Getting Out Of The Friendzone

Ok, so the week before my GALentines/PALentines post, we touched on the friendzone. In that post, I said that there was no escaping this, and that stands true. So how can this post be about getting out of the friendzone if it is not possible? Am I about to contradict myself and offer you some false hope? Unfortunately, no, I am not.

This post is about removing yourself from the friendzone rather than escaping it. At first glance, these 2 things sound remarkably similar, don’t they? However, on further investigation they are actually quite different.

If you  were drawn to this article, I have it on pretty good authority that you currently live in your own torturous hell of wondering if your friend likes you romantically in the ways you like them. You might be high on a cocktail of hope and despair, or even making up lies we tell ourselves to fuel the hope. These lies include telling yourself that your friend is just scared to admit they have feelings for you, or that they aren’t ready for a relationship just yet, but when they are, you will be up for consideration and being a great friend until then will increase your chances.

All this does is exchange a dream of future happiness that is unlikely to eventuate, for happiness you could be experiencing right now. And that is the difference between removing yourself from the friendzone and escaping it. Removing yourself entails letting go of the fantasy that one day you and your friend will end up together, and accepting that you won’t. The odds aren’t in your favour and your life isn’t a rom com. Sorry.

I know you think you CAN’T let go. If only your pesky feelings would go away, then maybe you could move on? But in reality, you can let go, you just don’t want to. You have idolised this person and romanticised your friendship so much that anything less than the amazing bond you share with your friend just wouldn’t be as exciting or intense. Do you know why? Because fantasy is always better than reality. But we can’t live there.

So, then, HOW do you let go? It won’t be easy. I know that. But it will be worth it, and you might be able to maintain the friendship too, if you are committed enough to letting the feelings go. What you have to do, is take all that amazing love you have about your friend, and how amazing it would be if they loved you back, and start loving yourself that way. Catch your thoughts. When you think thoughts like “Her hair is amazing” redirect yourself to remind yourself what you love about you. When you feel butterflies at his touch, remind yourself how much you want to feel those things with someone who is just as excited about you in return.

This repeated action should cure your affliction for your friend without tarnishing your relationship. It doesn’t ask you to focus on the negatives, but simply to remind yourself that you are awesome too and deserve someone who notices that and does not leave you guessing.

Sometimes in order to fully let go, you might have to disclose your feelings to your friend, as a way to release them or as a way to hear the painful truth and put all hope to rest. Sometimes you may need to take space from them to hurt. Sometimes you may part ways. But it doesn’t have to be that way if you just redirect your thoughts away from your friend. And as soon as you do, I bet you will notice all the other potentially wonderful and available people out there who could be right for you.

Currently you are closing yourself to any potential and it is making YOU unavailable. Try not to judge your friend for not having feelings and definitely don’t blame yourself either. At some point a friend of yours may one day have feelings for you too that you don’t reciprocate, so handle yourself with as much grace as you would hope if you had to let a friend down romantically.

If you find yourself spiralling into dak thoughts like “I am too fat, nobody will love me” those are just your insecurities challenging you. You can take some time to work on yourself if you think you could lose a bit of weight. Not because someone else will like you better, but because you will like you better. Not to mention that the better you look and feel, the higher quality of mate you might attract too.

At the end of the day, you actually put yourself in the friendzone by refusing to let go of hope that your friendship will be more than it is, and you have the ability to remove yourself too. Letting go will hurt. It will. I know it will. But that hurt will end. It will. I know it will. If you stay where you are, it wont end, and that will be your choice.

I know there are many reasons we choose to stay in the friendzone or use it as an escape from reality, and that is fine if it is an informed choice and you are not playing the victim and hurting yourself. But if you are, then it’s time to remove yourself instead of staying stuck. 

Remember, the reason fantasy is better than reality, is because it isn’t real. You will never wake up in the arms of a fantasy. So reality is better, even though that doesn’t always feel true. Feelings aren’t facts. Facts are facts.

I wish you strength whatever path you travel, because either way, you’re going to need it my friend!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

GALentines or PALentines Day! (Again!!)

Well, how quickly this time of year has rolled around once more. A time to celebrate our friends, our friendships and acknowledge that they are just as valuable as connections as any other romantic or familial relationship!

Every year on the 13th of February, I advocate the handing out of yellow roses to your friends, in honour of your friendship, just as I deliver mine to my nearest and dearest too. For some people, a gift, a meal, a card, a heartfelt message or a favour granted feel more appropriate as ways to celebrate their friends.

There is no right or wrong way, as long as you take pause to consider your friends, what they bring to your life, how important they are to you and find a way to let them know, and if possible spend a little time together.

This year, I discovered my phone does this cool thing whereby it pulls up all the images of a person if you click on it, scroll down and select their face. Then you hit show more, and it creates a little video to a tune of all the pictures of that person or you and that person together. You can choose happy or upbeat instrumental music, to sad, sentimental or chill music. Then you just save it to your phone and send it to them.

I can’t get enough of this feature. How simple to send to a friend to celebrate your friendship, remember your good times together and relive memories! It is like a virtual scrapbook! Who doesn’t love a good friendship collage or scrapbook!

If a collage is more your thing, I use an app called PicCollage that lets you select photos, layout, background and some stickers for free. I sent one to my mother-in-law for mother’s day this year as she has done a few pic collages around her house and she loved it.

If you prefer a slideshow to a meaningful licenced song, then I use an app called Movavi and it is awesome as it lets you select a song from your phone library, select any photos and videos you want to use, add cool effects, movement of the clips, how long you want each picture to display for and in which order. This is an awesome way to make a meaningful clip of your friendship to whatever song you and your friend love, or what feels meaningful to you.

Failing that, there is always the free meme generator imgflip so you can use a private photo of your mate and yourself with some hilarious caption, memory, or  warm sentiments.

The point is to get creative, have some fun, and show your friend something really personalised to let them know they were worth some time and effort even if you never seem to be able to find time together as often as you would like.

The only rule is to send it on the 13th of Feb, the day before Valentines because it is more important, and to make sure it says Happy GALentines or PALentines Day. Their challenge, should they choose to accept it is to return the sentiment and pay it forward to other friends.

I can’t do this without all of you. This celebration is important and it needs to take off. It is inclusive of singles and all ages and it is as fun as it is sentimental. So please celebrate this occasion somehow with your friends, and please come back to this post on Facebook and share with us how you did!

Happy GALentines or PALentines day folks! I am off to deliver my yellow roses old school style, cos I am so old! haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

February! The month of love…. Unless you are in the friendzone? Can you escape or avoid this?

I can’t quite believe it is February already, when and how did this happen? I am still getting used to the idea that it is 2023 and yet here we are rolling into February. I am lucky enough to have found my perfect match and as such I have someone to celebrate Valentines with. Or not. Because it isn’t really a big deal, particularly when you have been together nearly 15 years. But I remember it seemed like a big deal, when I did not have someone to share it with.

If you are single this February, you might be feeling alone, lonely or like the only single person still alive. The older you are, the truer this feels, although on this particular day, nobody is excluded from the acute awareness of their non partnered status. As I have single friends, I know some of them still feel this pain to this day. That is part of the reason celebrating GAL-entines day became important to me. Because it offers inclusion for those feeling a bit lonely, it offers love and care, even if it is of the platonic variety. That still matters.  Nobody wants to feel unloved.

But being totally alone, is probably better than being an almost. I have been an almost many many times before I met my husband, and I have had unrequited feelings for friends of mine almost my whole life, being more queer than my hetero friends. So, despite my current status, I definitely know the pain and anguish of the friendzone.

The over thinking every sentence, every gesture, every look. Hoping to see reciprocation. Waiting for them to realise they were in love with you all along. Wondering if they secretly feel it too but are too frightened to say so for some reason. Feeling elated at every flirtatious laugh or comment and deflated at every ignored text or discussions about people they do have feelings for. It is a torture, partly of your own making.

You could tell them of course, and many do. Sometimes it makes things awkward, and you have to accept point blank that they do not feel the same way. Sometimes the ambiguity fuels them and things ger more confusing. Sometimes you part ways. But at least you are not tortured anymore by thinking about what could’ve been when in reality it was what could never be at all? Asking them if they feel the same way is sometimes the only way out of the situation, although often not in the ways you had hoped.

Is there ever a way out of the friendzone? Not usually. If someone doesn’t think of you that way or feel attracted to you, for whatever reason, it wont change. If you watch shows like Married at First Sight and other dating type reality shows, you will see a pretty big percentage of them who say that first time they lay eyes on their partner that “they weren’t what they expected or hoped for, or weren’t their usual type…” that the feelings almost never develop. The most they can be is friends.

So while there isn’t really a way out of the friendzone, if you find yourself there quite a lot, it might be time to ask yourself why that is. Not because there is something inherently wrong or undesirable about you, but because there is certainly a way to avoid being in the friendzone to begin with. And that is to not pretend you only want to be friends with people you want more with.

Say you meet someone on a dating website and you are really into them and hope to form a relationship and they say “I like to take things slow, can we get to know each other as friends first?” You can be upfront then and there, no matter how attracted you are to them and say “I am happy to take things slow, however I don’t want to be just friends, I would like to date you romantically, and if you aren’t open to that then I’ll have to pass.”

Alternatively, are you friend zoning yourself? For example if you have met someone on an app and you are talking, are you being flirty or friendly? When you meet up, are you intentional about your body language or passive? Do you wait for them to kiss you at the end of the date, or go in for the kiss yourself? I know this is scary territory, especially if you feel insecure or worry secretly that this person is out of your league, but if you have not given them any indication that you are interested in more than friends, maybe they assumed you weren’t

Sometimes you might end up in this situation as a defence mechanism, always attracted to someone unavailable to avoid putting yourself out there and facing possible rejection, and other times perhaps it is because in reality you are also unavailable in your life in some way, and this way you don’t have to make room for someone?

Lastly it can be because the fantasy of someone is better than the reality and somewhere deep down you know you like the idea of them, the fantasy of what you have more than the reality. It is one thing to daydream about your best friend and the connection you have with them, but quite another to actually be with them and deal with their crazy!

My advice is not to become friends with people you find attractive and not to play with any feelings of attractions that may arise once you are already friends if this hits you by surprise unless you are pretty certain they feel the same way. The Nickelback song don’t ever let it end comes to mind. “I know she feels the same way, because she told me drunk on her birthday… but I’m tired of pretending yet I’m terrified of it ending We can laugh as we both pretend, that we’re not in love and we’re just good friends…”

Most of the time we friendzone ourselves, by agreeing to less than we wanted to begin with, by not being clear about what we felt early on, or by selecting people who will by default be unavailable like me with my penchant for straight women or women who always seem to be in love with the handsome married doctor, or the larger, average man who will only date supermodel women for example.) Or simply by idolising people who are good friends and not recognising that this doesn’t always translate into being a good partner or being romantically compatible.

If you are in the friendzone this Valentines day, I have one piece of good news for you. GALentines (or PAL-entines for more inclusion) is my next post, the event falls on 13 Feb, and that is your chance to show your true feelings with a Rose, maybe don’t go for yellow! Be Bold, go Red or go home!

Tune in next week for GAL or PAL-entines post!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

STOP!!!

When the pot can’t see it’s reflection in the kettle!

I have a friend who calls me, and we often stay on the line for up to an hour. The conversations meander, aren’t usually particularly urgent or necessary, except to keep in touch, update each other on our lives and vent about life. I support this notion, we all need people to talk to about everything and nothing. The conversations may not be important, but the bond they create is.

However on New Year’s Eve I found myself particularly annoyed at something my friend said, or rather something she didn’t realise she was saying, or implying during the conversation. She was venting to me about one of her other close friends, how they seem to be growing apart and how let down she was that they didn’t attend a yearly event she hosts when they always have attended in the past. To add salt to the wound, instead they chose to attend someone else’s event.

I understand this hurts, and I understand it, although I have never found myself on the invite list to this particular event. I know there are logical reasons behind this, and should I wish to attend I would not be turned away, but I just sometimes feel it is unwise for my friend to complain to me about this without considering how I might feel that I myself was never invited.

Anyway, I digress. My friend was let down and I understood this and held space for that feeling, validating it and also reassuring her that I am sure her friend didn’t intend to be hurtful although their actions were somewhat careless. They didn’t even inform her they weren’t coming, and that isn’t right. That’s fair. My friend went on to say that she had no new years plans and she had asked this friend and they said they had a dinner reservation with someone else. She was hurt not to be invited, although they did say maybe they would come and visit her after dinner. An idea she scoffed at.

This isn’t the first time she has complained about this person in her life being a bit less than satisfying as a friend at times. They are actually quite close, however she often feels neglected, pushed aside or a bit like a back up plan for this person; an afterthought. When they have nothing better to do. Overall I have to assume this doesn’t bother my friend as much as she makes out, or she only sees each individual offence (not the bigger picture) as they continue their friendship and I doubt she ever holds them accountable for this behaviour.

So I said to my friend that while myself and my family also had no plans for new year’s, she was welcome to join us for dinner, and we could play some games or watch a movie or something. I should say that I knew she wouldn’t come. I wasn’t hanging on her being there. It was not an important or exciting invitation. However, if she didn’t want to be alone, the offer was there. Once she ascertained that we were not going out as I had said we may visit an outdoor cinema, and that nothing exciting was on offer for dinner….  She declined, as I thought she would and thanked me for the invitation. That in itself was mildly offensive as I still believe had we been doing something or putting on a feast, she would have come.

But then she went on to say without invitation that she knew she could always come to us if she got really desperate (that is a direct quote) and just had to get out the house and not be alone, but she had hoped that she would be invited to something with the other crowd. I did not ask if her other friend did stop over after dinner that night, but the implication was clear, that waiting around for a possible visit from them was better than being welcomed with us.

I did hold my friend to account on this matter and let her know I found it offensive. Not only because of this one event, but because there have been several times when the middle of our plans together somehow got interrupted by the beginning of theirs. If this person calls, she wants to make it happen, no matter what, despite the fact that they are not as good or loyal as a friend to her as I am. In fact it may even be because they are not as good. Treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen certainly seems to be working for her friend in question!

So although my friend tried to apologise and explain her way out of this predicament, and I was able to laugh it off and let it go because it really wasn’t an important invitation of mine she declined, I still think she didn’t see my bigger point that she was complaining to me about someone being a bit of a crappy friend to her when she was in that exact moment doing the same thing to me! Human nature is fascinating isn’t it?

It’s quite common that the things that upset us in other people are actually the same things that we do to others. I wonder why that is? Even now, I bet someone reading this is probably thinking I have done this to them. I probably have. Which is why I have a sense of humour about it and am able to let it go. Apart from this blog, that is. Haha

So my point is, don’t be the pot calling the kettle black. If you are complaining to someone about poor treatment towards you, perhaps make sure you haven’t treated them in the same poor manner first? And be careful of talking too much about your other friends, and your plans with them. For a start it becomes pretty obvious who is more important to you and it usually isn’t the person to whom you are talking…. And it can also rub salt into wounds you may not even realise exist. Your friend may be feeling excluded and rejected and wondering why they aren’t good enough to make it onto your invite list or be someone you want to spend new years with. Or they may just decide to cut their losses and stop inviting you, on those times when you are desperate. And you’ll only realise what you had when it was too late.

It’s good to have a friend with whom you can talk about anything and everything… but just because you can, doesn’t mean you should….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

To Give The Gift, or Not To Give The Gift?

Gifting. For some of us, it is a love language. Some people love to lavish people they care for with gifts, and others love to receive gifts as tokens of appreciation. Many, but not all people who consider gifting a love language of theirs, enjoy giving and receiving gifts equally. There will always be those of us who prefer to give more than receive, and those of us who prefer to receive more than we give. Then there are others amongst us, who actually find the whole thing quite unnecessary and uncomfortable.

When first getting to know someone, this can easily become an issue. If you love to gift, you might accidentally overwhelm the recipient and make them feel badly that they didn’t or aren’t able to reciprocate. Alternatively, they may gift you with a really thoughtful item, while you may have gifted them a more generic item such as a travel mug filled with chocolates. This can leave things feeling unbalanced and like one person’s effort or expectation or investment is higher than the others. It can make one or both parties feel in some way indebted to the other. A debt they did not sign up for.

Who would have thought the simple act of giving a gift could be so complicated and fraught with miscommunication? And it can become even more complicated? What happens if the gift you were intending to give has somehow expired it’s time. For example, a Christmas gift that is sitting under your tree ungifted because you didn’t see that friend in time? Or a gift for an ex colleague purchased when you were still working together but you haven’t really kept in touch since they left? Or worse, a thoughtful and or expensive gift to someone, that you purchased when you were close friends, and have since become more distant with or fallen out with all together?

In all these scenarios, the question of to gift, or not to gift, becomes pretty prominent. Will it send the wrong message? Does it set expectations too high? Is it in line with a gift you would expect to give or receive from someone you haven’t known well, or long? Is it too much? Is it enough? Does it still reflect your true feelings or investment in the person and your relationship as it did at the time it was purchased or crafted?

Readers, if in doubt, I urge you to err on the side of caution and not gift! I know you mean well, honestly. Your intentions were kind, but if you find yourself asking the question, feeling unsure, then your answer is no. Unless you are certain, do not proceed. Especially if you tend to be a bit of an over giver.  Because this only sets you and everyone around you up to fail and for you to feel taken advantage of.

I have made this mistake myself, so I know how easy it can be to get caught up in the festivities or to fight the urge to buy that perfect gift that you saw, which probably was a bit much but you just knew they would love it! Because even if they love the item, the debt they incur as a result can feel totally suffocating. Even if you intended to impress and draw them in closer, it may have the adverse affect and scare them away.

Even if you hoped the gift would serve as some sort of reconciliation, your gift may be rejected. Or worse still, it may be accepted with no effort to reconcile. It may even be seen as a desperate attempt to buy their affections. In reality, a true friend should not be swayed on their feelings about you by what material things you offer them.

If they really like you and want you in their life, then they will make time and space for you regardless, and if they don’t then they never will anyway. So save your time, money and energy on gifting until you know a person well enough to know how they feel about gifting and what their love languages actually are. You might save yourself some grief in the meantime. You don’t have to prove your worth or reward people for being in your life with anything but the gift of continuing to show up for them as the fabulous friend that you are!

To gift or not to gift? Your friendship is a gift and that should be enough.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

If you want to buy this cute greeting card, here is the link:

https://www.rosiemadeathing.co.uk/product/gift-enough-2/

Reaching out to an old friend after a long lapse.

Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes you don’t necessarily fall out with a friend as much as the friendship just fades away into the background or fizzles out to nothing. Sometimes this can last for months or years. And it can be awkward to know, are you still friends? Is it ok to reach out? Should you just act like nothing happened? Could you? Or do you need to offer excuses and explanations on how and why you unofficially parted ways?

I think this depends on your circumstances. If you can reflect on why you grew apart for that time, what makes you think it might be different now? What do you miss about your friend or your friendship? Do you think you or they have changed enough to make the friendship more viable now? How close were you to begin with? How sudden was the lapse? Did you just ghost one day or slowly stop reaching out to each other in what felt like natural ways to each of you? Do you think your friend was hurt? Was it them or you who pulled away first or more?  

The next set of questions to ask yourself are about what you hope or expect to happen if you do reach out. Are you comfortable with just exchanging an email update and not catching up in person? Or do you wish to resume a more time intensive connection similar to what you shared before? Are those expectations reasonable? Did you move away from your friend in favour of other friends, only to go crawling back when that didn’t work out in your favour? Are you prepared to be accountable for this and have you learned a lesson? Or if this is what happened to you, are you prepared to forgive and forget and try again?

Sometimes life does just take you off on your own paths and there is no animosity and often life will also bring you back together again in similarly natural ways. For example maybe you were close while you were studying, but became less close as you took on jobs and partners and mortgages. Then you later learn you both had a baby around the same time or moved to the same area or work for the same company and things naturally re-spark.

However, sometimes you have to be more forward in bringing about the change yourself. It could be that you saw something that reminded you of them and you suddenly felt an urge to get in touch. Or social media prompted you with a memory and you started feeling nostalgic, realising that you missed them more than you care to realise. Or perhaps you are going through a hard time and they were always the one person who knew exactly what you needed even when you didn’t know yourself.

Maybe you don’t really know how or why life got in the way and you stopped being intentional about your friend, but you would like to start being intentional again.

Once you have understood what happened, what you expect or hope to happen, your own intentions and how much you have to offer moving forward, the next step is actually reaching out. And there is only one answer to this – just do it! The general idea is that in person is always better, but in these circumstances I actually feel perhaps an email, letter or text message of some sort is better.

This allows your friend time to read and respond to you if they want to, in their own time, having given thought to their own thoughts and feelings and hopes and expectations. Give your friend time to process and respond before you give up hope. Don’t give them an ultimatum, such as, if I don’t hear from you in a week I will assume you no longer want to be friends, try to leave it  open ended such as hoping to hear from you if you ever get time.

Tell your friend about your life, what has changed, what has happened in your time apart. Acknowledge that you do not know what is happening in their own life, and you would be interested to hear if they are willing to share. Definitely tell them that you have missed them and thought about them at times, (only if that is true) and you wondered if they had felt similarly. If you feel you owe them an apology, offer it, and if you want to offer an explanation, try and keep it brief and light. Remember, you want to move forward not spend too much time looking back.

Close the communication by thanking them for their time and your years of friendship. Tell them you still have fond memories and always will, regardless of the outcome, and that you wish them nothing but the best, and hope they are happy and healthy in life.

If they do not respond, respect that. I am not saying you can never try again, but give it a while before you do try again and do not try more than 2 or 3 times to resume communication. No response is a response.

Then move forward, slowly and rebuild. Accept that your friendship has to be a new one, it cannot just go back to being the way that it was. You have to get to know one another slowly, reform connections and build up momentum and trust. Or alternatively, move on alone and put that effort towards building a new friendship which could be as epic as your old one, even without a shared history.

But ultimately, the only way to reach out after a long lapse, is really to take the plunge and press send. Then wait and see!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Couple Goals for Frouples! (Friend Couples!)

Welcome to January and 2023 folks! Do you have any new years resolutions? If you’re anything like me, they’re probably the same ones you always set but never achieve? Lol Some people are great at setting goals and achieving them all by themselves, while others of us do better when we are part of a team, working towards a common goal. This might be because we don’t want to let other people down, or it might be because we are competitive or it might be because we do better when someone is there holding us accountable to those goals.

Whichever category you fall into, setting some combined or common goals can be a great way to strengthen your friendship and to achieve things you might not otherwise achieve. It doesn’t matter if the goal is work oriented, life oriented, travel or financial based or some sort of health and fitness goal.

You could set these goals with one friend, or a few at a time. Depends on how much you think you can commit to as a whole without impacting your life and  your time too heavily. You may decide to plan and save for a girly getaway at the end of the year with one friend, committing to putting aside $100 a week towards it each, while with another friend you agree to go early morning walking twice a week for a year and do your measurements and record them for one another once a month.

Similarly you may agree to do a weekly evening dinner with a friendly colleague to work and brainstorm, or even to do the weekly catch up but no discussing work. Or you may decide to try a new hobby together, take a class or learn a language together. Perhaps if you were both single you could agree to swipe for one another or go on at least one double date a month. If you are married with kids maybe one Saturday a month you agree to have each other’s kids, or get together to clean one house then the other the following fortnight.

These are all just suggestions, of course you will know what is important to you or what you would like to achieve, and which friends might be the right ones to join you in support. It gives each of you a reward at the end, and each of you a chance to be the motivator when the other gets low or loses interest. It also keeps you accountable to doing what you said you would do, or the other person could lose their reward.

It could bring you closer as you spend more time collaborating on your plans and orchestrating them, and allows each of you to really see and understand your strengths and weaknesses. It also highlights what motivates each of you so you can better support each other in all areas of your lives.

Of course, it isn’t without its risks. If someone does drop the ball the other party could be hurt, or you may find that their lack of motivation at times fuels your own and you could easily both give up. Which is why you have to commit to the goal, set a time period, and commit to being positive and staying on track when the other person feels like giving up. You also have to commit to checking in to make sure the goal is still achievable and if it isn’t, how to adjust it to meet the circumstances. For example putting aside less money and going on a less expensive trip, or changing the days/times you meet etc….

All goals do require commitment and accountability but also flexibility and fun. Nobody will commit to something  that is making them miserable without much reward, so it is a good excuse to also be setting yourselves up for success with rewards along the way and enjoyment mixed with encouragement and ways to meet the goals instead of excuses not to!

At the end of the day, there is no guarantee that this will work. Most resolutions fail for a reason. But it might be worth a try. It might even be fun and  you might even benefit if you do happen to have success?

What are your goals this year? Could a friend help you achieve them? What are your friends goals? Could you help them get success?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Lessons this New Year, or just Less?

Happy new year readers! Usually these posts are filled with resolutions, more goals to meet, more things to do, more ways to be more productive. But I actually don’t believe more is the answer. Perhaps sometimes, less is more? Perhaps your new year goal should be to do less, to be less and to expect less. Of yourself and of others.

Maybe some of us even need to be less? Gosh, that doesn’t sound good! I know that. People who love you will and should love all of you. But if 2022 hit you with the same message it hit me with, it was definitely that I am too much for some people.

The email I sent the teacher, was too long and overwhelmed her. The gift I got a friend was “too much” and made her feel bad somehow. My size was too big, I needed to take up less room. My feelings were an over-reaction, they needed to be toned down. I reply to messages too fast and too often. I am too nice. I try too hard. And for whatever reason, it is really off putting to a lot of people!

I stand by being too much. 100%. I am who I am. I have a lot to offer and I will offer it. The right people for me will love how much I am. They may get overwhelmed by me occasionally, but they will persevere because they know I am worth it. They understand my intentions are good. And they know at the times that I am too much, that is because of their own issues. They have less to offer, so accepting my generosity makes them feel a pressure to reciprocate in kind.

I don’t expect reciprocation in kind. I let the people who love me, show their affection in ways that are natural and congruent with themselves. I don’t expect them to be over the top even if I am. That said, then that makes the other party feel like I am putting in more than they are. That I am being a better friend, and so inadvertently I make people feel bad about themselves and their level of friendship by being too much.

So instead of kind of insisting that I should be able to be as much as I like, perhaps 2023 is the year to work on being as much as someone else can handle. Meeting them only at the level to which they feel comfortable and reciprocating their investment instead of making them feel bad that they can’t reach where I am at. That would not mean being any less of myself. It would mean giving less of myself. It sounds simple, and yet it is an area I struggle with.

This is because I like giving. I like making people feel good about themselves. And, if I am honest, I like feeling as though I am offering something of value that might make them not want to leave me. But all of those statements are about me and what I like. So if I am blindly giving to people and making them feel badly about themselves despite my best intentions, then I am not being kind at all am I?

If I always pick up the bill, then they feel like they are cheap or gold digging. If I always over gift then their genuine gifting efforts look measly. If I always do things for them but never need help myself, then they feel like they are using me. If I always hug hello and goodbye but they don’t, then they feel cold. If I always have positive things to say, they might feel like they are wrong for speaking up about any discomfort.

In a way, being too much is my insurance policy against people leaving. But it has the unfortunate effect of trapping people in a situation where they have no reason to leave and yet an inexplicable desire to escape!

So this year I want to try to do less. I intend to sit back and see what the people in my life bring to the table and meet them there. Instead of me making all the effort and them struggling to reciprocate, I will let them make the effort and that will tell me what level they can handle.

They can make plans with me. Everyone can pay for themselves. If they give me a handmade gift I will do the same. If they don’t do gifts, I wont either. If they don’t message or call, I will let silence fall comfortably until they do. I already know I am enough without the bells and whistles.

So my new years resolution is just to be me, more gently and quietly, and see who is there for that, and let go of anyone who really did just want the bells and whistles. They aren’t my people anyway.

That said, I will still value the people who keep up the pace without me initiating. I still am too much. I still have a lot to give and I still want to give it. I’ll just make sure I give it in return to those who earn it this year, and learn not to burn the rest.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Merry Christmas to my Family, Friends, Fans and Followers

Hello loyal Readers, '

Thank you for another year of support. I hope you all continue to enjoy, read, share, like, and follow my posts in 2023 and beyond.

I am sure most of you have lots of last minute things to organise for Christmas, as do I , despite my best efforts and tips and tricks to get prepared for Christmas these past few months! So I wont waste your time on a lengthy post today!

This one goes out to all my procrastinators out there!

Check out my post from 2020 here if you are looking for some Christmas memes to send to family and friends!

Merry Christmas to you all.

❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Cute Christmas Foods to Impress Your Friends

It doesn’t matter if you are hosting a holiday party or not, almost every year there will be some reason why you are required to bring a plate or prepare a plate. Maybe your kid has to bring a plate to class or the playgroup is doing a cute kiddies lunch. Maybe you are invited to an annual potluck party, or everyone in the office is bringing an informal Christmas lunch to share around. If you are like me and not great in the kitchen, then this post is for you. Most of these cute food ideas are actually quite simple, yet manage to look impressive!

Christmas pudding biscuits

Ok, so you buy a packet of those chocolate covered biscuits with marshmallow on top of the base, drizzle white icing or chocolate over the top, add 2 red Smarties or M&M’s, and a mint leaf lolly cut in half. They are quick and easy to prepare, and super cute too.

https://theorganisedhousewife.com.au/recipes/christmas-recipes/christmas-treats/cheats-mini-christmas-puddings/

Rudolph Caramel Tarts

All you need is store bought caramel tarts, pretzels, a marshmallow and some sort of red candy stuck on with icing or white melted chocolate and you have an adorable Christmas themed dessert!

https://www.daringcoco.com/2014/12/food-porn-thursdays-rudolph-reindeer.html

Savory candy cane platter

Tomato and crackers platter arranged to look like a giant candy cane. One cracker, one slice of tomato, repeat into the shape! Simple, savory and effective.

https://www.hy-vee.com/recipes-ideas/recipes/candy-cane-caprese

Christmas tree salad.

Arrange your lettuce underneath to vaguely represent the shape of a Christmas tree. Add mini tomatos, arranged as baubles or lights, with yellow or green tomatoes or peppers, sprinkle with bacon and cheese. Make a star shape out of cheese for the top. Place gifts made of capsicum squares at the bottom, piped with spray cheese and there you have it!

https://twohealthykitchens.com/chicken-cobb-christmas-tree-holiday-salad/

Candy Cane Place holders.

Stick 3 small candy canes together upside down so that each one faces a different direction and add in a business card sized cardboard either with guest names or gift names. Each person can take one home when they leave!

https://www.mrfood.com/Candy/Candy-Cane-Place-Card-Holders

Christmas cake

If you like traditional fruit Christmas cake, buy one already iced, or if you prefer another flavour, any white iced cake will do. Arrange green candies on the cake in the shape of a triangle, adding a different colour sporadically to represent a light or decoration. Add a star lolly at the top and maybe a liquorice base for the pot and the cake just became a Christmas cake!

If you are a little bit more skilled you can cover a washed and dried leaf with melted white chocolate with green food colouring in it. Make it a thickish layer. Leave it to set and peel the leaf off. This can also work with leaves you drew and cut out on baking paper. When you peel the backing away, you are left with a chocolate leaf. 3 of those with some red candies in the middle make for a great holly decoration.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/79938962119800852/

https://www.glutenfreealchemist.com/christmas-cake-decorating-tips-25-icing-ideas/

Fruit Salad Santa Hats

Cut large strawberries at both ends. Slice a banana. Put a strawberry on the banana slice, and add a tiny bit of white icing or a mini marshmallow to the top and you have cute little healthy dessert platter.

https://happyhealthymama.com/strawberry-banana-santa-hats.html

These are just a few of the ideas, but they will wow your friends and you can whip them up at the last minute without looking lazy. And it will distract them from the fact that you didn’t really cook anything or put in any effort, without going  totally store bought. Alternatively just get the store bought option, nobody really cares if it tastes good! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Gift alternatives for friends that are hard to buy for.

Some people are hard to buy for. Some people buy for themselves whatever they need. Some people have tastes that exceed your budget. Some people are environmentally conscious or prefer not to receive gifts for many given reasons. Some people hate clutter or find the whole gift giving thing a big commercialised rort. Some people don’t like to receive because they cannot afford to reciprocate. So this post is to give a few suggestions for what to give if you are low on funds, or if they don’t like gifts or you just don’t really know what to give them but want to acknowledge the occasion and your friendship.

Donations to Charity

Even if the person in question hates this idea, they are unlikely to say so! But it works better if you consider a charity that is close to your friends heart or has impacted them in some way and make a donation in their name or with reference to them. Someone might like you to buy or name a star, with the funds going to research to space, or someone else may appreciate a donation to the breast cancer foundation if they lost someone or know someone suffering from the condition.

Entries into competitions.

Many magazines and shopping centres do promotional prizes at this time of year. Nominate them as a best friend, buy a raffle ticket in their name, buy a lotto ticket or scratchy, or do all of the above. Tell them that is your plan and to accept any winnings from anything even if they don’t recall entering!

Vouchers for experiences or services.

These can be store gift cards, a voucher for a massage or pedicure, or a car detailing. But they don’t have to be commercial. You can make up your own free vouchers for them to use. You could do monthly coupons and what you put in them is up to you! A coffee date one month, you washing their car another, you buying them an ice-cream or treating them to a movie. A dinner at your house or fresh baked cake or cookies by you. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive, but it serves as a way to catch up all year round and lets them know you took extra care creating this personalised set up.

The photo slideshow video.

This one takes preparation in advance. All year, commit to taking photos of your friend. Some with you, some with their family or pets, some silly, some serious. If you are long term friends you may have enough of these to start, but if you want to do this every year, you need consistent new material. Research a song that suits your friendship or a Christmas song or even a Christmas Friendship song. Compile all the photos you like of your friend and you or their people and make it into a slide show to pop into their inbox on Christmas eve or Christmas morning to send them love and cheer. You can personalise it with captions, or send a nice message along with it. Your friend is sure to love it and play it with whomever sits around their table this year. There are plenty of easy apps that can do this for you from your phone, or you could even go old school and just make a collage! Either with printed pictures or digitally.

Memberships and subscriptions

If you don’t know what your friend wants for Christmas but you know they love cheese or barbequing, then there are clubs and subscriptions you can join them up for where they get a different cheese or spice delivered each month to try. There are beauty ones and health ones and pet ones. Whatever they like, you can probably find a subscription club. Or there are literal magazines. Or maybe they have a gym membership you could pay for a year, a car registration or a theatre club that would get them cheap tickets to their local cinema or theatre. A pay TV subscription, or Christmas hamper thing. There are limitless options here. And most people love the idea but wouldn’t buy it for themselves. Maybe your parents would like Netflix but don’t know how to set it up or are funny about automatic online billing or just don’t want to pay for TV?

Letter of Love

Sometimes there is simply nothing better than receiving a heartfelt card or letter, expressing exactly how you feel, gratitude, shared memories, apologies, laughter and tears. When it comes down to it, we all want to feel appreciated and valued and loved. Many people feel a bit down at this time of year, and just to know they are thought of and regarded warmly, remembered, is all it takes to put some joy and warmth back into their heart. It doesn’t have to be long, but it has to have meaning. If you miss them say so, but follow through on seeing them or keeping in touch more. If you don’t ever see or speak to them then send this sentiment as though you are best friends, it may fall on deaf ears or seem ingenuine. So make it real and make it matter.

Whatever you choose to do this year for your friends, make sure you are thinking of them and their interests not things you would like for yourself. And if you are an on-gifter be very careful the things you gifted are sealed and complete, do not have notes on them from the person who gifted to you and did not come from the same person you are on-gifting it to! Please also try and make sure it is something they like or want, otherwise it is best donated to charity.

If you have other ideas to add to the list, I’d love to hear them in the comments section below!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas Traditions With Friends

Most of us have family traditions at Christmas. They might be minimal like always serving mums potato salad or trifle, or obvious like always opening gifts on Christmas morning. Some of them may be quite specific to your family to honour the memory of a loved one, or specific to your culture like celebrating on Christmas eve. But there are other’s of us who perhaps don’t have family, who would very much enjoy ways to get involved in traditions and build up to the day. Or there are just those of us who get so excited about Christmas that we want to find ways to celebrate with more people.

There is also a large percentage of people who find it all very overwhelming and stressful, and would love to make traditions with friends to celebrate whilst also helping each other get stuff done! There is no right or wrong way, and no real reason is needed. You don’t even need to say you want to start a tradition, but you may find if it is successful, it may become one regardless!

Here are some annual ideas that may become traditions with friends!

Christmas baking day.

Either you all get together and spend the day baking, drinking wine, listening to Christmas music, sharing recipes and tips and bake all sorts of puddings and pies, cookies and slices and whatever else needs to be made. Or each of you takes control of one recipe and you make big batches and share them out between you.

Gift Wrapping Party

This is a day where you all get together with gift wrap and sticky tape and labels and scissors and ribbons and boxes and bows. You all bring a suitcase of presents. One suitcase at a time, you help wrap and label each other’s gifts. It can be done all in one night or one night a week per load of gifts. You can have stations with one person cutting paper, one person wrapping, one person writing labels and one person adding tags and bows. Or each person can do all of the above and if there are 4 of you for example, then there will be 4 presents at a time being wrapped! Bonus points if you each swap “Santa Labels.” So person 4 writes the labels for person 1, person one writes them for person 2 etc…. This can be done in advance and does not need to be number specific. Just write a whole roll of 100 labels divided by how many kids/family members will be receiving Santa gifts as directed by your friend. Left overs can be used for next year.

Decorating days

This one kind of requires either a yearly or weekly rotation whereby you each visit one members house and help them assemble and decorate their tree, and otherwise decorate. Brownie points if it also includes a group effort to pack them all away.

Shopping Days

Who doesn’t love a shopping trip with friends? You each come with lists prepared and get shopping. Maybe one person buys all the things from Target and the other from the toy store. Or maybe it is easier to go together to each shop. Before you leave, you have a coffee, check off those lists and brainstorm ideas if anyone is a bit stuck. Try and make sure it is all done by the time you head home.

Movie Night

I cannot be the only person who loves Christmas Movies? Maybe you have a classic you watch every year or like to watch a new one every year, but after all that preparation, I think you and your friends deserve a fun chill night just watching a movie and getting into the Christmas Spirit! You can have snacks and drinks and takeaway, whatever makes the night as fun and easy as possible.

Look at the lights

I know many people save this treasured activity for Christmas Eve, but as the lights tend to appear in early December, why not take advantage of that, get a group together and burn a few extra calories in preparation for the festivities? Go for a stroll in the most lit up neighbourhood, take selfies and group pictures. Take hilarious silly snaps of someone kissing Santa or someone photobombing that nativity scene. Compare notes and get ideas for things you might like to include in your own display if you have one or how to start small if you don’t but you would like to try. You could even do a stroll once a week in everyone’s local neighbourhood if you’re really keen, or do a city lights tour if you have one available.

Carols by Candlelight.

It doesn’t matter if you are religious or not, carols by candlelight can be a fun and festive way to spend an evening as a group or a couple. The music and the atmosphere and the magic. You can bring a picnic if you live in warmer climates or hot cocoa and coffee if it is cold where you live at Christmas. You can sing along, or dance, or just enjoy the music, letting it flood over you and fill you with that excitement and joy this season brings.

Volunteer work.

Hampers need to be delivered to the needy. Gifts for children and food for families. Homeless shelters need people to collect and cook and serve meals. Clothing drives. Whatever your way of giving back to the community is, almost all charities need a little extra at this time of year. Pet food and blankets for the animal shelters that quickly fill each January, or a simple gift under the charity tree for a 10 year old boy. Fundraisers. Assistance for the elderly who have nobody at this time of year. There are so many ways to give back, that I am sure you could all get together once a year, pick a charity to help with and donate your time.

Pamper session.

This one has to be a favourite of mine. Whether you make someone’s home into a day spa for the day, and give each other makeovers, facial, manicures and pedicures, massages and more, or if you hire a professional or go to a spa…. most of us do end up doing the nails and hair and facials etc before Xmas anyway so why not do it together? If you go somewhere you may even get a group discount! Book early!

Remember, you can do all or none, a combination of a few, or chop and change each year depending on your circumstance. But if we all come together, even the grinchiest of people feel a little happier at this time of year, because sharing is caring and it takes a village!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ten Reasons To Be Thankful For Your Friendships This Thanksgiving!

I know you are grateful for your friends already, especially if you have good friends. I encourage you to reach out to your friends individually to let them know just how thankful you are to have them in your life. This post is about being thankful for friendships in general. Past, present and future! Here are 10 of the best things about friendships!

1.      They keep your secrets.

Right from grade school when your friend didn’t tell the teacher that it was you who took the cookie off her desk, to high school when they didn’t tell anyone about that time you asked out your crush and were rejected, through to adult life when they didn’t tell anyone the secret with much bigger consequences. It’s unlikely these were the same friend, but each of them had your back when you needed it, was there for you and laughed with you, not at you.

2.      They support you.

Not only don’t your friends judge you, they actively support you. Think of the friend who lent you her designer suit for that interview, or the friend who picks up your kid from school when you are sick and can’t go yourself. The friend who answers no matter what time you call and the friend who is full of endless encouragement and belief in you even when your belief in yourself is running low.

3.      Loving you.

Some friendships are full of roses and expressions of love endlessly, whereas others are more stoic. But a true friend loves you and you feel that. Think of that time they surprised you with tickets to your favourite band, or how you are always the first person they want to spend time with. Think of the hugs and the tears of pain and laughter shared. Your friends have loved you in just the ways you needed when nobody else could.

4.      The Good Times

Most of our favourite memories involve our friends. Childhood memories and adult memories alike, friends are what has made life fun. Evenings in and evenings out, events and parties and concerts. Laughing endlessly at nothing an everything. Making good decisions that turned out bad and making bad decisions that made amusing memories. Think of photos and the big cheesy grins and being your full unfiltered self. Friendships are worth their weight in gold for the good times alone.

5.      Choosing you.

Your friends didn’t love you because they had to, but because of all the strangers waiting to become potential friends, they loved you the best! Then they kept on choosing you for as long as it lasted. Even if it didn’t last forever, it feels pretty awesome to be chosen at all!

 6.      Growing with you

Friendships that have lasted, will have morphed and changed. You will have grown as a person and so will your friend, and your friendship will have grown and stretched to allow each of you the freedom to be yourselves independently while still staying connected. It may have grown through being at different colleges, dating different people, through different careers, marriages and kids, or even through living in different countries. Friendships that grow with you always fit!

7.      Teaching you.

Regardless of how much parents and teaches try to guide and teach us, some of the most important lessons about love and life come from your friendships. They hurt sometimes and you have to navigate that. You learn accountability and honesty and communication and about expectations. They teach you about your limits and peer pressure and acceptance. Friendships are not practise for other relationships (romantic or professional) but they do allow us to build the foundations we need to read other people,  be appropriate and empathetic and tactful. Where would we be without those life skills?

8.      Listening to you.

Friends are the people who listen to us the most, because they are the ones we talk to the most. They hold space for you to be who you are and feel what you feel. They don’t solve problems for you or judge you, they just act as a sounding board for crazy ideas, heartbreak, venting and anger, and just general random conversation so you don’t feel alone.  They don’t tire of hearing you talk about the same things over and over, they are just happy to be there for you and have you be there to listen to them in return. Feelings and thoughts can be overwhelming when kept inside, so a friendship is the safest place to air them!

9.      Forgiveness.

In a true deep friendship, there is inevitably times when you let each other down. When you mess up and really hurt someone as a result. Not only do these friendships allow you to feel safe in learning to be humble and apologise, they also offer forgiveness in ways that soothe the soul. They do this because they know you and they know the good in you and they believe that you didn’t mean to hurt them. They also teach you to forgive too, as you realise how much better forgiveness feels than grudges and anger.

10.   Acceptance.

Friendships offer a sense of acceptance that helps us accept ourselves. Our parents might not accept our career choices, sexuality or lifestyle, size, partner or many other things, but friendships tend to take you as you are. And in that beautiful acceptance of theirs, you learn to accept yourself just the way you are. To see your good qualities, to see what you have accomplished and to just be there with you wherever you are on your journey.

There is so much to be thankful for about friendships. They bring so much happiness and peace. So please give thanks to your friends today and acknowledge all your friendships and how they influenced the person you are today. Chances are you wouldn’t be the same without them!

Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for being a friend, family member, fan or follower. I am truly grateful.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Festive Friendship Advent Calendars!

As a young child I cherished the December advent calendar. I loved searching for the number, opening it and devouring the cheap chocolate inside. I loved looking at it to see if it was a wreath or a candlestick, or a snowman or a Christmas tree. I loved counting down how many more sleeps until the big day. As I got older, mum got us the fabric ones and let us choose which chocolates we could put in them. I do this with my kids too, and they just love carefully choosing which chocolates they will want to enjoy each morning!

But last year my friend did up a few personalised advent calendars and I loved this idea! She included a chocolate, a small perfume or nail care item and a Christmas joke in each day. Hers were in paper bags labelled 1-25. You could use a premade wooden box, envelopes, paper bags, a cloth calendar… the options are endless.

So you’re on board with this idea and loved it as much as I did…. Except you don’t really know what to put in it? Well I have come up with 30 ideas to help you out. You could make them all the same, or put a different thing on each day, the choice is completely up to you!

1.      My favourite idea is to get each of your friends family and their friends to write something nice about your friend so they have 25 nice quotes to read each day. Make it more fun by making them guess who said what!

2.      $1 scratchy lotto cards.

 3.      Write some of your favourite memories of you and your friend together.

 4.      Words of encouragement.

 5.      Proverbs.

 6.      Sweet treats.

 7.      Sample or travel sized toiletries.

 8.      Jewellery.

 9.      Small tools.

 10.   Mini or sample sized scents.

 11.   Tea light candles.

 12.   Oils for burning.

 13.   Hair accessories.

 14.   Stationery items.

 15.   Makeup.

 16.   Lip balm or gloss.

 17.   Purse mirror.

 18.    Nail polish.

 19.   Nail Care set.

 20.   Nail file.

 21.   Tweezers.

 22.   Coins.

 23.   Magic Beans.

https://www.facebook.com/MagicBeansAustralia

 24.   Quotes about friendship.

 25.   Funny friendship or Christmas memes.

 26.   Photo’s of the 2 of you together.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash

 27.   Stickers.

 28.   Mini alcohol bottles.

 29.   Tea/coffee/hot chocolate.

 30.   Vouchers or coupons.

https://www.catchmyparty.com/vendors/product/christmas-gift-certificate-template-printable-christmas

You could easily mix and match like my friend did, including a few things each day, make it budget friendly, and work up to the things you think they would love the most towards the end. Not only does it help you both get in the spirit of Christmas, but it shows effort and care in the lead up to the busy and silly season so your friend knows you care, even if you can’t spare much time for them when December rolls around.

Hope you have as much fun with this idea as I am! Get working on it now though, so it is ready for the 1st December which is rolling around fast!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Tips and Templates for Newsletters or Letters to send to friends at Christmas

I once knew someone who would periodically send out updates on their lives in the form of a family newsletter. Although it has never been my style, it definitely did spark an idea that once a year, yourself and your family could pose for a few silly pics in Christmas costumes and add them to a format used to send to your family and friends near and far. A one size fits all kind of approach.

You could have sections for each member of the family, with their picture, a quote from them about how they are feeling about the festive season and a general update about their lives, achievements, struggles and progress throughout the year. If you are brave enough, you could even task those old enough with writing their own section.

Other segments could include a few favourite jokes, memes, recipes, activities like word searches or crosswords. Enough to fill a page, without too much effort of trying to think of what to write.

https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/free-christmas-letter-templates-1356285

Another favourite of mine is to find funny puns on the internet and weave them into a letter. Open with some sort of personal and maybe somewhat offensive joke that they will understand, then go on to apologise and say that you are sorry for making that joke when you know they already have so much on their plate at this time of year, literally!

Then go on to say that you thought of doing one of those advent calendars where each of your friends writes something nice about you, but that they didn’t have enough friends, or not with anything nice to say at least.

The next should be a joke at your own expense like how you know they only hang out with you to feel better about themselves, because compared to you they are a genius, but not smart enough to walk away.

Make a joke about how you enjoy that your presence in their life is rewarded with presents (if you are gift exchangers) This can open for you to mention your gifts are better than Santa’s because they don’t believe in Santa, which is just as well because Santa doesn’t believe in them either!

Close with a sentiment about how their friendship is a gift, optional joke about you being under the tree because you’re the best gift in their life, and how much you look forward to another year of love and laughter together.

These letters are for your funny light hearted friends – know your audience first! A theme can make the jokes funnier, depending on what you and your friend joke about the most. If you are teachers, you may fill it with funny jokes relating to that. If you are both bigger people and joke about that then that can be a theme. If you are both dark and make puns about how your dreams are dead and you have no other friends, that can be a theme. If you aren’t sure though, err on the side of caution, as you want it to be well received.

The last one is of course, a nice letter, filled with positive sentiments about how much you value them, all the ways they have added to your life, your favourite memory for the year with them, a photo of you both, something you are looking forward to sharing in the next year with them and a sentiment about being much older together too. It needs to be generic enough to be interchangeable as a template, but specific enough that they don’t feel it was generic! For ideas or sentiments check out this post.

There are no rules, use google to find jokes and quotes that you like, screenshot them for yourself and figure out ways to round them up nicely into sentences. Or use the templates provided! Have Fun!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas is Coming! Time to get Festive Friends! Five Festive Lists to Live by.

Ok, I know so many of you aren’t ready for this onslaught of festive cheer. The Grinches among us are scowling. But part of the reason they don’t like Christmas could be all the stress and pressure the holiday creates. The way to combat that, dear readers, is to get organised in advance! And that starts in your own mind.

What I want you to do is start listing! Open a notebook, or the notes section of your phone and start 5 different pages.

The first list is for all the family and friends for whom you will be giving a gift or card or celebration. Don’t forget to include a secret Santa if that is likely to be part of your work Christmas party and a few spare people – can be called spares on your list, that’s fine. Count how many people you have, so you know how many people you will be shopping for.

The next list is called budget. List all your paydays between now and Xmas. There will be alarmingly few already, because it really is soon, as much you hate me for pointing it out. Figure out how much money you can put aside for gifts, not food, per pay. Multiply that amount by the amount of pays, and divide that answer by the number of people on your list for a rough budget of what you can afford to spend. Example, by now we have only 4 pays left in our household before Xmas. If we can save $250 per pay for gifts, then that is $250 x 4 = $1000. If I have 20 people on my list that would be $1000/20 = $50 per gift. (This is an example only, yours is likely to be less than $1000 and hopefully less than 20 people.)

Now figure out how much you can afford to put aside for food per pay. From here, I want you to start buying a small item or 2 for the day in with your weekly shopping too. Anything from napkins to decorations to tinned or dried fruits, long life creams or custards. Just start stocking up. Make sure you do put money aside for bigger items like the turkey or ham and trimmings that need to be fresh.

The next list for your notepad is gift ideas. If you don’t want to make this a separate list, it is ok to go back to your first list and start jotting down ideas next to each person on the list, keeping your budget in mind. Remember, you aren’t committing to these ideas yet, just jot down things you know that person might like that you can afford. Keep the list on you so if you see something on the list, you can purchase it and tick it off the list. Personally I find it easier to use cash for this, so you know exactly how much you have and how much you have spent and it isn’t eating into the rest of your money that you need for everyday essentials. If you are looking for gift ideas, check out my previous posts here, and follow the other links in that post for more tips and tricks.

Your next list is about who is getting a card or an email from you to wish them well. Again you will want a list of people, and next to their names I want you to jot down a category or 2 of sentiments you wish to write for them.  Some may be light and funny, some may be generic, some may be sentimental and others may be heavy. It depends both on your relationship with the person and what that person’s year has been like. If you are looking for specific words and examples of each category, check out this post I wrote a last year. Or if sending a funny meme or 2 is more your style, then these memes may help.

Your last list is a breakdown of your time! You need to mentally make some time to go shopping for the gifts and cards, write them, wrap them and deliver them. You might choose to focus on one person per evening, or try and do 5 every weekend. You may choose to do cards all at once on your day off, or buy and wrap every gift on the same day. Whatever way you choose to do it, make sure you leave yourself ample time to get it all done. Your goal, ideally is to be ready for Christmas by December, so then you can focus on yourself, food and house decorations, party and event planning and costumes. All the gifting and card writing will be done and you will have plenty to place under your tree when it is up!

I really hope your heed this advice. I do this every year, and it really is a wonderful tool to help you keep on top of things. Especially if you are like me, and  everyone you know also seems to have a birthday in the first 3 months of the year that will also need your attention so you can’t burn out after Christmas is done!

Happy Listing!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The time to start is now!

Six signs you are spookily in sync

With Halloween fast approaching, I thought it would be fun to do another post about how spooky having a best friend can be. Because it can be difficult to put into words. You feel like 2 people sharing one common mind at times. It can be scary, which I wrote about here!

1.      In jokes

When every second word that comes out of your mouths makes you giggle to the utter confusion of the people around you, you know that you and your friend are connected in ways that are beyond understanding or explanation to the general public.

2.      Body language

When you are sitting in an important meeting together, and you suddenly feel a shift in your friends body language. They look down and away, and you instinctively know if you make eye contact you are both going to lose it laughing. Or when they tell you a funny story, but their arms are crossed and you just know it isn’t actually all that funny because it hurt them.

  3.      Finishing each other’s sentences (or sandwiches!)

Your friend is relaying something to you, and you automatically know the end to the story, or can predict what they said, and routinely jump in with your predictions, or help them out when they forget what they were saying! Or when you just know you’re going to order different things off the menu and share. When you steal chips from their plate and aren’t afraid to eat their leftovers, even if they bit into it first! You know you are pretty comfortable when you swap spit!

  4.      Calling each other at the same time, or calling just when the other was thinking or talking about you!

Ok this one pretty much speaks for itself, but isn’t it uncanny? How did they know? Can they read your mind? Or maybe you are always talking about them?

 5.      Mind Reading or sixth sense

Calling right on cue isn’t the only way you read each other’s minds either. Maybe you were craving pizza and they show up to your house with pizza. Or your outfits totally colour match even though you never discussed what colour to wear.

6.      Secret language

This one is my favourite. I suppose it kind of encompasses all of the above, because between in jokes and body language and facial expressions you can read each other without saying a word. Or by saying a word or phrase that means nothing to everyone else, but means something entirely different to you guys. You may have given code words to people, places or things, or it may just be a glance and you both know exactly what is meant by that, without any explanation needed.

PS if you are looking for fun best friend costume ideas, check out this post from last year!

Happy Halloween folks, hope your friendships are sweeter, scarier and spookily in sync!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends who read you like a book.

It’s a wonderful thing, a friendship so close with a person who can read you like a book. Someone who knows you well enough to predict your moods, your foods and your grooves. Someone who tunes into your tone when you speak, who reads your face without words and who hears your silence just as loudly as your screams.

A friend of mine was recently refinancing her investment property. We were on our way to a ladies night screening of a new movie, and on the way she had to stop at the bank to sign the contract. I accompanied her into the meeting, at her invitation. My friend and the bank manager had the same name, so they were bonding over that. At some point in the meeting I asked the bank lady what my friend’s superannuation balance was, as we had been discussing it the week before. The bank manager looked horrified and asked my friend if it was ok to share such personal information. My friend and I looked at each other with confused looks as she reassured the lady to tell me the info. I made jokes about how she will have to support me in retirement. The bank lady continued to look confused and promptly brought the conversation back to names. She commented that her middle name was Jane and immediately my friend looked at my smirk and said “don’t say it!” I pursed my lips and said “I didn’t say a word.” She replied that she knew what I was thinking. After the meeting, when we were back in the car, we laughed that the banking lady’s initials were BJ, and how much funnier it would have been if her mother had the good sense to give her a middle name starting with J too. Immature? Definitely, but hilarious none the less.

Definitely something this friend and I may banter!

My friend not only knew what I was thinking (because she had the same thought) but she also knew me well enough to tell me not to say it! Just in case. I do try to filter sarcastic comments, but sometimes they do slip out at less than opportune moments because I can’t help myself! Haha She used her experience of me, her knowledge of me to read my facial expression, to notice the shift in my body language and to predict the outcome. If I am upset, she instinctively knows how to cheer me up, and if I start pulling away or getting distant, she knows exactly how much space to give me before pulling me back in. This is a skill. Although not with the same level of precision, I too can sense when my friend is stressed and not saying so, when she needs help but is too independent to ask and when she is in desperate need of a bathroom without a word!

Another friend with whom I share this close quality once messaged to cancel plans claiming a headache. I told her it was fine to cancel, but only if she was going to tell me the real reason. A headache wasn’t out of the question as this friend does suffer migraines….. however I could just sense, even over text that something was off. She admitted she had broken up with her partner and couldn’t face anyone. Although we would usually catch up and talk it through, it was clear she needed some time alone to process it. She asked me how I knew, and I said I just did. I could feel something was off. The tone of her message was off, shorter than normal, and just didn’t sound like her or feel familiar.

That is definitely these friends.

The pros to these friendships are endless, because so much can be communicated without a word, or with a code word or in joke, with a gesture or a look, with a smile or a hug. On the other hand, as my latter friend discovered, it has it’s cons too. You can’t hide from these friends. If something is wrong, they can sense it. You cannot really pull away from them, they will feel your absence and search for you to hold you accountable. They will know when you are lying. They will know when they have upset you even if you are trying to hold it in because you know deep down you are over reacting or feeling extra sensitive. They will see it in your expression if you hate the gift they bought you and they will notice if you grimace when you drink the coffee they made!

They will also know when something they are going to do is likely to upset you. This might be the biggest curse. Because we like to think that if people cared for us they wouldn’t act in ways that they  know would hurt us. So they are more likely to avoid you rather than give you the news, or, alternatively butter you up before hand before delivering the blow. It doesn’t mean they are doing something bad, only something they know you wont love. Getting back with their ex. Having a baby. Moving away. Whatever it is, they are already feeling your pain for you before they have even given you the information so your negative reaction, even if you try to hide it, hits even harder where they already hurt for you.

I guess in these types of friendship you get twice the love and twice the pain, because they are honest and raw and exposed. While honesty is always the best policy, and the only possible policy in these friendships…. Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe that’s where the expression too close for comfort is born?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Best Friend or BPD Favourite Person?

NOTE: I am not a qualified health professional. This piece is not a diagnostic tool, it merely suggests ways of dealing with relationship issues more sensitively if you suspect yourself or your friend may suffer from BPD. Professional therapy for guidance, help and support is recommended.

A lot of people may proclaim that their best friend is indeed their favourite person. It is meant as a term of endearment and is filled with warm sentiments regarding the importance of your best friend in your life. Sometimes though, if your best friend uses this term to describe you, it might be wise to dig a little deeper. People with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) have a strong tendency to form unhealthy dependency on one particular person in their life, clinically referred to as their favourite person. The afflicted individual may or may not realise that they have BPD.

Many people have a misguided belief that a favourite person is always a romantic partner. While this is often the case, it is certainly not exclusively true. It can be a best friend, a teacher, a parent or family member, or even an acquaintance in some extreme instances. A person with BPD doesn’t choose favourite people, usually something their favourite person did or said triggers an intense emotional response in them, which causes an immediate attachment response. As people with BPD typically have felt alone and or unsafe in their childhood, if they encounter someone who creates a feeling of safety, protection, interest or care, they have a tendency to hold onto that person and that perceived safety with everything they have.

This can cause people to pull away from them, which is probably a healthy response, although it will trigger past trauma and be very painful for the sufferer. Sometimes, however, initially it feels like a symbiotic pairing, and an intense friendship quickly ensues. People suffering BPD are described as adult children, seeking a caregiver or parental figure. They don’t feel competent to take care of themselves, physically or emotionally, and so come to depend on favourite people to care for them, offer advice, and emotionally regulate them. Typically the person without BPD can feel that something is off, although it can be hard to explain exactly what it is. Any signs of disengagement is typically met with tantrums and other attention seeking behaviour. One person says best friend, and the other feels almost like a prisoner in the friendship. They can quickly become exhausted. They never signed up to be responsible for their friends care.

Signs to look out for include an intense need for time and attention, followed by accusations, threats of self harm or destructive behaviours and explosive anger when this need is not met. The smallest triggers can trigger intense feelings of rejection and fear. For example if you answer your phone in the middle of them speaking, they may interpret this to mean that they are unimportant to you and that you are bound to leave them. They feel they have been abandoned as children, and therefor struggle to trust that you will not also abandon them. If you happen to be of the same gender, whether or not that person is LGBTIQ, both of you may begin to question their feelings for you, as it can feel like they are in love with you. The truth is, they are somewhat addicted to you, which is entirely different. It is confusing for everyone.

That does not mean the relationships cannot last, although they seldom do. If you suspect you or your friend may be suffering from BPD favourite person syndrome, there are things you can do to better manage the situation, if you genuinely care for each other and want to make it work. The first thing is to be very clear with your communication. If you are expecting a phone call, for example, tell them in advance, and explain that you will have to answer it, and why it is important, and acknowledge that you are telling them because you know they find this behaviour upsetting.

Set boundaries as schedules almost. If you know you will not be available to talk to them on a certain day, communicate to them clearly that they will not hear from you on those days or communicate that you will be available for communication on a certain day or time. It will be important to stick to this however as with most people, inconsistencies between words and actions can induce a level of insecurity. As the person with BPD already lives with crippling insecurity their tolerance for this is already below zero. As they care about you more than they care about themselves, they desperately need you to care about them. Not caring, or abandoning is a fate worse than death and when triggered they can be impulsive and reckless. If you think of this like an addiction, you not being available to them when they need a hit, will throw them into withdrawal. This doesn’t mean you need to always be available, but you need to be clear and consistent with when you will be available. As exhausting as this is for you, remember it is exhausting for them too.

The next thing you can do is help them help themselves. Ensure they have a network outside of just you. Remind and congratulate any efforts to be more self sufficient. Believe in them as they do not believe in themselves. Help them regulate their emotions. If they are upset with you for some small slight that has let them down, repeat back to them what it is that they are feeling and acknowledge that they felt uncared for when you did whatever it was, then reassure them that you do infact care for them. Do not protect them from caring for you. Explain to them that you feel exhausted by their constant need of you and ask them to show you that they care by allowing you not to be perfect with compassion and understanding. If you tell them you will always do your best to answer their messages, and then actually do so, you need to also explain that if they care for you and they want you to be ok, they cannot continue to interpret every unanswered message as abandonment and they must consider the other demands on your time and attention. That they must trust you, as hard as they find that, and learn to tolerate some space and silence or they will push you away.

Lastly, encourage them to seek therapy, and research BPD. Learn to understand your friend, their triggers and the fears and trauma they are dealing with. This will help you with compassion, not to mention that knowledge is power. People suffering BPD make loving and loyal friends, they will go above and beyond for people they care about, are generally highly empathetic, and supportive. All they want in return is the same, and someone they can rely upon. They cannot force you to give more than you have to give, they just have to learn that sometimes giving, and receiving, less is more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Know your friends trauma or stress response.

This week I am drawing on a recent experience with some friends and how knowing their trauma responses helped us avoid what could have easily resulted in conflict between us. Had I not known my friends signals of distress, I may have responded inappropriately and made the stress worse and outcomes far less favourable. Neither situation actually directly involved me, and it was important in both cases not to try and involve myself. However both situations impacted me, gave rise to emotional responses and indeed triggered my own trauma response. This can be tricky to navigate when your response is opposite to that of your friend.

In the first example, my friend was driving us home after a great night out, when we were involved in a car accident. Luckily nobody was seriously hurt, however my friend had just spent a lot of money fixing her car, and it was now quite a wreck. I have always known my friend was quick to anger, and she has learned that I cannot deal with anger and is generally careful not to direct it in my direction. It did not surprise me, therefore, when my friends first reaction to the other driver was angry. She is fight on the fight, flight or freeze spectrum. As I am freeze, I stayed in the car, basically unable to move. The other driver was more of a flight response. She burst into tears, apologised and ran off to call a lifeline, crying hysterically.

I wont lie, I felt for her, I have been on the receiving end of my friend’s anger before and it isn’t a nice place to be, however I was not criticizing my friend’s response, as I was aware she could help it no more than any of us. She was annoyed and she had every right to be annoyed. I should clarify that she was angry, however not aggressive, or threatening, or demeaning. Just a fair amount of profanity and annoyance being expressed, which is fair. However I did take a moment to express concern for the other driver, that I didn’t think she was ok, and my friend tersely reminded me that she herself was not ok. It was a timely reminder that she was experiencing trauma and this was her reaction to it. I did not want to do anything to make it worse, so I delved further into my freeze and said nothing further until it came time to find our way home from the scene without a car.

When we got home, I reflected on all the ways I had not been there for my friend better to show her that I cared. I questioned if she needed me to take control of the situation instead of sitting there like a stunned mullet! I regretted expressing concern for the other driver without recognising she desperately needed my concern. I questioned if there was more she expected of me. But I quickly realised that my friend was always going to have responded angrily and that this was always going to make me uncomfortable, but there was nothing I could have done to make her respond differently and I shouldn’t expect her to. My friend was somewhat cold for the following week, interactions were terse. It was my turn to feel uncared for. When I explored that further though, I recognised my friends pattern of cool distance and space after anger, even with my offers of help and support. I concluded that it wasn’t about me, and making issue of it was not going to help matters. She was still dealing with the after affects, assessing what would happen with her car and alternative transport. She needed space to deal with this. I granted that space.

Had I made issue of her coolness towards me, or demanded more,  we would have come to blows. Had I tried to take control of the situation at the time, I would have been further in her way and angered her more, and probably caused my own withdrawal. Had she not understood my own trauma response, and expected or demanded more of me, I would only have shut down further. She understood I was helpless in that situation and she knew that I would do my best to care and support her, except there was little I could do, apart from not criticize her and empathise with her position. Our understanding and patience with each other, enabled our personalities not to crash and clash as the cars had done.

In the second example, a different friend had some particularly distressing news that left her overwhelmed and anguished and distressed. We were meant to be celebrating my birthday that same day when she rang in floods of tears. She was anxious to express she had nothing to offer for my birthday, that she had plans to go to the shop that morning before our catch up and that she knew she should have done so before that morning. I could sense she was anxious that I would take this as an indication that she didn’t care about me, she had left it to the last minute and didn’t put thought into my birthday when she knew I had planned and purchased her gift months ago and booked and paid for our fancy lunch in advance for that day too. (It was a joint birthday celebration as our birthdays are only a month apart.)

My friend acknowledged it and said she had no explanation to offer. Ordinarily, had I known it was so last minute for her, I may have been hurt, but having known her for a long time and her resource management skills, it wouldn’t have surprised me particularly. We are different, and that is ok. I know she cares about me and I was touched she took the time to address this during a distressing time for her. Of course, under the circumstances none of it mattered and I offered to cancel our fancy lunch knowing I would lose the lunch and the money. It didn’t matter anymore. What she was going through was infinitely more important than me and my silly birthday. She said she needed to see me still that day and talk it out, so we still did go to lunch and I was able to offer her the support and distraction she needed that day. We knew each other well enough to put ourselves aside and show up for one another, without expectation. We knew how to love each other in her own language in that moment, despite the circumstance.

Knowing how your friend responds to trauma, and allowing space for each other to respond and process in their own way and time, without judgement or criticism is paramount in times of crisis or stress. Making allowances, letting things go, seeing the bigger picture and letting your friend be exactly who they are without judgement is key in friendships. Especially in times of stress or distress because that is all they can manage. No matter how uncomfortable it is, the stress will pass and things will get back on track in time, if you can be patient and loving and understanding while the situations at hand resolve themselves. The key is controlling yourself, not the situations or the outcomes. That, and knowing how your friend shows care and feels cared for, what he or she needs in the moment and making it more about them than you, will go a long way!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx