other, or fishes for information. I do not shy away from the fact that I maintain contact with them both, and after more time passes, I will give details asked for, and move the conversation along. For example I may say that the ex just got married or had a baby. I will say if someone passed away or someone is unwell. As a general rule I wait for them to bring it up. And even if they both talk about reconciliation, I stay firmly out of that. They know how to contact each other if they want to!

The biggest rule is never to say anything about anyone you wouldn’t want them to know you said. They may indeed reconcile at the end of the day – in which case they are likely to discuss what you said. Stay as neutral and positive as possible. Don’t hint or meddle or offer your thoughts on if they should stay together or not. That is for them to decide!

Being in the middle is never easy, so as much as possible direct each person towards the things you share in common apart from the ex, to distance yourself from that common ground place. Work hard to create new memories, support their growth apart from one another and distract them both as much as possible!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The friendship Zombie

Last week we talked about Ghosting and all the reasons why a friend may choose to exit your life without a word. I wrote that post because “why”  is one of the biggest questions that is typically left on your mind after a ghosting. Once you have reached a certain level of acceptance, but before you reach closure, it is likely the next lingering question on your mind is “will they ever contact me again?”

I can’t answer that question exactly, as I don’t know you, or your friend, or the circumstances. What I can tell you is that if they do enter your life again, the chances re high that they will use a move referred to as the zombie. In short, this means that they just reappear, start talking to you again, almost as if they never left to begin with. If they do acknowledge the absence, typically it will brushed off, taken lightly, and often somehow intended to imply that the silence was mutual and inconsequential. For example, one day they may just message you and say “Hey stranger, long time no speak, how have you been?”

Almost immediately the onus and pressure is on you, to go along with this rouse and pretend everything is fine and you never noticed their absence. How you feel about this might vary from anger, relief, confusion, sadness, elation or even a sense of numbness. You will likely feel conflicted, a range of all these things at once, and I advise you take time to contemplate your response to this. However, it isn’t always possible. Sometimes the person catches you off guard, on the phone, or even in person, typically in public. It might be after a week of silence, a month of silence, a year of silence, or a decade or more.

This robs you of your opportunity to contemplate your response and regulate your emotions. Social pressure may force you to politely conform or your emotions may overwhelm you and you may cry, hug and express sorrow or tell them that you missed them. I want to reassure you that all responses are normal, there is no right or wrong way to react to a zombie. It is also normal to later question, or regret you initial reaction. You weren’t prepared for this! (If this hasn’t happened to you yet, and you think it is possible, formulating your response in your mind may help you feel a sense of control, although whatever you plan to say may well escape your mind at the moment of surprise.)

When this happened to me, I found it somewhat discombobulating to be honest. To say it caught me by surprise is an understatement. My friend and I crossed paths several times every week as we both attended the same organisation. It had been 18 months and for that whole time we had pretended not to see each other. Neither one of us had acknowledged the other. On the odd occasion we were forced to interact, we spoke briefly about only the matter at hand and went our separate ways. I actually found seeing this person at all quite painful, although they seemed, on the surface at least, as if they had completely forgotten we had ever been more than polite strangers to begin with.

Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, they just struck up a casual and unnecessary conversation. They told a joke and I laughed, they told me I was looking good, and they walked away. Initially I felt really good about this, but later when I got home I was annoyed at myself for laughing, for letting them get away with just speaking to me casually, and for letting them believe that I was ok with this. I let it simmer in my mind, and decided they obviously wanted to reconnect, felt badly about our split and didn’t know how to address the issue. I thought they would follow through with something of more substance. All that ensued was more casual conversation. And it angered me more and more. My friend seemed to want us to be casual friendly acquaintances whereas I wasn’t ok with this at all. I wanted us to continue ignoring one another or to reconcile.

More than that, I wanted answers… but honestly what I wanted most was an apology! An acknowledgement of the rift, and some sort of clear plan forward. I did not like this unknown limbo land I had stumbled into and I wanted out of it. I had to sit with this for some time and decide what I wanted. Sift through the confusing and conflicting emotions and decide what I wanted. I could not force my friend to apologise, to reconcile or to give me the explanations and answers I craved. All I could do was either accept it as it was, discontinue engaging or try and pursue more. I reflected that the silence between us had been painful for me, because I had never accepted the ending of us. I had wanted my friend to follow through because I wanted to reconcile. Therefore I had to act in a reconciliatory way.  

For me this meant, I didn’t address the issue head on. I reflected on the things I had thought of during our time apart, the parts I may have played in our parting. My mistakes, things I wished I had handled differently and I knew if I went in hostile, making demands of explanations and apologies, it was counterintuitive to the new friendly tone my friend was trying to create and that I wanted to nurture, ultimately. So I reached out, I apologised, I asked to catch up. We rebuilt, and to be honest, we never really talked much about it ever again. I had to rise above it, let it go and put my ego aside, swallow my pride and realise it was in the past and that is where I wanted to leave it. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

Your case may not be the same. You may decide to disengage, you may decide to ask for answers, you may or may not reconcile. You may be too hurt, offended by the idea they could just walk in and out of your life like it never mattered. I can’t tell you if your friend will ever reach out to you again. You can’t control that. You can only control yourself. So my best advice is to prepare yourself for the zombie apocalypse and how you’d like to respond based on what you would like to happen. Revisit that mindset occasionally to see if your feelings about it change, as it may well do over time. You don’t have to allow a zombie back into your life, you may never trust them enough again! All you can do is act in a way that you are happy with and that is congruent with your values. It’s not wrong to ignore a zombie, they taught you how to ghost after all! The choice is yours to make. I don’t regret mine.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Five reasons friends ghost!

A ghosting, when a friend just stops returning any communication from you, can be a terribly painful and isolating experience. It may be sudden, or slow. You may know the reasons why, or you may be left in the dark. It usually feels like the silent treatment, which is actually a form of torture and a very isolating experience for the human mind to cope with. That’s not meant to imply that your friend is intentionally torturing you, only to validate the pain you are experiencing and the search for closure or understanding that is plaguing you.

There are so many reasons why a friend may ghost you, and most of them are not about you at all! You might have things that they want for themselves, which upsets them and triggers feelings of grief and loss or even jealousy. They may have health issues you know nothing about that cause them shame or embarrassment and making them hide away. Their life may have changed, taking them away from you some way, or you may have outgrown each other having little in common bonding you together. Their values may have changed or their beliefs causing them to see you differently even if you haven’t changed. Their circumstances may mean they have less time for friendships. Maybe their partner or mother doesn’t approve of you.

If it is about you, it often relates to power imbalances, feeling unheard, uncared for, not valued. Feeling manipulated, steam rolled, bullied or pitied. Even then it is not to say you definitely did those things, only that it was interpreted that way by your friend perhaps. Perception is everything and that is why miscommunication is so easy.  Cancelled plans may leave them perceiving you as flaky instead of how you perceive yourself as over committed, busy and exhausted for example.

These are all possible reasons your friend may have ghosted you, but I am not really talking about specific reasons here today, as without  knowing what is going on in your friend’s head, we cannot really ever say for sure. It is likely you have a better idea than me, and even if you have no idea, you are probably still asking yourself why they didn’t communicate the issue! And that is what we are looking at today. Why do people choose to walk away silently as opposed to confront the issue head on and try to resolve it? That factor alone can leave you blaming yourself and thinking you weren’t worth a conversation or effort to fix things. It can make you question your worth and make you feel disposable.

The first reason that comes to mind is that they tried to tell you. Maybe you remember a conversation, and you thought the issue was resolved, but they actually felt unheard and dismissed? Maybe you tried to tell them they were over reacting due to their current circumstances and you felt you had calmed them down and got them to see your perspective? But in reality they felt you didn’t listen, and probably never would. Alternatively it is possible they tried to talk to you and then whatever boundary of theirs you were crossing – you continued to cross. And they felt there was no point in bringing it up again as you were not likely to hear them a second time or change. They concluded that this is who you are and that they could no longer accept it and let their actions speak for themselves in ways you could not ignore. If they feel exhausted by you, they may not have the energy to fight.

The next reason I can think of is that they are acutely conflict averse. For whatever reason, conflict opens deep trauma wounds for them and they will avoid it at all costs. If they have tried to raise this with you and you got angry, or even if they didn’t but they suspect you wont take the information calmly, it is less traumatic not to have you in their life at all than deal with your negative feelings. It is never easy to receive criticism, so it is natural that you may get defensive on hearing that you have upset a friend. It is human nature to want to justify things and correct perceptions about you. However, it is also hard to give criticism, and if someone has worked up the courage to speak up, what they are genuinely hoping for is listening, acknowledging, apologising and changing. Justification can only come after those steps, and most of us do get that wrong. They may even be hoping that by leaving things unsaid the friendship door remains open a crack, so after some space if you were to run into one another again, potentially you could rekindle and never have to discuss the awkward issue at all?

The third reason might be because it would reflect badly on them to tell you the reasons. If they betrayed you and cannot deal with the guilt or think you will find out they may ghost. If they allowed boundary crossing for a long time and feel it is too late to assert themselves without causing confusion. Or just because ending the friendship makes them feel like a pretty awful person, no matter what petty reason they could offer you for the rift. Just saying “I don’t like you” is so harsh, they don’t want to say it out loud. Let’s not forget that it might also just be a reason they don’t want to share with you. If they have an embarrassing health issue such as an STD or continence issues, this may push them to withdraw themselves, and likely not just from you! Some people suffer such acute social anxiety if they feel they have let you down in some way or made a fool of themselves, they may be so crippled by this that they basically hide to save face.

The fourth reason on my list would be because they felt some distance from you! If they thought a change in your life would lead to a rejection from you, like if you got into a new relationship and they worried they would be in the way or forgotten, or if you had a baby and they worried you wouldn’t have time or wouldn’t be interested in the friendship anymore, they may pull back as a way to protect themselves from having you reject them. If you have been neglecting the friendship without noticing or if they felt pushed out, sometimes it hurts so much that people just walk away rather than playing the limbo or waiting game to see if you will ever come back… so they make the choice for you and actually at times tell themselves they are doing you a favour by avoiding the issue all together.  If they feel unwanted by you they just withdraw to avoid that feeling of rejection.

Lastly, it’s entirely possible your friend has made up their mind, they don’t want to fix things, so they feel a conversation is unnecessary and unproductive. Why bother having an official conversation to end things, when the other party will either get angry, defensive, or try to work it through? Not to mention that they probably already feel badly about this, especially if they know it might blindside you, and will definitely hurt you. They would rather not deal with your emotions about it all and just move on. It’s selfish, yes, but human nature tends to be a bit selfish, and they probably tell themselves it is kinder not to tell you the reasons, to hurt you and further make you question things about yourself. But in this case, most often I feel there is no one good reason apart from they’re just not that into you anymore. Often in this instance the ghoster actually believes they are your victim, and they had no choice. A lie they perhaps tell themselves in some instances to justify their hurtful actions against you.

I am not saying these are good reasons, or the only reasons, but if you are trying to put yourself in their position and you know them well enough, chances are that one of these things will resonate with you and hopefully offer some closure that leaving this way was ultimately about them and their issues and feelings, regardless of what transpired between you. You have no real say in the matter, and no real choice but to accept that their actions have spoken even if they never said a word.

I hope this brings you some comfort or a sense of closure. Being ghosted is not a reflection of your worth or the value of the friendship. You may feel you had no voice, no choice, no control, but what you can control is yourself. Their silence doesn’t have to ring in your ears so loudly, that choice is up to you. Instead of looking up more articles on why they ghosted, or if they will ever zombie you (come back into your life like nothing ever happened – more on that next week…) ask yourself why you care about someone who no longer cares for you? They aren’t googling articles about you right now, I can almost guarantee that.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If mothers NEED friends does that make them NEEDY?

Following on from last week, this week I am still discussing mothers in particular and how much they need friends…..Does that make them needy friends?

First we should look at some words that come with the title “Motherhood.” Obligations. Expectations. Commitments.  These are also a pretty accurate representation of how a mothers time is spent. So little of our involvement with others is about choice. We must make sure we meet the needs of our children, our partner, our extended families. Even happy occasions like celebrations become a chore of pleasing everyone involved. You find yourself choosing what you should choose, without even questioning what you want. Want is a moot point. You have forgotten it matters what you want. You have forgotten what you want at all in some cases.

As the first of my small group of friends to have a baby, I needed them more than ever. They were the only remaining link that tied me to myself, and while they did listen to me talk about motherhood, they also still spoke to me about other things, work, romance, the news, money, travel. There was no competition, as they couldn’t really relate to my struggles, they just took my word for it. I was lucky they kept in touch, even though I did have to sit back and watch them still enjoying the freedoms I had given up, which was hard. They would see me during the day and then return to their fun free lives without a second thought to leaving me behind. It was assumed I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to join in, so invites were less frequent. At least I still got to hear about their adventures without me I suppose.

As my son approached school age, he was diagnosed with special needs. This meant appointments with lots of specialists trying to help him, while I had just had my second child. Both of these things meant the light that was school at the end of the tunnel was dimmed for another few years as we struggled through these times with both the kids. Busy is an understatement, and I began to understand the meaning of the Curtis Stigers song; To Be Loved. Quote

“Find a man that can provide
Try and fill the hole inside
With a family and a home
Tell yourself you're not alone
Keep your memories of yourself
In a shoebox on a closet shelf”

Read more: Curtis Stigers - To Be Loved Lyrics | MetroLyrics 
 

Put your memories of yourself in a shoe box on the closet shelf. How accurate.

And that is again, where friendships come in. They are the only relationship that exist purely out of choice. Yes circumstance and convenience play a role, however, choice is the deciding factor!

Our friends are not obligated to us, as much as it might feel that way occasionally. They are the only relationships that exist where we are not seen as an extension of someone else, or expected to compromise who we are in order to be with them. They allow us to be fully who we are, and they LIKE us. They don’t have an investment in us being successful, rich, single or married, thin, fat, ugly, pretty, fit, a perfect parent or anything else. They don’t want us to be perfect because then they don’t have to be either. These are the people we make time for because we want to. They are the people who care about our likes, interests, hobbies and like to cheer us on or commiserate with us and share their highs and lows with us. There is no pressure to impress them, to make them proud, not to let them down, to get it right, or to have sex with them! There is less expectation in general. All they want is our time, the pleasure of our company. How refreshing. They are the people who help us remember who we are. They listen to us vent about our lives without trying to fix it or telling us “I told you so!” They are the ones who encourage us to chase our dreams and remind us our happiness is important rather than point out all the potential things that could go wrong.  These are the people who choose to make time for us, which helps us make time for ourselves.

They say friends are the family you choose for yourself. I think they are better than that because they are not family! They are not bogged down in the unimportant things like how messy you are or if you are really ready to date again after the separation and how you should focus on the children. They are the people who are in your corner, even when you are wrong and the people who build you up again when life breaks you down. They are the people who validate you and fill your emotional cup. Not because of anything you do for them necessarily, or by default because they have to, but just because they value you as a person. Friends are the people who see us as individuals separate to our other roles in life. Ironically their lack of investment, and their enthusiastic interest anyway turns out to be just what we need to feel fulfilled.

There is a parenting model called the circle of security which outlines that children need parents to “delight in me” (amongst other things) to become adults with secure self-esteem. It basically means “love me for who I am outside of any achievements or anything you gain from it. Just enjoy me.” I need to work on this with my own kids, and I am. It is about filling their emotional cup. That is a hard thing to do if the cup you are filling from is actually empty. It prompted me to think of the people who most fill my cup (or any mothers cup) and delight in ME?! That would be my friends! Yes, my husband does delight in me, and I am lucky he does. That said, he also gets to “fill my cup” in other ways in return, ahem, if you know what I mean (apologies for the visuals, haha) and that takes away from the joy somewhat. He gets something out of it. So do my friends – I also delight in them!

As a mother it often feels like everybody needs something from me. Often more than I have to give. As I write this, the cat has basically plonked himself on my face, and he will return promptly when the kids go to bed. After I fend him off my husband will be expecting my attention. I will probably get an email from my mother asking why I didn’t respond to her last email and when I will be spending time with her not just asking for babysitting. I will make a mental note to email her back in the morning after I drop the kids at school and before the internet technician comes over. When he fixes the problem I will go online and pay the bills and do the banking. I will be adequately stressed when I meet my friend for lunch, but I will feel adequately relaxed after I leave. I am a lady who lunches. People roll their eyes at this, but It is my lifeline and my connection to myself, so I can go on filling the emotional cups of the other people in my life, if they chose me or not!

Along with this, more and more, I learn to remember to follow my heart and dreams too. This helps me learn how to be more mindful to stay present and fill my own emotional cup when my friends just can’t. Mostly because their life is just as busy as my own with multiple demands on their time! This is important. We do Need friendships. But there shouldn’t be much “need” in your friendships, or you will just become another obligation. We choose to enter friendships and being too needy is one certain way to ensure people choose not to enter them with us, or alternatively end them. We need friendships to learn who we are outside of pressure and expectation, and to learn to like and love ourselves. Once we can do that, we don’t need much at all from anyone, and ALL our relationships benefit from this! If you are feeling needy, check your emotional cup and ways you can fill it outside of one particular person, preferably on your own. Remember to take down that shoebox and be a person you love again, not just someone who loves everybody else.

<3 Love,

Your Best Friend ForNever
x

Why do Mothers NEED friendships?

I know I have kind of covered this territory before, but this is still very important and overlooked. Not just by society, but by mothers themselves. I want to give all the mothers out there permission to spend time with friends. With and without the kids. To talk about the good, the bad and the ugly of motherhood. And to not talk about it at all!

Humans have pretty complex social webs if you think about it. If we look at the important roles a woman plays in her life, she is a daughter,  and may also be a sister, a cousin, a niece, a wife or partner, an employee, an employer, an aunt, a mother, a grandmother, not to mention all the in-law titles too, and the ones I’ve missed! It is fair to say as a society, perhaps even as a species in general, we value family relationships!

This starts as soon as we are born and our basic human needs must be met by the people we depend upon the most – our family. We look to them to meet our actual needs for living, and they do this, for no other reason than they love us. Babies are cute, and if I had to guess I would say this is some sort of survival tactic. They love us because we are theirs. They created us, and in a sense we belong to them. It is supposedly the most unconditional form of love.

Let me be clear in stating I do not doubt that parental love is the strongest form, the most natural if you will. It IS pretty unconditional, but it doesn’t always feel unconditional. Most of us live in the same house as our parents growing up, and if your house was anything like mine, it was a pretty universally “my house, my rules” kind of situation. As we reach adolescence we start to explore who we are as people and sometimes rebel against those rules. It starts to feel like our parents don’t really see us as separate people and we long to be free individuals. Ask most teenagers, or parents of teenagers and almost all of them will admit living together at this time is tough. Petty day to day things like who did or didn’t empty the bin, or put washing in the basket become bigger power struggles and detract from our ability to enjoy our kids as people. Sure they know we love them, and they know how proud we are of them when they achieve something, but those achievements may start to feel like conditions.

I have heard quite a bit in the media about humans craving parental approval. No matter how late in life, we want to feel like we have satisfied the people who chose to have us. Feelings of stress and anxiety arise when we disappoint them or make mistakes. We know they love us, but this does add an extra layer of pressure trying to win their approval. “Approval?” What does this word even mean in this context? We already know they love us – but do they like us? Pretty quickly we learn that maybe it isn’t their job to like us, more for them to mould us into likeable respectable people?

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To your family you are the world...... No Pressure.... Lol

Luckily for us, our friendships during adolescence are ripe and plentiful. Definitely not to be categorised or minimised as easy, but intense, because we seek validation that people actually like us. Around this time we may turn away from our parents when we face dilemma’s and instead turn to the ear of a friend? Why is this? Because a friend is less invested in the outcome. They are less worried about the potential bad things that could happen to us and don’t have a need to protect us (mostly from ourselves!) They are more likely to be encouraging which makes us feel competent as we prepare to embark into adulthood.

It is with the support and encouragement of our friends that we start to explore the world of dating, relationships and sex. What an exciting time, even with our parents telling us we have more important things to be focusing on such as our future, or alternatively pushing their own values onto us. Alas, we wont be told and most of us have had at least one romantic relationship by the time we reach our early 20’s.

It feels important to find someone to partner up with, even from a young age. We prefer not to see out this life alone, and even if the statistics are against us, most of us hope and believe we have met “the one” pretty quickly. As we enter this phase, friendships may start to fall by the wayside, to make room for our partner in our lives as we prepare for our future and the responsibilities that start to face us.  As we start to settle into these much desired romantic pairings though, we realise they too, have their conditions and compromises. Certain sacrifices have to be made as we find ways to become a “we” and let go of being “just me.” Thankfully, we are still young, relatively free, and usually have just started working and earning money, which we are mostly free to spend on ourselves. How wonderful. Again this stage of life is very conducive to friendships. We start making friends in the workplace and these people see and treat us as capable adults, and we have the time and the money to socialise with them after hours. Most of us somehow successfully navigate the balance between being ourselves and part of a couple, with working and studying providing outlets away from our partner to still be who we are.

It all starts to change though, when in a few short years people start getting married and having kids, or trying to have kids. Many of us lose our identities completely as we give up the people and situations that validated us as complete competent confident individuals, such as work and a social life, to raise a family. Only at this point do we start to understand where our own parents were coming from, and how much of themselves they gave up to raise us. (This kinda explains the high investment in us and their inability to see us as people separate from themselves I suppose?! Lol)

As I transitioned into motherhood myself at 26, I felt ready and mature enough to handle this. Ha! I started to notice pretty quickly though, how irrelevant my identity had become. Instead of asking me how I was, people asked how my son was. I almost never talked about anything other than him, although I wanted to, the opportunities were small.  It had become my sole purpose in life to take care of somebody else, and I felt so guilty for the longing I had to be away from the role and to just be myself. As my own mother will readily tell you – it always feels as if a mother is taking care of everyone, but nobody is taking care of her…..

And this is of course where friendships come into play! A place to be yourself, to remember who that is! Tune in next week for more reasons mothers need friends, and if that makes them needy friends?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

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Do Friendships Retire With You?

Growing up I always watched my mother with her friends. The way she would light up around them, the way she would cater for their dietary needs and remember birthdays and anniversaries. The way I could tell which ones she liked more than the others by her level of interest and effort to see them. The faces have changed over the years, but she still has a delightfully full social life now she is well into her retirement years.

In the last few years especially she has become very socially active after moving to a retirement village full of peers. It has been beautiful to watch. Even my father has branched out, joined clubs and volunteered time and has made his own social connections. I doubt I have ever seen him so socially engaged! When they aren’t at their various groups or catch up’s individually they are with other couples doing dinners and drinks.

However it wasn’t a smooth transition. My mother retired first, and she enjoyed a good few years of having the house to herself to entertain friends should she want to. She got into her own little social routine, a phone call with one on Tuesdays at 8am and a catch up with the other at the shopping mall on Mondays etc…. She had the house to herself, she had her time to herself and it worked for her.

Now I want to first acknowledge that my parents are one of the lucky few who make it to retirement still together and alive. They are blessed and I am not trying to take away from that. However being a couple for a very long time has it’s challenges too. Particularly when much of that time is spent raising children and working and living somewhat distant/separate lives…. But one day, if you are lucky enough to reach retirement age together, you will BOTH be retired.

When my dad retired things changed. He hadn’t had the years my mum had on her own to build his own routine. He retired and mum was there and so the assumption was that they would now spend their retirement “together.” My parents are not the only ones either, as it came up in general conversation the other day that another friend’s mother felt/feels similarly. Being part of a couple does not erase your individuality or your individual connections outside of the marriage. However men often don’t put as much effort into those social connections, preferring to focus on work and spending time tending to the house and family on weekends etc…..

So when the time came, and dad would ask mum “what are WE doing today” she felt a mixture of guilt and resentment. Should she have abandoned her friendships and routine to enjoy retirement with my father? Should she invite him to spend time with her friends? It’s not that she didn’t try. It’s not even that she didn’t want him there especially. It’s just that there are things you may not say (venting about your husband for example) when he is there. But more to the point, there are things your friends may not feel free to say when your partner is there.

I know from my own experience, when I have invited friends over for coffee when my husband is there, even if we are not sitting in the same room and he is otherwise occupied with his online gaming, my friend and I will be discussing something and he shouts through with his 2 cents! You can hardly tell the man not to listen or speak in his own house! But he is in my way somewhat and I know it will be an adjustment when he does retire one day! And as my father in law contemplates retirement I know my mother in law is less than enthusiastic too!

So in order to make sure your friendships don’t retire when you do (or when your spouse does!) you have to give yourself some time to find the right balance. Give the second person a chance to find their groove. Have conversations before retirement about your expectations. Make time for each other as a couple, but give each other space too, to grow your own connections and find your own hobbies. It will give you things to talk about anyway! Continue some independence as you each had before retirement and trust that time spent with others individually is healthy, not a personal rejection of your spouse. Retirement is a time to rediscover yourselves and friendships are an important part of this process. Embrace this!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Controlling Friends

A few weeks ago, I shared with someone a post I had written back in 2017, when although my intentions were pure, my behaviour was actually somewhat controlling in nature. That got us chatting about the concept of control in friendships and the ways we have experienced it and also displayed it in ourselves.

There are controlling people, who know exactly what they are playing at and they target people who seem easily to control, but these are not necessarily the people I am talking about today. Today I am talking more about subtle controlling antics, and hopefully, how to navigate these behaviours in yourself and your friendships. These may or may not be “controlling people” in all aspects of their life, but the chances are high that they don’t consider themselves controlling, and they would be horrified to know you thought they were either.

It is human nature to desire things a certain way, therefore it feels safe to assume we all do what we can to assure the likeliest chance at success (things turning out just the way we hoped they would.) Added to this, we are taught to believe that we do have some control of outcomes, for example, if you eat less and move more, the chances are high that you will lose weight. Or if you get good grades in school you improve your chances of having a fulfilling, well paid career later in life. And while these things are proven and true, chance always plays a big role too. It is harder to do well in school if a parent gets cancer for example, or harder to lose weight if you suffer from thyroid or gland issues or lipoedema. And all of those things come down to chance, but they do impact you more negatively. Just the same as someone else may get lucky and win a scholarship or a family member may offer them an apprenticeship they might not have had otherwise.

Because of all this, I believe in some level all of us strive for some level of control of ourselves and our lives and our outcomes, because we are all fighting chance and a future unknown. We feel less anxious when we are able to tell ourselves we did everything we could have done to influence the outcome, as we also don’t enjoy feeling regret lumped on top of disappointment if things don’t go our way.

So this post is not to crap on your friend or your friendships and call them toxic, it is to help us understand and validate that on some level this is a struggle for us all and it is something we must try to manage within ourselves.

Some of my more controlling tendencies in friendships tend to be: Being the event planner. This way I approve of the event and the time, I have checked that it suits me before taking it to the invited event goers! I can be thrown off balance if someone else invites me to an unexpected event as I do to them, because what if I want to go but it isn’t convenient for me? Added to that I am a picky eater, in that I don’t like sushi or seafood, and so I wont agree to go to a place everyone else loves, I will try and insist they cater to the minority for example. I may be unwittingly partial to emotional blackmail at times too, like letting my displeasure be known if my message is not read and replied to in an acceptable timeframe, and I can definitely be passive aggressive too.  All of these things are listed as red flags for controlling friends.

I definitely don’t want or mean to be controlling, and some of these feel to me more like “honest compromises” like I know you are busy, but if I sent you a message and asked a question that needed a timely reply and you read it and didn’t get back to me, am I not allowed to be upset by that? Is it controlling to express that I am hurt or angry or frustrated? Or is it controlling to ask me not to be and just go along with however the other person wanted me to handle it? I don’t think it is always a black and white issue.

Even if the friend in question is controlling in general, they may not even realise that you feel controlled by them. And I do have to question if we allow ourselves to be controlled somewhat to avoid a confrontation at times because it is easier. I know I do. So can I blame someone for pushing their way on me when I don’t put up a fight? And is it ever a compromise? Does a compromise have to be nobody getting their way instead of just one person? Like, if I agree to travel to a friends house although I didn’t want to, because that was what they wanted, with an agreement that they would come to me next time, is that a compromise? Or is that just them insisting that we could only meet at their house and me submitting to control? Would a compromise be us both travelling half the distance although neither of us wanted to travel be a compromise? That way nobody got what they wanted and nobody is especially happy, but it was a sacrifice for both?

Some of the ways I have found friends controlling, have been correcting me when I identify myself, for example telling me as I am married to a man and am also attracted to women that this makes me bisexual, even if I don’t identify that way. Or purchasing me food or drinks when I did not request them, regardless of if I wanted them or not. Or pressuring me to buy the clothes they think I look good in even if I wasn’t so sure about them myself. The biggest way might just be expecting me to carry on with things the way they are because that is the way they have always been and my friend doesn’t want it to change, even if I do.

Some of these acts might be innocent, and well intentioned. Maybe I really did look great in that maxi dress, even though I don’t wear maxi dresses because I don’t like them. My friend was just encouraging me to break out of my comfort zone, and I felt uncomfortable and pressured, then I label it as controlling instead of just saying “No, it would be a waste of money because I know I would never wear it, maxi dresses are more your style.” The friend may continue to try and convince me I looked wonderful and I should change my mind, but I don’t have to feel pressured, I have a choice to listen and nod along and feel pressured, or to just tell them they are wasting their breath as my decision is made and moving the conversation along.

I think the issue really stems with the fact that having boundaries is uncomfortable. We don’t want confrontation unnecessarily and we don’t want rejection. So we allow ourselves to do things to keep the peace, such as buying the dress and returning it later instead of just addressing the situation head on. When we feel controlled we get defensive as a natural response and want to say “back off.” Instead we really need to push through that and have a more calm and measured approach, reacting from a place of logic instead of emotion.

Things quickly become patterns if we allow them to. So when a friend purchases me a food item I didn’t request, my first thing should be “Thank you, that was a kind gesture, but please, in future I would rather make my own choices around food.” (NOT “You shouldn’t have done that how dare you make choices for me, how controlling of you!)  Next time that friend would think twice before making the same mistake, whereas if I politely accept and just think to myself that I didn’t want this, nothing will change. The friend may push, insisting that you deserved a treat even if you didn’t want one or that they wanted to surprise you, but again, all you have to repeat is that you would rather they didn’t. If the behaviour repeats, you remind them of the boundary, and next time you are together say “remember I will order for myself, please don’t order anything for me.”

Of course, you run the risk then, of your friend thinking you are being controlling! But at the end of the day, the only person we can control is ourselves, and once you master that, you will not feel controlled by anyone ever again!  Thoughts?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx